Is it normal i still feel guilt for abusing my sister?

83% Normal
8 Comments

My father was very abusive, physically, emotionally, psychologically and to some extent, sexually to myself and my sister (but more directed towards me) while we were children. He would beat us, berate us, encourage me to kill myself (often offering me weapons), perform "inspections" on my private parts (I'm a female), tell me I am worthless and lock me in the house for months on end without TV or anything to entertain myself, he made me clean 8-10+ hours and beat me relentlessly to the ground if there was so much as a crumb on the counter. He threatened to put me in foster care if I got bad grades and constantly told me that I should die. I had a learning disorder in Math, but he ignored that and bringing a bad grade home meant that I was going to have to stand at attention for hours while he told me that I am dirt, before and after being beaten. If I cried, I got beat harder.

At a young age I acted violently in response, bullying other kids. Every teacher I had told my dad to take me to a shrink and my Dad did. He was military, and he was good at acting. He took me in and mentioned nothing of my home life, telling the shrinks that I was lying and he didn't understand why. They diagnosed me as mentally disturbed and every time I begged a teacher not to make me go home, he would give them the diagnosis and tell them that I am just making it up. He'd later beat me for telling on him and convince me that I deserve to be beaten and that I was lying. He convinced me that everything he did was a figment of my imagination, if I didn't admit it, I don't eat. (Years later he confessed to this, saying that I deserved it because I was a terrible child). I wasn't going to go to the teachers and pull down my pants to show them the bruises on my butt/legs/hips.

So I did much of the same to my sister. I never realized it. When Dad left, Mom took over and she was less abusive but still violent, mean, telling me to kill myself and that I ruined her life. I was a bully to my sister for years, laughing at her and berating her. It wasn't until after I left that I realized what I did. I never considered what my parents did wrong, no one ever told me it was and I never told anyone what my parents did because I felt that I was truly mentally disturbed (afterwards, I saw many many shrinks, even drug-pushers, that wouldn't even diagnose me and ones that would diagnose me gave me mild diagnoses. I was declared mentally normal with PTSD and symptoms of child abuse. I've not found one person that would agree that I am mentally disturbed, they rather that my father was.)

It wasn't all bad. He bought me toys and sometimes he was really nice to me. He'd say he loved me and told me that he beat me because I was a terrible child and he only did it because he loved me. He said it hurt him more than it hurt me and he could just keep going until my skin tears and I bleed. He said it could be much worse and he is kind for feeding me and giving me stuff, considering I don't deserve to live. My therapist told me that I use those excuses to justify his violence, but Dad was right. He could have killed me, and I deserved it. I broke up their marriage, as well. My Mom cheated on my Dad and I saw, and when he asked me I told him about it. I didn't want to, but Mom wasn't buying groceries and she and her roommate were always teasing me and threatening to kick me out or kill me and he said he would make it all better.

What I have told you (I've just gotten to the point where I can speak about it openly without feeling completely ashamed of myself) is just a small part of the story.
I have apologized to my sister, who was too young to remember most of this, and so far am improving (I moved away and when I return, my temper is less every time). I know they still talk about it but I have apologized and tried to make amends. is it normal that I still feel so guilty even though I have changed and I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong?

Voting Results
83% Normal
Based on 12 votes (10 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • PumpkinKate
    12 years ago

    What you went through was certainly hellish and I'm incredibly impressed at your ability to openly write about it - especially to a bunch of anonymous IIN users, that's a tremendous step in the right direction.

    Guilt is a difficult thing to process. As much as you can logically sit there and say that it makes sense and is understandable, given what you were going through, it isn't really going to magically make the emotions of guilt disappear.

    A big problem with how we're taught to think about things is that we have a fixation on things being black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. What you did to your sister may have been understandable, but it's pretty clear that you feel it was "wrong". The thing is, that doesn't mean that you are in the wrong, it just means that the situation really sucked and produced a lot of negative outcomes. As hard as it might be, the next step in your recovery will be learning how to forgive yourself. You'll have to learn that what happened... happened, and dwelling on your guilt won't change it or make it better.

    It's wonderful that you want to make amends with your sister, and I think you've come a LONG ways in how you're coping, for that I truly commend you. There are still some things you're holding on to that you feel guilty for, though, and you absolutely need to forgive yourself for them.

    You did NOT break up your Mom and Dad, no matter how guilty you feel, it was NOT your fault. That is not something a child has the power to cause OR prevent. The sad part is that almost all of us that come from divorced homes feel guilty and responsible (myself included). You're not. That was entirely up to your parents. (cont.)

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    • PumpkinKate
      12 years ago

      In absolutely no way are you responsible for breaking up your parents, OR for believing that your Dad could somehow "make it better". You were a kid, you did nothing wrong. You are not the abusive Father and you are not the cheating Mother. Those actions were taken by your parents, and your parents alone. Again with the black and white, though, this doesn't mean they're all bad, it just means it's something they did and are responsible for, and it led to divorce.

      In nooooooo way should you feel like you would have deserved to die. I know it seems difficult to hear, and you might think that I have no right to tell you that... I didn't go through what you did, so really I *don't* but I mean it only as a human being relating to another human being - you deserve the right to live. Nothing you did, nothing you feel responsible for regarding your parents, nothing you are carrying around guilt for, can take away that right.

      You are making leaps and bounds in recovering from your abusive past, and you'll make many more. You're doing the right thing, you're not at fault, you don't need to feel guilty, and you can beat this and take on the world on your own terms without it weighing you down. You're strong.

      I would suggest possibly finding a therapist or counselor on your own terms, if you're able to. Someone who your Father can't influence that will hear the TRUTH of what you say, and help you work things out. I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and much love.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        12 years ago

        Thanks, and you're right. Nothing will magically make the guilt go away but I see how the past still affects her personality and I still feel ashamed for that. Thank you for your advice though. It's very reassuring and I regret putting so much importance onto my childhood, it seems so cheesy but I'm happy to hear someone I'm not paying say all of this.

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  • shuggy-chan
    12 years ago

    dude, i just want to give you a hug.. =/

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  • nAt2017
    11 years ago

    Guilt is one of the worst feelings that you can have. I want you to remember that you were raised in a horrible environment, that you didn't necessarily know that you were doing, and that we all make mistakes. I also want to give you a hug, as shuggy-chan said.

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  • doxies4life
    11 years ago

    That sounds terrible! It is good that you still feel some guilt and are getting over it. You should help your sister try and get over those things as well. A therapist could also help.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    it sounds like you are reconnecting to sister and that you are honest, try not to beat yrself up tho you have suffered enough from the tyrants

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    I am very, very sorry to hear all that.
    I really hope this "man" suffers for what he did.

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