Is it normal for me to love my crazy ex? (very long read)

i'll give you the run down. it started off sweet until i began to cheat on him. why did i do it? clearly because i didn't love myself enough... anyways we've been dealing with each other off and on for 6 years, and..it's been crazy! he gets mad over the littlest things and somehow i feel like he's the perfect partner, he's really smart, real attractive...but his temper! oh my god.... and his jealousy... it's a little hard being positive around him, ugh, well, i've tried moving on before and i've been seduced and then ended up going between the two trying to keep both i knew it'll never workout and i was going to tell my current until my ex reached out to him, anyways, i mean its been on and off because..well, idk i think he fucks other females during our breaks i mean we haven't dated in a while, but every time we get into an argument it gets really bad, we say hateful things to each other and i don't even mean them.... most of the time i only say hateful things because he doesn't seem to care about what he says to me. BUT! ugh it's so weird, it's like we haven't dated in like 2 years & during those 2 years ive been having sex with other people and he's constantly coming into my life and going that...it's like ugh he just expects me to not have sex with other people and i know he is too! because he'll say it..our arguments are usually about how we cant make it work because well, i'm a whore but in reality.... he never makes an effort to change, ever. its so weird..he's always the one coming to me though, and the first to cut me out of his life..always the first. it's gotten to the point where, he's being violent, like he's so disrespectful he'll throw things at me, put his fingers in my face, drag me, squish my hands real tight, grab my upper arms and mush them... sometimes i just let him do it because i feel like i deserve it..but yeah.....the cycle is, we'll have sex and everything will be fine then he'll get mad about something, and blow up then block me, then a about a week or so he'll contact me and its the same thing..this time though he took it real far, this time he talked about our future, he told me how he's dying to love (so dramatic) and that he wants a family and how is it that we're supposed to be a family if i'm a whore and he was saying that if we have a child the child wont be his like some weird shit i had the opportunity to hop out of the car because if thats really how he felt why was i there with him? anyways i ignored my head and stayed the night and ugh he wanted to date me, then suddenly recalled how i'm a whore and it was like a joke.. so he stopped contacting me. NOW i'm dealing with a new guy who i can be myself around, someone who isn't as negative as my ex someone who makes me smile just a real good person to be around, he makes me happy, and i tried dodging my ex and i failed. i failed so bad...we went to the park to talk..and that turned violent when he started asking me if i sucked his cock yet, he threw his phone at me and cracked it on the ground it was crazy, ugh why?????????????????? and plus me and the other guy arent dating.. but i feel really bad...after his violent outbursts we ended up hugging(my ex and i) for a really long time and i started crying because i felt bad for cheating on him and ruining my ex's life and i felt bad for him. for us,..after that we fucked in nature. and he told me that he'd never see me again... the guy that i'm talking to now..we are not dating, but i feel so fucking horrible to the point where i was going to tell him what i did but i'm not going to do that...