Is it normal, help me figure it out.

I have never been depressed, nor am I now.

Yet I lack motivation, ambition, drive, dreams. I know of nothing I wish to gain in my future and only have unrealistic goals such as making an award-winning film or having an exhibition of my art where pieces would sell for an high amount of money. Of which I wonder to myself: if and when you've accomplished them, what would you do after?

I am graduating high school this year and I applied to an university I've always thought I would go to.

Turns out I was rejected.

I never expected it and I've always assumed I would not be able to bare it. Atleast that was what I thought in the past...but I didn't feel...not a thing.

I thought maybe it was my defense mechanisms to numb myself from pain, yet I don't even remember what I applied for...nor am I motivated to study harder for my actual exams (my predicted was what I applied with).

It's as if I'm watching my own life as a movie from a screen. Without any attachment.

I don't think of suicide and I would never kill myself but a year ago I was sure I was HIV-positive. I had unprotected sex with five different strangers (ofcourse, not all at once). I went to get tested and had to wait a day for my results.

I was ready for a positive...wondering whether I should even go back for the results when I was so confident.

I thought, yes, ten years is enough for me. That made me realise it was because I never saw myself beyond those years.

I turned out to be HIV-negative. I am relieved to some extent and promised myself to never have unprotected sex again...but to think I basically almost used HIV as a convenience.

My family loves me and I do love them as well but I have to keep up a façade infront of them. I did not spend all my years with them and went abroad to study during my later middle school years until the final two years of high school, so they "know" me as a bubbly little girl.

Whenever I let it slip to show this apathetic me, they become afraid and ask me "Why are you not acting like yourself?" But I was more myself than any other time I've been with them.

Now, after a series of reoccuring events with my behaviour when I go out...many times of which I end up not coming back home until much later than expected, they've lost trust in me and I've become an hopeless case.

It was cruel of me to make my parents go through that and although I do know of common sense, I didn't care about the dangers that could befallen a young lady in the dark (although I am always careful) and the distraught and worry upon my parents. It was as if during those times, I was simply by myself, no one beside me, no one waiting for me.

My parents questions what went wrong when they raised me and did tell me, atleast twice: "Sometimes I feel you are not my daughter." I take it because they were great parents. They did nothing wrong. My two older brothers turned out fine.

At times I even wonder why I would go out because I would always go out alone. I used to have friends, but one after the other, they seem to let go of me until there are only distant remnants of the time we used to spend together. It's probably my fault.

Is this normal? If not, what should I do about it?

Have you been through this? What did you do? What happened to your future?

I don't know anymore. I spend my days passing time with no interests to engage myself in, not even mindlessly going through the internet.

Now is it normal thinks I'm suicidal and is recommending hotlines but I am simply trying to figure it out.

I see no future.