Is it normal i feel trapped with psychological issues?

I want to run away, a far far far far distance from where I am. Across the country away. And also I want to run away from my memories and old recurring thoughts, purge very guilty thoughts. I do feel guilty every day. I want to erase my existence from the universe, for example erase my family's memory of me so that it was like I never even existed. I want to not be contained by expectations of me, whether Real or imagined. I want freedom from the same thoughts that plague me every day. I want them to never come back. I just want to not have certain psychological feelings of guilt and melancholy. I know that I "should" feel grateful for people in my life but I DONT. The more people do for me the WORSE I feel. I feel like I don't deserve anything good really. Why? Because I'm a shitty person. I'm oftentimes just a bitch, frankly. Guilt is a huge issue for me and that is one of the reasons I want to escape.

As far as why I feel guilty - the broadest reason is that I understand how life is a rare and special gift and that I feel like I'm wasting it. Wasting it by not being happy and taking advantage of life's offerings. I'm too cowardly to do those things. I always make excuses for why I'm not living life to the best extent. And like I said above, I'm a shitty person (self- absorbed, neurotic, childish). but sometimes I think I have a good heart.

I keep thinking about suicide every day basically. Today I was walking home feeling depressed and I heard a local train crossing start sounding behind me. I had a wild desire to turn around and run in front of the train.

I can't describe exactly what I would do if I ran away but. Still I desire it. The problem with suicide is that it would distress my family a lot. Which i don't want. I want myself to be erased from everyone's memory. So for example in their memory of a party that I was at, I would just not be there.

I definitely feel that I'm stuck in a rut. I hate where I am (mainly psychologically speaking) and I FEEL GUILTY AS FUCK. For everything. WHY DOES NOTHIG BAD HAPPEN TO ME. I DESERVE BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME.

But there are other issues too. I have a mix of superiority and inferiority complexes. For some reason. I'm a high strung person as is likely evident from this entire post. Does anyone think like me? I feel like I'm in a different wavelength than other people. I wonder how much overlap there is between others' thoughts and my own.

A huge problem is that my thoughts repeat themselves day in and day out. I cannot escape them. But if I purge my negative thoughts then how can I be who I was? Would I still be "me"? I feel that my negativity is an inherent part of who I am.

On the outside I seem pretty normal. I recently graduated from college and I'm looking for a job. I dress normally, I keep my apartment clean, I'm polite. Everything seems OK from the outside.but inside it's not OK (hence this long posting).

About 1.5 years ago I had a roommate who I was pretty close with. One time I remember we were in the living room of the apartment, it was just the two of us. I don't remember the exact context or her exact words, but I remember she said something like this: "I don't know exactly what it is, but I can tell you're fighting a [psychological] battle inside now". She was Completely correct.

Reading back on this post, it's somehow a mixture of sad and funny. Also I am aware that it's all over the place.

So.

Is any of this normal? I am genuinely unclear about if it is or not.