Is it normal i think i don't amount to anything?
It's true, I don’t think I have worth or something to offer to anyone... though I never really told or tell anyone those thoughts. I'm a 20 year-old gay guy... I was a pretty curious and hyperactive kid when I was young: I was a maximum-result-minimum-effort-student, thus always got straight As, I could know stuff I never had an experience of...needless to say, I thought I was awesome and cool.
But I grew up; around entering high school...that's when shit hit the fan. I got hit rock-bottom by society when I learned that being gay was a horrible thing to be. So I had to 'turndown' my gay natural behaviour - straight acting. This focus, attention and determination to hide an essential part of who I am fucked me up so bad! Half my concentration was used to look normal thus full attention was never given to everything I was doing. During high school, I dropped at some great degree: for the first time math became a difficult subject, I wasn't the one getting English awards anymore, but I knew my computer studies, but sadly I failed my matric.
By this time I had completely changed for the worst: I procrastinate a lot, I never see my friends and I’m angry with my mom for being a Mistress to my natural father whom I never talk to because he has a family elsewhere, but she doesn’t know about the hate because we never really talk about ‘stuff’ that are really important, which is confusing because she is very social to everybody outside the family.
NOW? I am manlier now, but too reserved and very quiet...because if I truly express myself, it's going to be a gay expression, and I don't want them to see that. All of the above makes me so insecure and not confident. I don't have communication skills; I smoke weed all day and all night. I don't see my own future and I have no goals. My mom hates 'not-straight' people and I thus feel she doesn't really know me because she actually thinks I grew up and became a straight gentleman. False. But everybody's pretending as if I am.
After my matric tragedy, I updated my results in three months after the matric year and took a gap year to which I did nothing productive or proactive. I'm in college now doing a programming course in IT and I’m not doing very well. I messed up a presentation of a gym website my group members and I created, the lecturers and audience were disappointed. It was my entire fault, my mistakes, my unnatural self who is always a tad slow at understanding things thus fucks up delivery of anything academic, and I think I’m irreversibly damaged. I don't have my abilities anymore, no talents, no brains, less decisive, emotional, less focused, no personality, a coward, gay, smoking weed and cigarettes all the time. I don't comprehend the reason for my existence. Is this normal?