Is it normal i still can't cope with my daughter's hurtful behaviour?

48% Normal
18 Comments

Ever since she was a teenager (now 43) my daughter has treated me badly whenever she's in a relationship: this includes 2 marriages to men and long and short term relationships with women. When she's single we spend a lot of time together, she is loving and considerate towards me and we generally have fun. The only times she's been normal with me when in a relationship were the two occasions when she was in polyamorous situations with a male/female couple.

I definitely do not interfere in her relationships and never have.

Most recently, she screamed at me that she's not my support person when I asked her to be patient because I'd only had a few hours' sleep the last few nights and to not try and explain the childcare roster for me and my grand-daughter too quickly because I wouldn't be able to keep up.

She knows the sleepless nights are the result of me being stalked and nearly run over in the street recently. I also have a heart condition and emphysema.

I try and detach from her behaviour because I don't want to lose contact with my grandchildren as has happened in the past, but she seems to zero in on me when I'm vulnerable and I find this so incomprehensibly cruel.

I just hope I live long enough to see my grand daughter treat her the way she treats me. In the meantime, I'll continue having counselling to deal with it, but any suggestions from is it normal people would be very welcome.

Voting Results
48% Normal
Based on 23 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 18 )
  • CountessDouche
    9 years ago

    If you can't make the counseling thing a go, there's a few other things you might want to consider.

    If you want to be a part of your granchild's life, it may take some politic-ing on your behalf. There must be a reason why your daughter tends to reach out to you when she's single; this could be a number of things- maybe she needs someone to talk to...or maybe she feels that you disapprove of her relationships.

    In my experience, many adults aren't very receptive to advice from a parent; they can sometimes consider it to be controlling or even inappropriate. I would recommend paying attention to what you say to your daughter, even if you do feel that you know best, or if you have legitimately helpful advice- she may just not want to hear it. It may make her feel inadequate, as silly as that sounds- sometimes parents can make you feel like a child, long after childhood.

    You need to be conscious of what you say to your daughter, bite your tongue sometimes, as difficult as that is...because it's more important to play a part in your grand child's life than it is to be right.

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      It's not that she reaches out to me when she's single, we genuinely enjoy each other's company and are loving and happy spending time together every couple of weeks or so. We meet up for lunch or coffee or to go to live music events together.

      There's no way she'd feel I disapprove of her relationships because she knows I don't, that's her business and has been since she was a teenager. She's quite judgmental of me and I really am not of her.

      You're making a lot of assumptions: for example, I don't give advice to her or anyone else in my life unless asked for it and even then, reluctantly. If she seems confused about a course of action, I say things like "Have you thought of doing ......." but I don't advise.

      It's not about right or wrong, although I don't know what else I could call her behaviour except wrong, it's about how I can deal with her treating me as if I'm the person she hates most in the world- until she wants something from me. For example, she's owed me money for nearly 2 years now for her car rego and a month's rent and is supposed to pay it back by direct debit of $100 every fortnight: she recently stopped the payments without notice because I hadn't been doing school pickups over the school holidays! I should add that she earns VERY good money and I'm on government benefits. There will be no more loans from me.

      Thanks for support, even if you did make a lot of false assumptions about me

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  • reminiscent
    9 years ago

    When she is acting like that I would tell her... then tell her when she is ready to act like a decent human being again she can talk to me.
    I would pretty much ignore her

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      That's exactly what I would do if there were no grandchildren involved. What's the bit in the middle with the .... ? something left out? I've done that in the past and then haven't seen my grandkids for months and I don't want to go through that pain again. Years ago when she ganged up with her woman lover to kick me out of the house I was sharing with them and the grandkids, I ended up moving a long way away in an attempt to distance myself from the pain of not seeing them: guess what? She still blamed me for the breakup of that relationship even though I was on the other side of the continent!

      If I hadn't been at her house when this last piece of viciousness surfaced, to take my grand-daughter out and to work out the childcare rosters, I would've walked out at the time, but she knew I wouldn't disappoint my grand-daughter when we'd both been looking forward to going to the drumming class. I'm hoping to take her to drumming again this week and will organise it as a pickup and dropoff process with no socialising or eating a meal there.

      Somehow I have to find a balance between not losing contact with the grandkids but having as little contact as possible with my daughter, plus learning to detach myself from her disgusting behavior PLUS at the moment dealing with the hurt of the latest incident and that's the hardest thing at the moment.

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      • reminiscent
        9 years ago

        Maybe family counseling then

        The ... I always add in out of habit are pauses. They are kind of like commas

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  • AlleyCat4MissHairyLoveKitten
    9 years ago

    I'm turning 47 on Monday and wish i had caring parents someday she will regret for hurting you, my moms deceased and my dad lives in High-rise not one time does my dad try to communicate with me..When my mom was alive we got along good but my sister did shit to hurt my mom too but i am sorry for your daughters behavior sounds like she needs to grow up and act like a woman hell age 43 she needs start loving you know cause someday will be too late..

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      PS: Happy Birthday!

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      • AlleyCat4MissHairyLoveKitten
        9 years ago

        Thank You :)

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      Thank you! Maybe I could adopt you?

      I do have a wonderful niece I'm close to and make jokes that I wish she were my daughter, but they're not really jokes, I really do wish that, because her values are much closer to mine than my daughter's are and she knows how to treat people with just ordinary everyday respect.

      The most upsetting thing for me is that the last time I looked after my grand-daughter at my place she started showing me the same sort of contemptuous disrespect my daughter does - now I wonder where she learnt that?

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      • AlleyCat4MissHairyLoveKitten
        9 years ago

        Yes, i always wondered what it would be
        to be really loved ..My mom God rest her
        soul we were close, got long good but just
        she adapted to my dads cruel, lack of compassion
        self consuming personality..Growing up she would
        yell at me, for no reason i was good kid but i
        got the wrong deal in life my parents could be
        really miserable, cranky for no apparent reasons
        I love people for who they are yeah i am far from
        perfect but i think i care for others and i worry
        about how people feel...I'm so sorry your daughter
        acts so selfish like she does, she is so much like
        my sister but my sisters daughter, my niece she
        acts cocky, she gets good grades but i see her
        going down the same pattern as her mother i hope
        things get better for you ma'am and God Bless You!!!

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  • Ellenna
    8 years ago

    Update: my counsellor offered reconciliation counselling for my daughter and me a couple of weeks ago and my daughter agreed to do it, but hasn't got back to me about when she can attend.

    In the meantime she's hassling me about how much $ she owes me, even though I've been sending her updates from time to time as she pays it off.

    I may be spending some time with her and my grand-daughter on Friday unless she cancels, which is always a possiblity, or arrives so late there's no time for anything real.

    I really think the issue this time is the bloke she's just got reinvolved with after a gap of some years while she was with a succession of other people. The last time she was with him she sent her kids back to their father to go and live with this man: I think he's a control freak who wants her all to himself and this time she's chosen to reject me from her life.

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  • lisa1976
    9 years ago

    I have a daughter of 19 years with aspergers. She does not care who's feelings she hurts. IM not her therapist anymore and keep contact to once a week. Her impression is she feels she has had a bad life but she hasn't. Every new boyfriend she gets she tells them her life story. But as a whole family we know she had a very good life. I hope u sort your problem x

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      Thank you for your comment: that sounds like a very difficult relationship too.

      My daughter does care whose feelings she hurts, she just doesn't care if she hurts mine, in fact it seems she goes out of her way to do so, whereas in her job she's received commendations or her empathy with and support of troubled people.

      I've pointed out to her what I believe are the reasons for her behavior and she agreed and treated me well for a while, but it didn't last because she really needs therapy about a painful period in her life which was not my doing, but for which she blames me rather than her late father.

      I'm hoping my counsellor can direct me to family counselling when I see her tomorrow and that my daughter will agree to come with me.

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  • Arm0se
    9 years ago

    What a bitch! Disown her.

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    • Ellenna
      9 years ago

      Not an option, I've already pointed out that there are grandchildren to consider

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  • Ellenna
    9 years ago

    Thanks for the explanation, I thought something had been left out.

    I've thought of family counselling: I did get her to go over 10 years ago because of the ongoing conflict between us and then when we got there she said she thought it was about the eldest grandson, who hadn't been mentioned nor was there a problem with him. I think we had 1 or 2 sessions, but she didn't cooperate, so it didn't help.

    She went to counselling by herself for a couple years but I asked her if it had touched on the issues between us, she looked at me blankly and it turned out it had never occurred to her to bring it up in counselling.

    Considering it's almost impossible to get her to focus on a human rather than a screen on the mobile, the i phone, the flatscreen tv or the laptop I don't hold out much hope, but I will ask my own counsellor on Monday if she knows of anywhere that would be good.

    I'd try just about anything that had any chance of improving this situation: I'm battling very hard to not let it pull me into a deep depression as it has done in the past.

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    • reminiscent
      9 years ago

      Asking your concealer might be goid.
      best of luck to you

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      • Ellenna
        9 years ago

        Thanks, I'm going to need it! My daughter's issues go back to her early childhood and what went on between her father and me: as he's dead, I cop all her unresolved bullshit, which she's done nothing to resolve even though she does know what it's about.

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