Is it normal i like tormenting animals?

I 'like' tormenting small animals but I don't really want to like it if that makes sense.

I avoid those kind of videos which expose animal cruelty, like the kind that PETA put out. But on the other hand, one of my favorite sites is negotiationisover.com which is a 'by any means necessary' animal rights blog. I like the way they turn everything into animal abuse and the way they describe it.

I should just avoid animals, right?

The problem is my job. It's in biomed and we do animal experiments. Don't get me wrong, we don't actually torture animals. But there is perfusions, which involves grabbing the beating heart of the mouse and putting a needle into it to remove the blood from its body. The blood goes everywhere. The mouse is dead, but I imagine to myself that its still sentient. And then to kill mouse pups, the humane way is decapitation. Basically just snipping the heads off. Sometimes the body will wriggle around after. Also when killing them with an overdose of anesthetic I like to hold them so I can feel them dying. But what I like best is restraining them. Animals hate being restrained and I like the way there is not much they can do about it.

I am quite good at sensing when an animal is suffering which has been helpful I can figure out ways of making procedures less stressful. For example the most stressful part of injecting rats is restraining them to the point where they have no control. If I restrain them in a way they feel like they're in control, then it becomes easier. Many researchers are indifferent to animal pain/stress unless it is obvious not because they are heartless but because they genuinely don't know. This has made me *look* more empathetic towards animals but they all don't know their suffering is somehow making me feel good!

And what am I going to say, 'sorry I refuse to work with animals because I think I'm enjoying this too much?'