Is it normal i'm considering to "tough love" with depressed friend?

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6 Comments

I'm concerned I'm not giving the appropriate support to a very depressed friend whose decades long partner died of cancer recently after he'd nursed her for a year. He says he's never been depressed before in his life (he's in his 60's) and has recently been suicidal to the point that on two occasions an ambulance and police have been called to his house & he's ended up in hospital.

He's almost totally consumed by negativity and rigid black & white thinking and won't consider professional counselling after attending one session with a grief counsellor.

My support consists of letting him vent and trying to give him hope that his life will improve, plus gently encouraging him to go back to counselling, but nothing much seems to be changing with him and he seems to be stuck in his depression.

I'm wondering if it might be better to challenge him more strongly about having professional counselling or whether I should just continue as I am. It concerns me that he's also very angry some of the time, which is common when someone is grieving, but I don't want that turned on me as it has been on others trying to help him.

Ideas and suggestions, please!

Voting Results
43% Normal
Based on 7 votes (3 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • DuHast
    7 years ago

    The stakes are pretty high with that. I'm not a believer in tough love, and in this instance I don't think it would help.
    Having said that, I'm sure you're very frustrated as he doesn't seem to want to help himself. But that's sometimes part of the nature of depression, especially when it's as severe as it sounds in this case.
    Do you feel that when you're around it makes any impact on his thinking at all?

    I really don't know. I would probably put up with it and keep trying for as long as possible, but there has to be a limit there. You're not solely responsible and it's unfair for you to be in that position. So... I don't really know. Maybe do some research online, try everything you can - I'm sure you're already at that point.
    But I would be reluctant to leave someone like that because it sounds like the chance of something happening is pretty high, and that would obviously be a huge shame. And I just don't think "tough love" works. I think it can make things much worse in a lot of situations.

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    • Ellenna
      7 years ago

      Thanks for your thoughtful response. And yeah you're right, the stakes are very high and that's what concerns me. I'm not considering cutting off from him, more like pointing out I can't help him unless he starts to help himself, even a tiny bit.

      After we talk for a while and I give support he does seem calmer, but I can't be with him 24 hours a day, more like a couple of hours every second or third day and between contact he seems to go back into deep depression again.

      I have had counselling training and also a lot of experience supporting people in crisis (including myself at times!) but I find it hard to keep going over and over the same stuff with him and it not really creating any change.

      I guess I'll just keep hanging in there as long as I can: I can't see any alternative at the moment.

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      • DuHast
        7 years ago

        Hey again, I missed your reply somehow, sorry about that.
        Yeah, I'm sorry you're in this situation and for your friend of course. I do agree with your approach though, and you would know more than me anyhow with the counselling experience.
        I suppose, having gone through depression (as a hell of a lot of us have or will at some point) I can relate to the - I suppose, futility - it must feel like? That you're going over the same ground again and again, and it's just not sticking.

        Which is why I think you're right to point that out to him - that he has to help himself. And again, I do think (just in my limited experience) that those things are part of the nature of it as well - which obviously makes it incredibly difficult and frustrating for you.

        But maybe, at the same time, accepting that maybe all you can do for now is to provide some momentary respite for him - because I'm sure, like you say - that you do have some effect, if only temporary. If all you can do is leave him feeling a little bit better than when you arrived - and even if that doesn't last - it's definitely better than nothing. Much better. And maybe it has more impact than is evident.

        But you're right, of course, at some point he has to help himself - or something has to give. And in my opinion anyway, that inevitably will happen. It's just a matter of time.

        So, do keep at it. You're a good person and a good friend to be there for him, but unfortunately nobody's a miracle worker - and nor should you be expected to move mountains for someone who is absolutely determined to self destruct (not that he is, but I'm just saying, there is a limit to what you can do). So... , it's a difficult thing. But good luck to you and your friend, both. I really do think that you are helping him.

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  • RoseIsabella
    7 years ago

    Depressed and suicidal or not don't put up with an angry person especially if that person is lashing out at you.

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    • Ellenna
      7 years ago

      Anger doesn't bother me because I don't see it as a negative emotion in itself, depends what it leads to, and it's almost always part of grief. I did warn him about inappropriate anger before his partner died because and he hasn't actually been angry with me, only with other people and then tells me about it later.

      I have tried to convince him some of his anger isn't rational: for example, feeling betrayed by one of the friends who sent an ambulance and police to his place when he'd expressed suicidal thoughts and then dumping her as a friend. He refuses to see that it wasn't betrayal but concern for him and he knows I'd do the same thing in those circumstances because in my opinion if someone tells others they're feeling suicidal they want to be talked out of it.

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  • [Old Memory]
    7 years ago

    You can't force someone to seek help but psychiatric intervention may help here if he agrees to it. Sometimes meds can break you out of despair and depression.

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