Is it normal love this girl after 4 1/2 yrs.

Several years ago when I was adopted into an abusive, highly christian family that set severe restrictions on relationships that was punishable by acts of torture, starvation, and grueling work since I was trapped on this farm for seven years which the police never believed us not even to this day. We can begin with my "so-called" ex who's name is Brianna who was my first adopted cousin I had met in 2001 via marriage between my adopted parents eldest son Jason and her mother Toni which first introduced me to this young girl in which we became fast friends over time and soon after we began to form a very strong mental/physical bond between us that began from 2003 and she was the ONLY one I had ever loved in the entire span of my imprisonment there since my siblings began to fend for themselves so I always went to her for solace and comfort in my darkest of hours. Even though we never had sex since I refused to because she was too young at the moment and I did not allow her to make the same mistakes as her older sisters did plus my upbringing; I have an unshakable moral grounding on limits which I assume is partially due to the fear of being beaten to a bloody pulp by my adopted parents. Anyways, as all relationships go we "dated" whenever we had time for more than 5 years and things turned from worse to an unimaginable hell. Since we were starting in our deeper relationship in our teenage years I found out through her brother that she was dating another man at the time and was possibly fucking my brother and other cousin as well so I ended the relationship abruptly while retaining a strong sense of regret because I loved her enough to let her go without a fight. This, however, did not go well since she literally crucified me in public and in front of my adopted parents by making me look like a pedophile even going as far as denying any connection to me at all when she was the one that was the affixed root of some of our "sexual encounters" such as foreplay and oral sex because she always nagged me on about not being explicitly open with our relationship; but I was as respectful and courteous as possible to meet whatever needs she had while also attempting to get her to understand the risks involved if we were exposed in public because I was afraid she would get hurt by my sick, twisted adopted father since he has a rap sheet of domestic brutal assaults against numerous people and my love for her was too strong to let that happen. After 4 1/2 years since this incident I have tried every drug, prescription, treatment, doctor, and even acts of borderline sado-masochism to get her off my mind but it is just as vivid and unbreakable as if it all happened yesterday. I am starting to be greatly affected by this incident and I fear that it may kill me soon since my insomnia is spinning out of control and my mental stability is slowly edging towards a form of absolute paranoia and fear of society which could lead to some drastic measures.