Is it normal for you to be mad over being demoted to groomsmen?

56% Normal
5 Comments

Is it normal that I feel very betrayed, mad and salty about being demoted to groomsmen from being a best man?

This friend of mine and I have been best friends since middle school and we would always talk about how we would take care of his or my family if something goes wrong, how we would be the best man for his or my wedding, etc.

We were roommate at one point in our lives, shared similar family background, encouraged each other always because we grew up in difficult environment, we would tell each other secrets that we wouldn't even share with siblings/parents....we were just... "best friends" for all I know.

About the best man issue, this wasn't just like a kiddy promise we made when we were like 15, we talked about it after we grew up and I, at least, took it very seriously, like a pledge. He eventually moved to different city for his career and I also went all in on my career, typical becoming adults with more responsibility situation.

Long story short, one day he got engaged, he didn't ask for my help, which is okay because sometimes people don't even need to plan any events for engagement, he lived really far so it only makes more sense that way. When he told me about his wedding, he said he's sorry that I am not his best man. I asked why and his reasoning was that his new friend was really there for him and they became real close.

For me, I didn't care how we didn't get to hang out or communicate as much as before, I never even begin to think about considering anybody else as a best man over him for my wedding because he was my best friend and I took that promise we made like some kind of sacred pledge.

I felt very humiliated knowing that other groomsmen knew of what happened and felt betrayed to the point I didn't want to be part of his wedding at all. He felt bad that he said sorry to me, but what got me so mad was that he was fully aware of what he did to me that he had to check if he was still up for his position for my wedding. He said, "I am at least gonna be your groomsmen..right..?"

We all know being a best friend cannot be explained in such a simple way, so it was really difficult for me to type these story out to tell how important we were to each other, but the bottom line is that I am having a difficult time embracing this. I know his wedding is all about him and his wife, but I just felt like betrayed in a way. because to me his excuse of meeting this new friend who helped him a lot sounds like his current best friend could've been replaced also as soon as he meets someone else who fulfills his needs???

I don't know.. I feel very embarrassed in a way that I am salty about this whole issue.
am I being too over dramatic?

Voting Results
56% Normal
Based on 9 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • sydslytherin
    5 years ago

    It’s easier to hurt someone who is far away than someone who is with you all the time.

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    Don’t worry about it. You’re still part of the ceremony and don’t have deal with all the best man BS (bachelor party arrangements, speech, dealing with the rings...etc).

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    Life moves on and so do people. The wedding is about celebrating their marriage with the people currently in their lives. You are part of his past and don’t even live nearby anymore. You should be happy that you were important enough in his life to even get an invitation, despite not being part of his current set of friends.

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    I had a similar experience. I had a "friend" in college and we wanted even to become blood brothers. It was somehow a close relationship, but more because I insisted on it, I wanted it more than him and he just didn't stop me or so.

    Anyways, we had similar interests and spent time together, but soon he changed radically. I moved to another country and he changed his interests a lot, independently of my relocation. Before, we had a lot of topics to discuss such as hot chicks or sex, while slowly he got into a relationship and he became so committed to it that he was always saying he doesn't want that kind of attitude anymore. He is only willing to consider his girl, and cannot wait to marry her. Every discussion was boring and I was visibly pushing it, but it was never the same. We started arguing more and more until we had a big argument and stopped talking permanently for a year or so. I still think about it sometimes, but in the end it was only me trying to open the conversation again, while it was clear that he was interested only in his girl and nothing else. I do not condemn that, but I realized that we were not true friends, I pushed it and it was a strong association at the beginning, although still not what I thought it is, and now it's nothing at all.

    I am glad I didn't do anything to symbolize a permanent connection, since I was clearly not fully aware of the situation. I had a tough life, he didn't, and I really wanted a friend, but he wasn't that way, it just happened that for 1 year we managed to spend a lot of time together, studying for finals. It was a good thing, but people change and that's it. I also changed my interests somehow, but I still wanted the old topics that made us both into conversing, and I was willing to stick only to them, but his change was so radical that was even incompatible with our old style somehow. He kept talking about becoming a father and how much he wants that, and it felt like one of those friends that get married and now kill all the fun.

    People change and we don't expect the changes. Especially at an early age, it is very likely to underestimate the changes and to consider things like brotherhood or life long pledges. I learned from this that I should consider such relationships only after a very long time (I heard that 7 years is a good estimator) and critical consideration and many different changes to be able to predict what happens, if I do it at all.

    So what happened to you is normal. We were young and we didn't know much about life, so it's ok. But you must understand that it was a bad decision many people make and now, that we confront the reality, we understand it and we get over it. So I suggest forgetting about the pledge and accepting the change. Just keep it as a precious memory, it was a good thing, but it ended now and that's that. Everything that is good has an end. A bottomless juice or an endless steak makes you sick. Next time when you think about a pledge be sure to consider all these aspects.

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  • GertrudeGill
    5 years ago

    I say it is TOTALLY normal to feel heartbroken that your best friend picked someone else closer in proximity to be his best man. Try to let it go and have fun at the wedding. You're not wrong to feel sad... but I hope you can forgive him and have a great time celebrating his joy and new life with his bride. Don't become bitter. Show him how much you still care about him by staying in touch with him and then when it's your turn to get married, he can still be your best man like you both always promised to each other.

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