Is it normal i'm going through all this mental stuff?

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Hi, I'm a freshmen kid in college. I'm a very sensitive guy and I'm facing this problem. I met this girl, we became best friends, and now I'm at the point where I'm guessing if I really like her or not for about 5 months.

Like I introduced myself, I'm a very sensitive guy, as in I can surely guess how people think about each other or me. so i easily guessed who she liked(we had a convo where she told me she liked who i guessed). and when I looked over what happened before I started to think if i liked her, i can tell she did like me. but I'm still not confirmed that i like her. all I can tell you is that I'm more cautious about her, more sensitive about her actions, and remember many things related to her. I've had this for about 5 months now. but the funny thing is, I'm guessing she doesn't think of me as a bestfriends anymore; or maybe we were never...

there's this guy, who is my best friend and happened to be from the same high school from the girl, which made them best friends here. I'm now guessing she likes him. she looks at him most of the time when she's talking when she's generally talking to both of us. so I tell myself to just look away and don't look at her the way i did before. but i haven't been able to manage myself to run away from her. I live right across the hall from her room and we see each other everyday..

a lot of things happened between us. I remember most of the events we did together. she doesn't. she says she's really bad at remembering things and I'm over it. and I understand she may not think me as her best friend. I have a kind of a personality that I cannot stop caring about others which probably made her step away from me (she likes to do things the way she's used to, doesn't want me to change her in any way). so I stopped telling her anything. if any, just a joke, simply agreeing with her idea, or any simple compliment to make her happy.

I've told myself there's no way she likes me, no way we can be anything more than best friends, and I'd be hurt if I continue this. but my hurt sucks and my brain is dead when i'm with her. everything that i promise myself not to do, happens. I constantly look at her and smile at her. I have no idea what's going on. and now, if i can just forget about her existance, I'd be happy. I get depressed whenever I find out anything what she's doing something with others while she refuse to do with me. or lie to me to do things with others... am i the only one who get to this crappy point where i feel useless, depressed, and a loser?

thanks for reading this... can anyone give me an advice?

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Based on 25 votes (14 yes)
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Comments ( 20 )
  • wasjusthinkin
    12 years ago

    This one is a hard one to give advice on...I can relate to you. I have a friend that i feel like i fell uncontrollable in love with...We've been friends for 11 years, so you could imagine how close we are. When i got to that breaking point where i felt angry, alone, sad, confused, helpless, and in love...I confessed everything to this man... He didn't and still doesn't love me the way that i love him, but somehow we manage to still be friends. We are though extremely closer now than we have ever been. I guess i feel like weight is off my shoulders, cause in a way he knows how much i love him, and that feels good. We will be there for each other forever and always...The hardest part to deal with is all the little sluts that come around and whatnot BUT! you gotta remember to stay strong lol... It's not always an easy thing to deal with but at least i have him in my life...I was saying your situation is a hard one to give advice on because every person is very different when it comes to love and feelings, but to take some advice...just say fuck it and tell her..Release some tension off your brain.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      I don't know how i missed this great advice before. well like I commented on the other person, I actually told her. It was very awkward and I knew she doesnt like me, but I got if off my chest. I learned things from that moment and I feel kinda good. i wish things will just work out. thanks for the great advice and I hope you guys also work out in the end(: thank you again!

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      • wasjusthinkin
        12 years ago

        I understand, but you feel better now after telling her? It's different when you don't trap yourself up in your own thoughts all time. Letting out and being more of a straight forward kinda person is all good my book lol. Confidence is key. Trapping your yourself in your head all time can drive a bitch crazy....AND that is not the key my friend :)

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  • tbiM20
    12 years ago

    That's a long read, so let's see if I can answer right...
    I'm 23-year-old female, just graduated college.

    First off, as a freshman in college, this girl will be looking all around for new experiences. Don't be surprised if you're getting mixed signals or if she seems scattered... she really is, bc she doesn't know better. It's the first time most of you have lived independently, managed your own money, your own schedules... it is a little overwhelming.
    Second, by avoiding eye contact you are taking away any opportunity for her to make eye contact with you. Maybe she determined that you weren't responding to her signals, so you didn't like her & she decided to move on. It happens.

    Third, if you like her, just sum up the courage and ask her out! You don't have to say a date... ask if she wants to go to the bookstore, the mall, or even the cafeteria! The worst thing you can do for yourself is to keep guessing.

    Fourth, bad memory DOES happen. Us girls do stupid things (&you guys do some dumb stuff too) that can be interpreted completely wrong. Trust her if she says her memory is bad. In fact, I used to FALL ASLEEP when I was kissing my bf. Granted it was usually past 10 pm, but I fell asleep while KISSING! Talk about signals... but my bf understood it wasn't intentional, it just happens.

    Basically, if you like her, ask her on a date. If you think you like her, ask her on a kinda-date. You'll just screw with yourself if you keep this up.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      thank you for reading all that and an awesome response. but there's more things that I should have clarified more. yes, she and I are new to college and all, but, she lived in a boarding school for high school that she's been away from her parents. and I am in a situation where I went all my high school years without living with my parents. so we're basically used to this situation.

      Thou, I understand what you are saying; and i'd like to say I have tried things. however, some things just don't work out in our situation. we live in a very very small dorm plus an anti social dorm that we basically eat every meal together.. and of course, i asked her to eat out with me, except she has "bad memory skills" to ever remember.. and she also brought her room mate to eat when i asked her to eat breakfast with me (as in alone; and i usually never eat breakfast)...

      and I do look at her. in fact, I'm always the one staring at her... wanting her to give me some attention, not my friend. I try all those things to give her "signals" that I shows that I like her.

      as to think of it, you are right about how i was thinking about her more as i tell myself to move on every single moment. I guess I think of her all day to try to "forget" about her. I wonder what will stop all this..

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      • tbiM20
        12 years ago

        From my experience, some sort of resolution will normally help. Even if she rejects you, would you rather have that finite answer than the constant nagging what-ifs? So, my suggestion would be to ask her casually if she would like to go out sometime. It doesn't have to be something big, candle light dinner or anything. But make your feelings obvious to her, so she can make hers obvious to you.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          12 years ago

          well.. my question is should I ever ask her as in tell her? or should I just move on. I once was going to tell her that I really like her. but, I got nervous and... talked about other things... I told her I'm gonna change myself and try to be someone else. I wanted to know if she'd stop me, which could also mean she wants me to stay the same or not(which could also mean she likes me). well, it didn't work out that well..

          as you already know many things about it. and I'd love it if you can help me with little more about the this situaion with more specific details.

          this girl is really different from others. she's really nice, bright, and innocent. I consider her personality as the best personality to have; I love how she is. And she's always happy and she's never really mad. she doesn't drink, smoke, or doesn't party either. and she's nice to everyone, take care of herself and caring. I really like the fact that her and I have so many common interests. those are the reasons that I really like her, and reason i can't forget about her either. anything I do reminds me of her... what do you think..?

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          • tbiM20
            12 years ago

            Let me answer your question with a question, so I can better advise you...

            What do you want out of your relationship with her? Close friendship? A date? Love? Monogamy? General closeness and understanding? Explain what it is you feel that you are missing in your current relationship with her, what you want it to be.

            As for what I think: I think you're smitten :)

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              12 years ago

              well... I'd love to be her anything more than a friend. but as what I see, I think I don't know what I can be with her. so I started to think that I'd be happy just as a friend, if I can just move on and not held on to this...

              I'm really depressed nowadays. when we're hanging out together and all, and she only gives other people attention but i'm treated like no one. she always says "one minute" when I talk to her while she's doing something, but then she would quit her work and talk to others when they're talking to each other, not her..

              I get really really happy when I'm with her and when she gives me attention. so I just want to be her friend, if I can make her like her, I'd love to date her, and in a worst case scenario, I just want myself away from the hurtful feelings.

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    • tbiM20
      12 years ago

      Oh yeah, & by constantly thinking about how you need to forget her, you are setting yourself up to be that much more focused on her. So, you seem to have a crush on her. If you ask her on a date & she says yes, you got a date! If she says no, you have a resolution! It is that simple.

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  • tbiM20
    12 years ago

    K well honestly, girls can get a little put off sometimes by overzealous attention. I'm not saying that you may be creepy or anything, I'm saying that our radar sometimes tells us to be cautious of the person who is watching us closely. (think of how handy it is at night or a bar.) So, she may actually be trying to put a little distance in, to evaluate you. Whether you think you're obvious or not, we can tell.

    Second thing is that you need to be more confident in yourself. You talk about how sad and depressed and infatuated you are, and while that can be sweet, a relationship isn't necessarily going to solve those things for you. Yes relationships are wonderful things with awesome experiences, but you need to learn to love yourself as much as possible, just as she needs the same love of herself. Why? Well, you can love someone only so much if you don't know how to really love yourself.

    Finally, the best solution I can give you is to just stop feeling sorry for yourself and TALK to her. What is the worst possible thing that could happen? If you're afraid of rejection, do you honestly think you're going to avoid it your whole life? Afraid of a breakup or fight, honey every relationship goes through at least one of those. It's not about trying to make everything perfect fairy tale life, wedding, job and kids... Life is about how you handle the challenges.

    I don't intend for this to sound cynical or mean, but there are only so many ways I can type this out so I'll just be straightforward.... I would love to tell you that your situation is unique. I really would. It makes people feel better to think that they are a special case. But, this situation is not unique. People go through the same thing every day. Some people come in swinging for what they want. Some just passively back out, disappear from it. Some sit on the side and just feel sorry for themselves as they let other people decide for them. What sets each case apart is the way it is handled. And that is what you need to decide. I'm not criticizing you, please understand that this is just another bit of advice from me. But eventually you are going to have to have a good long chat with yourself. I've given all the help I can think of. At some point, you are going to have to take action, because advice is just words, and you are the one in charge of the outcome.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      and also, I stated that she treat me like no one, because when I compare me and other friends, she really doesn't give me "any" attention. like I wrote earlier, she says "one minute" most of the time when I talk to her, while she doesn't to others. and she'd be "listening" to my stories, until someone, just do anything. she doesn't treat me as nice as she used to, I'm guessing she's treating me worse than anyone and my friends have also told her how she treat me badly. I know, why do I like her? all I can see is how she's treating me harshly, but I still can't get out of it. and the fact that she's doing those things to me, I get more depressed and leads me to be quiet around people. yet, she really never ask me what's wrong, while she always do when some others are even a little bit different.... Talking is probably the best thing. But when I talk to her privately, I'm the only one who talks, she just "agrees" with me and say some nice things to make me feel better... I just miss how she used to treat me and her smile she gave me. Thanks again for giving me advice

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      • tbiM20
        12 years ago

        Well, if you truly feel that you are being rejected, you should act based on that. You could
        A) tell her how you feel anyways (it.may be a relief to you even if she says she doesnt feel the same), then either stay friends or part ways if you cant stand it,
        B) hide it, get over it & stay friends (not always the most emotionally healthy option), or
        C) cut your ties from her completely.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          12 years ago

          I'm actually thinking to tell her, let her know how I feel and explain some things. I'd rather be rejected than regret it all my life. I should tell her as soon as possible, too. So then I have chance to make it up if it gets awkward.. I'll ask. Thank you so much for your advice. I'll let you know how it goes (:

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          • tbiM20
            12 years ago

            Good luck :-)

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              12 years ago

              Hi, it's been about a week since i promised that i will tell her. I am here to tell you that I just did. in person. yes, very awkward. but i wasn't telling her that to see if anything happens, i told her to get it out of my mind; i think i'm kinda relieved haha.. well she didn't really have anything to say, and i let her go to her room as she was about to go to sleep when i told her this. I couldn't really tell her everything I was thinking. maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. thank you for letting me realize things thou. i looked at myself over the week and noticed a lot of things of me and her. it was obvious that she didn't like me. i was below her friend level. probably just an annoying guy who happens to be living in her dorm. As i told her this, i think i'm free from it now. we probably will be just "friends" like we are now.... or maybe just be awkward everytime we see each other.

              the point is that i did something i haven't done before and i feel good. i'm not worried about what will happen between her. I saw her reactions when I told her; i ccould tell she didn't have anything to say, she was shocked. she told me i'm an "awesome friend" while i feel like she's not even my friend....... which i knew was gonna happen. well, i'm only a freshmen experienceing what is going on.

              ugh i can't organize anything! i'm still frozen from the moment i told her. sorry if this whole thing doesn't mean anything. I... was convincing myself everything is okay... thank you very much for your advice.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it. confidence has been my problem since I was a little kid. I hear a lot that I think too much. that might be something that causes my confidence problem; I'd be really harsh to myself. but I love how I've fixed many things by thinking over them and I'm not sure if there's ever thinking "too much". so I'm gonna think little more about this before I talk to her about this. I want to make sure things will go right way when I tell her. I have a great feeling that she likes my friend very much and I don't think it's a good idea to just tell her my feelings when she likes someone else. one day, I will be straight forward just tell her.

      my question is, before the summer break? or after? I won't be in US over the break...

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      • tbiM20
        12 years ago

        I wouldn't put a time limit on it. Do it whenever you are most comfortable. Though if you ask sooner, you both might have the summer to think it over/bond/grow, whatever way it swings. You could also talk to your friend, say "hey, I think she likes you, do you like her?" bc if he says no, then it wont hurt to tell her your feelings.

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