Is it normal i wish my family didn't care for me or love me?

I don't think this will be ranked as "normal" at all, but I have nowhere else to turn..

I was the youngest child in my family for ten years, and still am on my mothers side. My youngest older sibling is six years older than me, so I often felt.. left out, young, pathetic. I still struggle with this. My family never really talks about stuff like feelings, atleast not with me.. I think it's because I am the youngest. My parents never asked me how I was from day to day.. I was very confused about this, because there was so much I wanted to talk about, I wanted to ask if it was normal to feel so unhappy most of the time, about thinking about death the way I did. But I never heard anyone talk about those things that I guess I thought I shouldn't talk about those things. I couldn't talk to anyone until it was too late.

We never tell each other that we love each other in my family, but I know we do.
I can't stand seeing anyone in my family cry.. Especially not my parents, I've seen both of them cry, and I can't take it, it felt like it was my fault even if it wasn't. I love my family, but I wish they didn't love me, and care for me. If they found out how depressed I am, they would be hurt and I don't want to hurt them. I'd rather have them hate me. That is one reason I don't want them to love me.

The depression has gotten harder and harder, I and can't even concentrate in school anymore, which took a toll on my grades, and the stress gives me chest pain which makes it hard to even think about school. I have become more angry this year, which might contribute to my question.

I also don't think I can tell my family, they would probably instantly force me to talk to someone, and if I ever am going to talk to someone I want to do that when I am ready, and to go there on my own. They would only pressure me, and I'm actually afraid of that happening.

I hope my text makes sense, have a good day.