Is it normal for my brother to act like this? will he ever get better?

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7 Comments

My older brother's (24) behavior and lifestyle has been worrying me for quite a while. We used to be pretty close but over the past couple of years I've sort of kept my distance because it's uncomfortable for me to see him in this way. It's like he's perpetually frozen in one state and will never grow.

I don't know the story 100% because he is my older brother by several years but he clearly has some sort of learning disability that prevented him from going to college or pursuing any kind of high skilled work. He's really shy, but if you just talked to him as a friend, you probably wouldn't notice anything wrong with him. Still, I can tell at times that he is really angry and depressed. He also has some unusual/obsessive habits (we know he has OCD) and he is excellent at retaining all sorts of information but he can barely take care of himself (refuses to use the stove or learn to cook, hardly ever washes his clothes or sheets).

He's been drifting between jobs for a while and now I hear he simply has been leaving in the mornings but never actually showing up for work. It's gotten to the point that he had to leave the apartment that he and my other brother (28) are sharing and move back in with my dad. He sort of understands that he needs a job, yet he needs to have everything set up for him and even then he won't even follow through.

He's not the only one with problems in my family, but he's the one I am honestly most afraid for. He doesn't have any friends, he doesn't really even visit my mom since it deviates from his routine. At least my other two brothers have friends or family to confide in. I'm worried that he will be unhappy forever or that he might kill himself someday. I just don't know because he doesn't tell anyone anything. If you ask him how he's feeling, what's wrong, etc. he just says "I don't know". He's even gone to life coaches and therapists and he absolutely will not open up to anyone. It's like he doesn't even know what's wrong with himself. It's just really painful to be close to him when he doesn't seem to want to improve his own life or do anything that could give him a chance to be happy.

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25% Normal
Based on 20 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    I think its very possible he has Asperger's. I'm aspie and I related to pretty much all of these problems.

    Unfortunately there is not much services available for us and many end up homeless, jail or dead. The bright side is some of the smartest people are aspies as well.

    Personally when I get motivated I have trouble figuring out what to do. I wouldn't recognize most the odd stuff I did if people didn't point it out, but I tried listening to people or I would have done much worse.
    I don't often believe what I am told but certain things become obvious when I recognized that I couldn't accomplish anything while other people my age were more successful. I wish I could tell you how to figure things out but I still don't know.

    I cannot diagnose him for certain, but everything you mentioned sounds like aspergers. The only symptoms I can think of you didn't mention are sensory problems and poor coordination.

    While a few of us become successful, most do not do well in life, so if you care about him, listen to him and help him figure out the simple things. Sometimes it takes a long time to explain something and sometimes the easiest things for others are the hardest even if someone knows rocket science. It's like everything is backwards for us.

    He will need to be willing to work on himself too or it will be impossible but understand it wont be easy. This isn't something that goes away at all, but coping methods and certain social skills can be taught with time.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      9 years ago

      We've considered the possibility that he has asperger's; I forgot to mention that my other brother that he roomed with is autistic. C (I'm just gonna call my 24 yo brother that to avoid confusion) tends to work very. slowly. which is why he was fired from some previous jobs. Maybe he'll never "catch up" to other guys his age but I just hope that he can find a lasting happiness. It's also hard to find good support services for their disabilities.

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      • [Old Memory]
        9 years ago

        Also if your other brother is autistic that makes it even more likely. Autism is highly genetic. I have several family members with aspergers and autistic traits.

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        • John4555t
          9 years ago

          He is who he is. You may think that he doesn't want or need to be sociable or to have friends, and he may truly think and feel that way himself. But the fact is that social interaction is the best therapy for the brain and if people are isolated for too long, it does lasting damage.

          You are not your brother's keeper. But a social support group of some kind might help if he could be gotten into the habit of attending.

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      • [Old Memory]
        9 years ago

        It's hard to find support, at least where I live.
        One of the best things to do to help is help him if he asks for something really simple.
        I find when I have a hard time with something really simple, nobody understands why I can't figure it out and refuses to show me because "I should be able to do it." Some things that literally took me hours to learn is burning cd's, using the tv remote, understanding automated phones, and other things really simple to most people. Everything is incredibly time consuming for me and I often forget how I did it last and need to constantly relearn things.
        Don't help him with everything though. He will likely be able to figure out most things on his own and thinking he is incompetent at everything wont help.
        It's usually the littlest things that most people wouldn't even think somebody needs help with and requires no effort on their part that can help the most.

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  • handsignals
    9 years ago

    Not normal, he is suffering from depression, if he can find a Doctor that can help him and if his family are supportive he will get better. He really needs to get better before attempting work otherwise he will continue to struggle.

    Thanks for your story OP.

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  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    Mentalli ill or not, it does not give him the right to be lazy and to not have a job and take care of himself. He's a 24 year old male, and if he ever meets a girl and it gets serious enough that they have a family together one day, he will need to support them, and he can't do that without a job. I'm not sure how to help him, but someone needs to and fast. My uncle is in his early 40's , has suffered from schizophrenia since age 14, and he is an absolute couch potato and a burden to society. He lives with my grandmother and does absolutely nothing. No dishes, no cooking, no laundry, no job. He lives off my gran and other uncle and receives money from the state, so he lives off of hard workers' tax money. People like him disgust me, as they do most people, and trust me, you don't want your brother to become that guy that everyone hates and avoids because he's such a burden to everyone. Please, let a trained psychiatrist evaluate him for mental illness, and before its too late, force him to work! Mental ilness is not an excuse for a grown ass man not to work. I hope you find your brother the help he needs.

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