Is it normal for women who have been in abusive relationships to seek

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24 Comments

Okay I started dating this chic I've known for a while. She recently was in an physically abusive marriage. Out of the blue she calls me up and wants to get together. I agreed and we started dating. I always thought she was the type of girl I could go for. And sure enough after about a month I fell in love with her. Well I'm a nice guy(don't hit broads, lots of flattery,etc.).Well it seemed like the nicer I was the further she distanced herself. Is there a pattern women who have been abused fall into.(seeking more abuse). Like she needs the drama and chaos.She also seemed determined to get to say I love her. Once I did it was like flipping a switch. She was totally turned off. Like she was using me for an affirmation or to boost her wounded ego then kick me loose. Anyone have experience with this.

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58% Normal
Based on 59 votes (34 yes)
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Comments ( 24 )
  • jensapa
    12 years ago

    I think chicks that have been in abusive relationships try an sabotage things when there good as they think there gonna stuff up an go bad any way. Some girls believe they don't deserve to be treated respectfully or have never even been treated good so they don't know how to take it.

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    • Ldizzy1234
      12 years ago

      Exactly. They're so used to not feeling respected, and being cheated on, beat, etc. That when they finally have something good, they can't help but in the back of there mind, think something bad is just around the corner. Like something bad is gonna happen. They just expect and go on in the relationship thinking somethings gonna go wrong, because they usually have a hard time with trust too.

      It's sad because no matter how often you try to prove it to her that you're not like the asshole before her, she's so traumatized from what happened in the past that she almost expects that kinda behavior out of anyone who comes around next. You should sit down and have a heart to heart with her about your intentions and how shes feeling.

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    • Queeny
      12 years ago

      Well put

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  • randomjelly
    12 years ago

    Maybe if you would have used the term "broads" a few more times she would have been impressed. O_o

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  • Isolated
    12 years ago

    Just because your girlfriend said she was previously in an abusive relationship doesn't mean she can push you around. However, I think she needs time to adjust to the new relationship she has with you. Talk it out with her so you can get both of your feelings across.

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  • Queeny
    12 years ago

    Its sounds to me like she is just afraid. Afraid of letting another guy in who could possibly hurt her again. When you show her kindness her defense mechanism is to push you away. She's clearly broken. If you don't think you can handle a woman who has been broken, try to let her down the best way possible because if you stay and she finally does develop strong feelings for you, but you can't handle her baggage it's only going to make everything so much worse. Not to mention, you're going to add on to her pain and lack of trust towards men.

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  • georgienne
    12 years ago

    She's very likely being cautious because 'nice guys don't exist.' she thinks you're toying with her, so she's buckling down to prepare for what she's used to.
    Give her time to come around, be as nice as you usually are, don't fake anything or go overboard.
    I'd also ask her about it, what she thinks of the relationship and what you can do to ease her. This communication should help her realise you're for real and no threat.

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  • opal-leaves
    12 years ago

    She probably just needs time. Be her friend for now. She probably is really hurt & doesn't want to hear anything about any guy. You live your life but remember you're her friend. Don't try to get with her or try to be her bf after this whole thing. Be strong & just find yourself another woman. Maybe with time she will feel attached to later on. :) Best Wishes!
    S.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Dont let her damage your pride just because she wants to boost her ego. If she is playing you to make herself feel better then be the worst you can to her, what makes you think you deserve to get your pride hit just for hers to be built? if she want to hit your pride then you break what ever pride she has left.

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    • Queeny
      12 years ago

      You should be ashamed of yourself. You're giving this guy advice to get into a pissing match with a woman. No real man should ever feel the need to "break" a woman down. Dude, I feel bad for your girl if you even have one.

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      • [Old Memory]
        12 years ago

        You are sexist. You are saying that men shouldnt treat women like they would another man? so your saying a woman is alowed to hit someones pride and the man isnt alowed to do the same? sorry certain policys are that if you start something then you might not be the one to finnish it. Like I said your comment is sexist I believe in gender equality that means if you would retaliate to a man in that situation then you would do the same to a woman. I am not a relationship person and I find them irritating so no I dont have a girlfriend.

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        • Queeny
          12 years ago

          This has absolutely nothing to do with sexism. You seem to throw the term around very loosely when you are offended. This woman is not trying to "hurt anyones pride", istead of turning it into a personal attack on his manhood why don't stop and think about the fact that this woman was abused? Victims of abuse, no matter the gender, are left with scars that make it harder for them to understand and accept compassion. If you really care for someone who has been abused, you must understand this. To get into a pissing match with them is doing absolutely NOTHING for you or for her. Based on your answer, you clearly have a HUGE ego and that ego is what gets in the way of you being able to maintain a stable relationship. You are automatically threatened by women no matter what it is, and that to me shows that you too have been hurt, specifically by a woman. I recommend that you put your ego aside and talk out your feelings to a professional. Whether you want to admit it or not, you need help.

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          • [Old Memory]
            12 years ago

            Em no. you started the seist convo by saying "that is a woman you dont do that to a woman". Why dont I do that to a woman? what makes her any different from a man? No I have not had any problems or past pains with women I just find it irritating how women like to say "We want to be treated equally" but when it means getting the negative side of equality they try their hardest to say its wrong. If it was a man I would say the same thing to the OP. Just because she wants to get her pride up doesnt mean she is alowed to take away the pride of someone else be that another woman or in this case a man. So you are saying she is alowed to hurt someones because she was hurt in the past? I dont throw the term around loosly I use the term when it can be used because I feel it is the one way to show true equality of gender. That equality isnt equality without complete equality. I am not threatened by women or men. I know its a fact there are women that are far better than me and have better lifes and they deserve those great lives and the success they achieve. Dont think just because I believe in ACTUAL equality that im threatened by women. I have not been hurt in the past buy a female or male like I said before. Relationship really isnt something important to me I have only had two relationships which I didnt want to "maintain". The first was to see what it was like (I didnt like it) and the second relationship was for a skateboard. Nearly everything in that comment was wrong I say nearly because I believe I have some sort of pride/ego which I am proud of. I dont need help I am as normal as anyone else and no matter how many times people say it,its not going to make me think I need help because the fact is I am me and there is nothing wrong with me.

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            • Queeny
              12 years ago

              I specifically said, no real man should ever feel the need to "break" a woman down. How does that make it sexist? My comment is in relation to THIS particular situation. Of the tables were turned I would defend the man if some crazy woman was suggesting the person break down the man if that were the case, but its not. Like I said, you took my response and spun it in a completely different direction. This question, let alone my response, had absolutely nothing to do with sexism. I defend whoever needs to be defended, male or female. In this case, its a female. A female who has been through abuse. And for you to sit up here and tell this guy to basically challenge her and break her down when she is clearly in pain is just wrong no matter how you spin it. As I said before, you clearly have issues with the opposite sex. You can lie to yourself and give yourself these reasons for why you're not "a relationship type of guy" but you my friend, are highly transparent even through the internet. I hope one day before its too late, you finally stop being hard headed and admit that you have a problem relating to women for whatever reason or reasons. You could be so happy if you just put that ego aside. Is it really worth it to you?

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  • georgienne
    12 years ago

    I've to agree, the chivalrous times are over. If a girl needs a slap, it shouldn't matter who does it. Sexism needs to die.

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  • theytookthisone
    12 years ago

    I experienced that with guys...its like the only way to keep them is to treat them like dirt. I've learned to just stay away from those masochist. Somewhere out there, I will find a simpleton just like me..I hope :)

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  • Sparx32
    12 years ago

    Honestly, I don't think it's normal. If she's out of that relationship and in a new one, it should be seen as it is. Something new. However, if she see's any resemblance or similarity, however trivial or insignificant in your behavior (not saying she has) she's going to use that as an excuse to pardon herself.
    Nothing you've done is wrong. Apparently her behavior seems to be erratic. Some will say it's normal because "who hasn't been a little off" after a bad relationship. But the truth is, you make your own choices. As she does. Even whether or not these choices are influenced by the bad treatment of past relationships, ultimately, she makes the decision to remain a broken woman by not allowing herself a good attempt at a normal relationship. If I were you, I'd bid my farewell and keep her at a distance. If you try and talk to her about it, she'll probably excuse herself by saying things like: "you have to understand, my last relationship was abusive, and he did this and that to me and I don't mean to act this way (oh yes you freakin' do!!) but it's just that I'm still healing, blah blah blah", while some sad violin squeals in the background. Don't get sucked into a dysfunctional relationship with someone who clearly refuses to put her past abusive relationship behind.

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