Is it normal for two guys to feel extremely close?

78% Normal
20 Comments

So, I have this friend that I've cared about for a long time, but I never really knew how to say anything about it. He was over the other day and I told him he was more like an older brother to me than a friend. At first he acted kind of bothered by it, but then he said he was fine with it. I was half-expecting it to ruin our friendship, but I decided to trust him with it and it worked out.

It seems like our friendship is incredibly confusing sometimes. We're both straight. He's extremely homophobic, as am I to an extent. The weird thing is, I'm comfortable around him to the point that it doesn't bother me. Most things people would find it "gay" to talk about to another guy I don't mind talking about, among other things.

At one point he started leaning on my shoulder for no apparent reason. If any other guy did that I'd be a little creeped out, but it didn't really bother me. Then after about 3 seconds he says "I was trying to creep you out" which was when I said "that doesn't bother me unless you make it gay". Then he pulled away and was like "well it bothers me". I also let him sleep in my bed and I slept on the floor, something I've never done for anyone else. Later on in the night he accidentally put his foot on mine. I waited about 10 seconds for him to move it, but he never did so I said "having fun with your foot?" at which point he jerked his foot away and started apologizing. There were also a few times when he was less than 6 inches from my face and it didn’t bother me. He almost brushed against my crotch once too when he was trying to help me get his headset to work (I was kind of hoping it would happen by accident just so I could tease him about it since I knew he’d freak out :P). Most of those things that people would find really gay just don’t bother me around him. I don’t feel anything sexual when they happen, so I don’t see why it’s a problem. MAYBE if he was gay, it would bother me.

He's never admitted it, but I think he feels the same way about me to an extent. We ended up talking for an hour and a half before we finally went to sleep. He brought up the topic of having sex, and by the end of it described most of his sexual encounters in vivid detail (most guys I know brag from time to time, but they're incredibly vague). Then at the end of it he was like "Why did we even talk about that? That was weird". Before he left, I almost told him I loved him, but I thought that might be going too far (at least for now. It wasn’t a good time then either). He’s never said anything mushy back to me, but then again he probably doesn’t know how. It took me 3 weeks to figure out how to tell him, after all.

I’ve never had a close friend before him. Even the people I called best friends were disposable in my eyes. It seems like we randomly break the macho stereotypes at times and then at other times panic if they're not upheld. Are close guy friendships normally this confusing?

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78% Normal
Based on 157 votes (122 yes)
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Comments ( 20 )
  • walsall_wally
    12 years ago

    I'm male and have an extremely close male friend around whom we are both very comfortable. He has shared with me that he's not gay, and never had any gay feelings; I am currently separating from my wife of 7 years and yes, I do have gay feelings. I have shared with him that I do like him and may well be falling for him, and yet despite his lack of gay feelings, he is still as close, if not closer to me. We sit down together, hugging, sometimes even holding each other. Leaning on the others' shoulder is the norm. We even lay down together and hold each other, sometimes holding hands. We can talk about and do talk about anything and everything. He insists that he's not gay - I have questioned him about this, and he realises that all that he does with me is definitely not the 'norm', whatever that is. We are both very comfortable in each others' presence - it's almost as if our personal spaces when with each other doesn't exist - he and I are about as close as can be without it being sexual, and yes, we both absolutely love it. I'm glad that you have close friendship with your friend - let it flourish and enjoy it :)

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  • asdf90091
    13 years ago

    I went through cycles like that before too. I'm sure you'll make some soon, just be yourself around people.

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  • inthashad0ws
    13 years ago

    People who are straight dont typically display so much homophobia, as it doesn't really weigh on their mind. In my experience, the most homophobic people are indeed gay themselves, they use constant joking and act appalled and disgusted way more than anyone else, because they are trying to hide behind it.

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    • Thewomanizer
      11 years ago

      so true

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    • asdf90091
      13 years ago

      For as long as I've known him he's always been homophobic, but he makes a LOT more gay jokes then he used to. He was raised to believe there's something wrong with gays, so he's probably afraid of being something he was raised to hate.

      He's been with a lot of girls and had fun with them from what I can tell, but he's never had any relationships. They were all spur of the moment sexual encounters, and he's even told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

      Before writing this, I never thought he might actually be gay/bi (he's one of the last people on earth you would suspect). I'm still not sure what I can do to help him, but thanks for the insightful comments.

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  • asdf90091
    13 years ago

    Crap, I forgot to post this in the story. I made up a story about a friend of mine coming out to him and asked him for advice. He said he didn't know what I should do, so I asked him what he would do if one of his friends was gay. His answer was "I don't know what I would do" followed by an awkard silence (I tried to break it by saying "that's not very helpful" in a joking manner, but it didn't work). Should I just be supportive and give him time?

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  • moomus
    13 years ago

    I think he's hiding behind homophobia...... It's all an act if you ask me..

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    • asdf90091
      13 years ago

      You're probably right. That or he's not comfortable with his sexuality like most people. Him and I were both raised to believe there's something wrong with gay people along with the stereotype that guys can't be close or else it's "homo".

      I had to get over that when I realized how I felt about him. At the very least, I can tell he's conflicted over it. I know how much it sucked to overcome that on my own; I wish I knew how to help him get over it... :(

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  • Diver2
    8 years ago

    You should definitely suck his cock and then see what you think of each other. You can suck me off too if you like me.

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  • imadragon
    10 years ago

    Homophobes are mostly repressed homosexuals. Anyone else thinking about brokeback mountain? Don't be a homophobe.

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  • erwcat
    12 years ago

    u are so lucky

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  • dbwm
    13 years ago

    I'd say he's gay, and you posted this thread before

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    what a goodfriendship you have

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  • mals2
    13 years ago

    i have a same situation, i think its about being fine with your sexually. Sometimes it gets weird but in some sense it is a little weird when our friends tell us what we do together is weird.

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  • chezycheze
    13 years ago

    I feel like I have experienced some of what you felt before. I mean, people sometimes find really good friends of the same sex and become really comfortable or uncomfortable discussing or doing certain things with each other like you described. So I think your situation is normal.

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    I have to say, I think he probably does have some form of attraction to guys and these are his attempts to test the water and at the same time, see what your reaction is.

    It might be that he has feelings for you or it might just be that he would be afraid to tell you that he may be bi or gay, given that you were raised (completely erroneously imho) to believe guys cannot be close or that being gay is wrong.

    But, you have your own mind with these matters and you can choose for yourself what to believe. On my part, a relative of mine is gay and I have quite a few gays friends and they are the most normal people I know, not to mention sweet and caring.

    I would wait to see what happens next, if he raises the topic again or does something else like resting his head on your shoulder. Just be there for him and try to think of a way (you MUST be subtle about this) to let him know you would accept him no matter what or that you'll always be his friend.

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    • asdf90091
      13 years ago

      Without getting into too much detail, I was raised to be a Bible thumper. Homosexuals are supposed to be abominations to me, but I really don't mind them. I have an aunt who's a lesbian and I love her the same way I did before she came out. I'd accept him even if he was gay, I only carry the homophobia because most of my friends aren't comfortable with their sexuality, so it'd be awkard if they made gay jokes and I didn't pretend to be bothered by it.

      Prior to him, none of my guy frienships have been close. I did care about them a little bit, but never said anything about it and neither did they. And we always had to uphold the macho stereotypes; no saying anything mushy, no saying you cared, any physical contact was "homo", etc. I really just don't feel the need to uphold those things around him, I can be completely myself and not worry about stuff being "homo".

      An hour or two after he did the shoulder thing, I did it back to him as a joke and told him his shoulder made a nice pillow. His response was "get off" and I could feel his shoulder tense up so I moved before he felt the need to pull away. I also left out a few of the other gay jokes he made, but they didn't seem all that important. I'm sure he made at least 5 incredibly obvious ones.

      He did do something else kind of weird. He drinks after me all the time and I do the same to him without thinking about it. After the whole brother comment was made, he wouldn't drink after me for the rest of the night. When I offered him my drink he was like paranoid of it all of a sudden.

      I'm sure he'll make a gay joke again eventually since he does it pretty much all the time, so I'll find a way to make a comment about not caring if he's gay or not after that (I'll probably joke back with him about it, then be like "I wouldn't care if you were gay anyways" casually).

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  • Ldizzy1234
    13 years ago

    Hmm... it sounds like he might be sexually confused, or he just doesn't know how to react because you might have brought this up to him a little sudden, and unexpectedly.

    Maybe you should see(Let it. Don't speak of it.) if all this blows over, and see if he initiates the topic again. If he has something to tell you. He'll probably say it when he feels more comfortable. If he doesn't say anything, but the awkwardness is still there, then maybe it's more then you realize.

    He might be struggling with the thought of you bringing this up. He might think that you're trying to say that your gay. Or he's just hiding that he is.

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    • asdf90091
      13 years ago

      Well, I did kinda drop the bomb kinda suddenly. He wanted to use the crappy monitor instead of the TV, and I told him to stop bitching and use my TV. He said I was too giving, so I told him the truth: he's the only one I'm that way with, and he's more like an older brother to me than a friend, and I said it casually. Then he didn't say anything for a little while. I would've told him before that but it would've been really awkard had I not lead into it like that.

      At one point, he did ask me if I was gay. I kinda wanted to say that I was as a joke, but I could tell by the way he asked me he was afraid I was going to say yes so I told him I was straight without the joking around.

      I did bring up the topic of most guys making gay jokes, but being really homophobic. He just said "yeah" and focused on the game he was playing so I didn't press the issue. He knows I trust him and I'm pretty sure he knows he can trust me, so he'll bring it up if/when he's ready.

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  • 8Serene8
    13 years ago

    Yeah straight guys don't feel this comfortable around other men.

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