Is it normal for me to assume my husband is a closet homosexual?

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Ok here it goes...my husband had revealed to me a little over a month ago that he had attempted to take his life and in the confession he also stated he thinks he may be gay (his words). He told me that 3 years ago he had an encounter with a man he found on craigslist. I asked him how long has he had the desire to be with a man and he said ever since he was in highschool. All I could do was hold him as he broke in tears during his confession.

We are both currently in separate therapy sessions and will follow with marriage counseling soon. He says he wants to work out our marriage but if he confessed to me he thinks he may be homosexual, I am unsure how it will work. He NOW says that he isn't homosexual and just said that because that was the thing that came to his head. I am a bit hesitant to believe him...I did do some research online on closet homosexuals and a lot of the signs mentioned are similar to my husband's actions ie. emotional distance with friends, family, children, sudden empathy in gay and lebian struggles, homophobia, sexual encounter with a man, excessive alcohol use, etc. He also just recently asked me to wear a strap on so I can give him anal sex. All these things lead me to believe he may be a closet homosexual but he continues to deny it. I don't want to assume anything but what you think if your husband confessed things to you such as this...

I know my husband loves me and our children but I don't want him to live a lie just to keep us in his life. I have had deep conversations with him about my suspicions and that I support him if he is a homosexual but that he needs to come clean with it all. He insists its not the case...is it normal to say and do the things he does and not be homosexual? I am so lost and confused so I am seeking any advice or suggestions. Thank you for your time...

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Comments ( 52 )

mixedjewel

11 years ago

Thank you for your insight. I love my husband so much and all of this kinda caught me off guard. He is very insistant that we stay together as a family and work through this. I feel he may be fighting his true identity and feelings because he doesn't want to believe them to be true. I just wish he could be honest with himself especially since he has a wife who supports him in doing so. It breaks my heart to go along with something I feel he doesn't want but wholeheartedly tells me so. I have mixed feelings and signals from my husband. We have always had a very active sex life so there was never any suspicion there...I know I can't force my husband to get help with finding himself, I've tried. The social worker he is seeing isn't really helping him...I feel he needs to see a psychiatrist/psychologist so they can help him and explain to him why he is having these thoughts and feelings but he is hesitant to see one. He was recently admitted into alcohol rehab...this is a start because it will help him to think clearly and face his fears. This is so hard for me...I do want him to be happy even if that means not being with me but it will tear me to pieces because when I married this man I hoped to spend the remainder of my living breath with him...

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- Puffin4+10yrs
  
  11 years ago
  
  Hi mixedjewel, i think i understand your husband.. my wife and i have been together for 20 years, omg on the 22nd of this month to b exact (notes reminder) I'm 38, we have 2 kids who are both in their early teens. It's awesome! 1st time in year's, my wife & i are free to party like we did before the kids came alone. We found ourselves getting high & having hot,, loud & long love making sessions, trying new kinky things, toys & dildos :))) long story cut short, my wife's always had a fetish for my butt. Honestly, i loved it wen she'd move her fingers round, touching and rubbing, sometimes bitting my bum cheeks :))) but i didn't want her to think i was gay, so I'd pretend i hated it. 1 night after drinking, smoking & popping my 1st extacy pill wit a few old mates, i returned home horny as ever, woke wife and began playing in bed. That night opened new doors for our hot and already exciting sexlife!! I love anal pleasure, i have my own vibraters now :)) I have also asked her to buy a strappon to use on me, our problem is, neither of us want to go to the counter to purchase it lol. We have spoken about hiring male/female escorts to please us both discreetly of cause.. even wanna try swingers/orgies once we build up a little carage lol. Anywsyz, Gettin high, poppin pills, alcohol, it all made me feel soooo dirty, horny and i done shit I wouldn't normally do.. DOES MY ACTIONS THAT NIGHT MAKE ME GAY??? for awhile after that night i thought I was gay, but my beautiful loving sexy wife reasurd me that if anything, we're curious and only catching up on all the exploring we had put on hold once the children entered ourselves!
  Please, if your husband loves u enough to tell you his deep dark feelings and still choses to stay with you his life long lover and the kids, its his life and he sounds like a good man because his family means more to him that sex!!!
  Do you love him?
  Go to sexyland, buy the massive 10inch strappon and surprise him lol.
  If his drinking and or using drugs, he isn't in his right state of mind wen he says he gay..
  I love anal pleasure wit my wife! deep down i think everybody love a little butt action..
  Sorry about my short story! Just wanted to explain that maybe your husband and i ain't gay, we guys sum times need to vent our secrets/fantasies to the only ones we love and trust, our best friend, our soulmates, our wife's..
  I love my wife soooooo much!!
  Hope i haven't confused you even more, people r quick to judge! Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's gay.. support him if he wants to continue being your husband! Watta u got to lose aye..
  I hope it works out, wishing you and your family the best!! Good luck. Ciao. p.s. look us up if you guys start exploring group sex lmao ;)
  
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  - mixedjewel
    
    11 years ago
    
    Hello Puffin4+10yrs,
    Thank you for your personal story...I do appreciate your candor :)
    
    I think what people have lost sight of is my INITIAL concerns as to why I think my husband may be a closet homosexual. NO, I do not believe a man is gay because he enjoys anal stimulation...JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR :). The strap on was FIRST mentioned to me by my husband JUST OVER A WEEK AGO, so it's killing me that people are making the STRAP ON the main issue and its not. His attempt on his life, expressing to me he may be gay and the other signs he exhibits that are typical of a closet homosexual are the things that lead me to believe so...I did mention the strap on but when I wrote my INITIAL statement it was the exact and ONLY day my husband ever mentioned the strap on. The timing just isn't right for ME...but WHO CARES about me and my feelings? Apparently NO ONE! They keep saying if you love him do him in the ass with a strap on. I'll do him in the ass with a strap on but NOT to prove my love to him and I will do it when I am ready! Ugh..there...I vented it out, sorry it had to be attached to your colorful and energetic post :) But this goes to every person who thinks the strap on is the issue cuz it's not. I truly enjoyed reading your post and I am honored you shared your story. It is great to hear couples finding themselves again :). Kind Regards and maybe one day I may be as freaky as you and your wife :) you go with your bad self! Lol!
    
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    - ccjigsaw
      
      11 years ago
      
      I commented as well, I just wanted to clarify, I don't think you think he's gay because of the strap-on thing. I think HE thinks he's gay because of it. He's questioning his own sexuality because of these desires. You don't have to, and if you do decide to, take your time :) I recommended you try out the strap-on things for him cause it might help him come to terms with himself. Like I said, you don't have to. Like any fantasy, it's up for question. I just think indulging in these things and showing him it's not weird might help him figure himself out. Weather it be he's gay/Bi-sexual. Or that he's actually just confused
      
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      - mixedjewel
        
        11 years ago
        
        Thank you for clarifying that I don't think he's gay because of the strap on...I do however believe he may think he is gay because he desires that anal stimulation. He has expressed to me that he does NOT want to be in a relationship with a man...
        Everyone just got so transfixed on the strap on and kept saying, if you really love him like you say you do, you will do it! I think sticking around after all the hurt he has done to me and still wanting to help him and make sense of it all shows how much I love my husband. Thanks again for NOT making the strap on the sole focus as to why I think he may be a closet homosexual...because it was the other signs/actions he exhibited that lead me to believe so....
        
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    - Puffin4+10yrs
      
      11 years ago
      
      Hey, your rite! I didn't think how this would be affecting you.. I'm sorry :( only tryin to help. I'm glad u got a lough outta my story :) how about the kids, are they suss bout wats goin on?
      
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      - mixedjewel
        
        11 years ago
        
        No worries...it seems most forget about what the other half goes through :). I do appreciate your help and insight ...not to mention hearing about your exciting new lifestyle :). We do love each other but must gain an understanding of one another and what each wants. The kids know mommy and daddy are having issues mainly because my dumb ass broke down in tears in front of them, but we have tried to keep things as normal as possible and keep or discussions/arguments behind closed doors. Thanks for asking ...people forget about them too,lol. They are young 10, 5 and 3. I am really happy for you and your wife , you two sound very happy and secure in your relationship :)
        
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- NothingxCrazy
  
  11 years ago
  
  I agree with Devyn, he quite possibly could be bisexual. Maybe using a strap on is a way to get both the female and the male aspect of the relationship. He could just be curious as to how it feels. Though, I don't think a man liking anal stimulation makes him gay.
  
  I would trust him to know what he wants. You can only push someone so much. Until he comes to terms with it, there isn't much you can do. Just continue to be the great wife you are. Support him in whatever decision he settles on and don't let your emotions get in the way of what is right for the both of you.
  
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  - mixedjewel
    
    11 years ago
    
    I can totally see your insight on my ordeal and can definitely agree with some of the possibilities...I do want to be the supportive wife but not sure how long I can wait to find out what he really wants. I guess my fear is staying in the relationship and then another 10 years down the road he decides he wants out ....ugh, it's so hard being the understanding one and the patient one when your the one who's been betrayed and lied to. Do you think I am any different than the woman who stay with men who abuse them? I guess I'm just wondering where is the support for me in all this...I do appreciate all and any advice you can give...this blog is somewhat of a healing process for me...I don't just want to sweep this under the rug but have an understanding as to what may be going on...many thanks
    
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    - NothingxCrazy
      
      11 years ago
      
      Well, I can understand your point of view as well.. maybe if it's causing you so much stress you two should take a break so he can get his priorities set. Maybe then he'll finally be pushed to make a real decision as to who he is. I do think it must be hard for you to stick around but I couldn't compare you to one of those women who stay in an abusive relationship since I don't know a lot of it. You're definitely dedicated to your husband, but maybe this is where you need to let him go off and figure himself out. A separation could benefit you both, I'm sure. You can be there for him all you want, but make sure you take care of yourself too. Do things for yourself without worrying about his problems. We've all got enough weight to carry.
      
      I'm glad you found IIN. I hope you stick around even after this post.
      
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      - mixedjewel
        
        11 years ago
        
        Thank you very much for your kind words, encouragement and advice. I appreciate your non judgement on both my husband and I ...just like Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates ...you never know what your gonna get" :). This definitely was something I never expected. It's nice to know there are people out there willing to listen and help out a stranger hurting. Many thanks again :)
        
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        NothingxCrazy
        
        11 years ago
        
        You're very welcome! Most people on this site are more than willing to help. Don't be afraid to join the community. :)
        
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disfunkshinal

11 years ago

I can see why you have your suspicions and it's very possible your husband is gay. Actually, probable. He wants to be free, but doesn't want to destroy a family in the process. He wants to keep you as his friend and in a way, he does love you. He loves his kids most of all and can't bare their disapproval.

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Devyn

11 years ago

Firstly if he loves you in a romantic and sexual way then he is not homosexual (homosexuality is being exclusively attracted to your own gender). However he may be bisexual (attracted to both genders), which is certainly not a problem for your relationship as many bisexuals are in perfectly functioning heterosexual relationships.

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mixedjewel

11 years ago

Hello, thank you for your insight and it humbles me that you took the time to sign up so you could reply to this post.

I love my husband ...that is no question...he has had an affair twice during our marriage (first time woman, second man). He seems to have a problem with commitment. Request of using the strap on was just mentioned 2 days ago so this is the first to ever consider it. If my husband had not betrayed me a second time and lied to me for years, I would not look so deep into what his reasons are for wanting one. Because he has not been honest with himself or me...I am hesitant because I feel it may encourage him to seek the real deal. Yes, it would probably satisfy the anal stimulation he desires and deter him from seeking elsewhere and that alone would not have been a problem for me to do that for him...maybe it's the timing of it all. You say if I truly love him that why don't I try it out...i think by staying by his side after all of his lies and deceit to help him find himself, etc proves enough of my love for him and putting on a strap on is far from justifying my love for him. Everyone talks about supporting him and being there for him...well what about the unsuspecting devoted wife who has been betrayed and continues to stay to try and understand and help her husband? Can anyone ask my husband if he loves me so much why does he continue to betray me and lie to me and himself? Why am I the bad guy for asking questions and wanting answers? I devoted 11 years of my life to him and gave him 3 healthy boys...is it too much to ask for a little honesty and answers to his actions? I think I deserve atleast that. Sorry if I sound bitchy, but when you made the comment, "if you care about him as much as you say you do"...I think that can go both ways. I haven't ruled out the strap on, I just think the timing isn't right for me...

I hope you don't take offense to my response...I do appreciate your message and don't want you to think none of it was taken into consideration. Kind regards

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Naena

11 years ago

From what you said MY PERSONAL opinion is he is probably gay. Maybe bisexual like some people said but usually bisexual people have a tendency to like one sex more than the other, and in his case sounds like its men. My judgement comes from the severity of him trying to take his own life and coming out to you in a moment of desperation. I am sure he loves you, and thus his attempt to take it back once he calmed down.

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Ellenna

9 years ago

Without reading all the posts in detail, I haven't seen any reference at all to the fact that the writer's husband is in recovery from alcohol addiction.

How long he's been addicted and how long he's been "clean & sober" is VERY relevant, in my experience of addicts. Coming off a drug as powerful as alcohol can shake a person's life to the foundations, which is one reason why A
A and similar groups and most addiction counsellors will strongly recommend against forming new relationships and/or making major life changes in early recovery.

Just my thoughts, but I hope helpful. She's in a shit of a situation and I find all these suggestions to do x y or z "if she really loves him" very offensive: she obviously really does love her husband but does that mean she has to put up with everything he does when it's hurting her so much?

She comes across to me as loving and intelligent and supportive, but she needs to be looking after herself too, not just him.

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BiChristianMan

10 years ago

He needs to know how much it hurts you and your family and the life the two of you have built together. He needs to know this so that when the thoughts come back to stray, he'll remember what matters most to him-- which is you. He needs to know that you will always love him and that you will stand by him through this. He's not gay, he's not in denial. This is not a simple black and white issue. Communication is the key.

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BiChristianMan

10 years ago

I also signed up just to reply to this situation.

I was raised in an ultra religious family with a dad who showed more affection to my brothers, and not me. Large family, turns out that my dad wasn't my real dad. I didn't know until I was 18. What they didn't know is that I was sexually abused as a kid repetitively from age 4 - 8. I had my first sexual dream when I was in 2nd grade. All of this, with an ultra religious up bringing. Lots of confusion, lots of loneliness. I joined the military, have two combat tours and though I've had several relationships with women, I've had MANY NSA oral sessions with men. I cheated on every woman I loved, but never told them. Now I'm 30 something, and I'm lonely. If I had a woman to love, I'd like to think I wouldn't cheat on her now that I know that the momentary lust for the acceptance of men through sex can't compare to true love.

He's told you what's going on. He hurt you, but that wasn't his intent. I believe he loves you, which is why he wants to keep you. Guys like us WILL NEVER BE HAPPY BEING GAY AND WILL NEVER "EMBRACE" HOMOSEXUALITY AS GOOD. He has found his identity as man with you as his wife. If you can, stick by him through this. He wants to be with you, try to make it work. Get accountability partners, a counselor, and make sure he KNOWS that he can always tell you what's going on, without fear. He will probably do it again, but you and him can get through this together, if you want to get through this together and if you follow my advice. He will stop, but the oral sex with a man is not him cheating on you in the regular sense. This is a deep-rooted issue and if the two of you love each other, you will encourage him to be honest with you, he will continue to be honest with you, and you will accept him and love him through this incredibly lonely and painful predicament.

I understand your pain, but I feel his pain too. Please, if you can, stand by him through this. My gut feeling tells me that he really does love you.

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MalTownsend

11 years ago

My wife loves playing with my ass.
Funny thing tho, I whatever she uses on my ass can't be too close to a cock. Strap ons are a no no because she thinks it is too close to a man fucking me.
Before we got married we both knew each other had bisexual experiences and we accepted it. But as time went by she turned totally against bisexuality. I put it down to a certain amount of insecurity, although it is obviously more complex than just that.
I look on the bright side, at least she enjoys pleasuring my ass.
Btw, she loves anal herself. And she call my ass my pussy. Funny hey how the mind reconciles thoughts

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Funkywabit

11 years ago

As a gay man, let me tell you that if your husband had sex with another man... He is GAY. Now let me be upfront and say the I don't buy into the whole bisexual thing for men..If a man can get a hard-on with another man without drugs involved he is GAY... I have seen this scene play out more times then i want to admit..its always the wife who gets hurt the most...You deserve someone that's wants to be with you..not thinking about somebody else when they are with you.. Take my advice, cut your losses and start the healing process so you can get out there and find the right man for you

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Hello Funkywabit,
  Thank you for your post and it is great to hear from a gay person's point of view. My husband said that all they did was give each other oral sex and then jerked each other off and that it was the first and ONLY encounter with a man. I told him what u had said about a man getting an erection with a man without drugs involved and he disagreed...he said it was the action of it that got him hard and had him ejaculate. I asked then why go to a man if I or any other woman could do the same thing and he said it was because it was something different and he was always curious as to what it would be like. I do agree with you to a point but I also believe if a man is GAY he would not be able to perform romantic/aggressive sex (how I like it) with a woman EVERYDAY like he has with me in the 11years together. Before my husband and I dated he has used the services of female escorts and then had an affair with a woman in our first year of marriage. This is his second marriage to a woman. There is something definitely going on with my husband that he is not telling me...his actions are sexually destructive and hurtful and he really is a good guy (other than his infidelities). He reached out to me and I will be by his side while we figure out what is the root of the cause of his sexual destructive behavior. Btw, I brought up the strap on again and offered to shove my vibrator up his ass and he keeps declining...dunno if it's the lack of alcohol or what...I don't mind getting freaky with him...however I do have a problem with him seeking sex outside our marriage. He seems genuine in professing his love for me and making terrible mistakes in our marriage and even before our marriage. I dunno...I will see if in marriage counseling his true feelings will come out. I have to do all I can and find out the root of all his bizarre behaviors before I walk away...I know there is more to it, we just have to find out what it is. Im just not totally sure if he is Gay. Thanks again for your post.
  
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ccjigsaw

11 years ago

From reading that post, I would guess that he's just confuzed about some fantasies or desires he's been having, causing him to wonder if he's gay. Try looking up some posts on here. Guys on here jerk off to gay porn and want to give guys blow jobs, but feel they are straight at the same time. Maybe he's bi-sexual? I feel like you should indulge in his fantasies. The strap on thing. Slipping a finger in his ass during a BJ.. It may sound gross to you, but it sounds like he needs you right now.. he's sexually confused and he's coming to you to fullfill those needs, not a man. Maybe open your mind a little and experiment with him a bit?

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- Ellenna
  
  9 years ago
  
  Why should she "indulge in (sic) his fantasies" if she doesn't want to and is obviously not comfortable with it and it "may sound gross" to her? What about her needs?
  
  I hope she has support in the real world as well as the fragments she's getting on here, because I feel she's getting a lot of stereotyped "be a good wife and just accept everything" bullshit advice. If she was happy doing that would she be asking the question on here?
  
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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Btw...he did go to a man to fulfill those needs....that's the problem! If he would have come to me with his fantasies and desires , that shit would have ALL been done!!!the problem is he lied and betrayed me by seeking sex outside our marriage...that's what most people who comment on this post seem to FORGET! People think I don't support him???? Are u fucking kidding me?! I am still here trying to gain some understanding of his actions and behaviors but he is giving me nothing in return so I am left with seeking strangers for answers. I do him in the ass to help him figure out his sexuality if that's what it takes!
  
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  - ccjigsaw
    
    11 years ago
    
    Whhaatttt? So he cheated? I don't remember that being in the post... That makes me completely flip my opinion on this whole thing. May I ask how old your children are?
    
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    - mixedjewel
      
      11 years ago
      
      In the post I wrote that he confessed to seeking a man on Craigslist 3 years ago for a sexual encounter...we've been married 11 years (that was not mentioned). Our children are 10, 5 and 3.
      
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      - ccjigsaw
        
        11 years ago
        
        I read that, I assumed he seeked, but didn't find and came clean. Ohhh I sure wish your children weren't so young :( My opinion on this.. He's already broken your wedding vows. I hope that's not to hard for you to hear... That has to be so hard to deal with. If I were in this situation personally, I would likely do the one more chance thing. Warn him up and down that I can't take anymore (You may have done this, but I mean mean it this time), and if he can't change then.. divorce.. Divorce is really upsetting, but once he's broken his vows, you're well within your rights. Cheating is wrong, and it's hard to keep the trust after that, doesn't matter what gender he slept with..
        
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        mixedjewel
        
        11 years ago
        
        Well...in other posts I did mention this was his 2nd betrayal (wasn't mentioned in my initial posts). First time was with an ex-girlfriend of his....and yes ...I said exactly what you suggest I say. I do ask myself why am I still around after a second betrayal. I do feel he came to me because he wanted help and wants to change and I was not ready to walk out of a 11 year marriage, not to mention I love him deeply. But this is it! For me 3 strikes your out...my heart literally can't take anymore. Since he's been in alcohol rehab it seems he's able to think clearly and is more aware of the hurt he has caused me. Dunno, maybe things will change this time, but if it doesn't ...I'm done! I don't care how much I love him or how much is invested in our marriage. I love myself too and know I deserve love and happiness even if its not from the father of my children. It's not easy supporting and being there for someone who has hurt you but I have to know I have done all I could before walking away and calling it quits ...
        
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BellaHeaven

11 years ago

Perhaps you can try some anal stimulation with him. I know straight men who totally enjoy this. Is it the man he wants a relationship with or the sexual part he desires about it? It is possible for you to satisfy his need if it is just the sexual part. Infedelity is not "ok" so i wont make an excuse for his actions. Marriage has its ups and downs as I'm sure you know and it's all about what is worth the fight for you? Hope things work out.

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  You know...I think u may be the first and ONLY person who actually " frowned" upon my husbands infidelity! Well atleast didn't condone it...
  
  Whatever his confusion or desires may be DOES NOT justify his betrayal to me!!! It seems like most people are okay with betrayal and that I should just get over it and be there to support him because he needs me....he does need me and I AM HERE, but he has to do his part as well ! I'm tired of people making me out to be the bad guy when I have been faithful and honest our WHOLE marriage. And I am still here trying to make sense of it and help him....
  
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fullhouse

11 years ago

He might be bisexual or gay but why does that matter? Don't force him to come out if he dosen't want to. He dosen't want his current life to be affected and it's his choice alone. I think he is very lucky to have asupportive wife as you. If he insists on a strap-on then why not? If you're comfortable with it I say go for it.

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Well it does matter if he is bisexual or gay because he will eventually have the urge to seek out sexual satisfaction from a man outside our marriage like he has in the past. When your in a relationship regardless if your bi, gay or heterosexual , you are committed to the person your in a relationship with right? Why is it a bad thing to encourage someone to be HONEST with themselves and the so-called people they love. I will always love my husband and he will always have his children in his life ( I wouldn't think of taking them from him). I have always been honest and faithful to him our WHOLE marriage...why is it too much to ask the same? The strap on is the least of my concern and it was only brought up this week in our whole 11 years together...if he'd mention the strap on years ago we would have definitely incorporated it in our sex life. Thank you for your input, all and any are appreciated.
  
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runescaperules!!!

11 years ago

Ok one thing u could do is hire. Frend or sumtin a guy frend tthats either gay bi watever that's clean of course one hat he dosnt no and and ask yr frend to try to seduce him and wat not and then a few weeks later or sumtin ask ur frend what happend also this is a great way to c if he's loyal by if he tells u about it at all

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Ldizzy1234

11 years ago

Maybe he's just a very open guy, and curious to try new things. Maybe he'd like to be a swinger. But for now, just be supportive of him, and open to whatever he might tell you.

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quentari

11 years ago

He may have been mostly just curious, or maybe he assumed he's gay because he's attracted to guys but is not coming to terms with the fact that he still does love you, which I guess makes you his exception?

Maybe bring up the topic of bisexuality with him.

Oh and a guy wanting to use a strap-on does not make him gay in any way shape or form, it's no different to a woman receiving oral sex (because that doesn't make you a lesbian, now does it? lol)

And I've found self-diagnosing anything (even if it's as simple as "is my husband a homosexual") can often lead people to think they fit the criteria because they have some of the symptoms. Only your husband knows if he's gay or not, he just needs to come to terms with it

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Hello...yes, I did bring up the topic of bisexuality and I got different responses at different times. The first time he said he is attracted to both but prefers women...then weeks later he said that he doesn't believe he is bi or gay because he had the one encounter with a man. He says he was just curious and acted it out. I guess because his explanation changes each time that I am unsure if he even knows what he is or wants.
  
  As far as the strap on...I wouldn't have blinked an eye, but because of our current issues I am hesitant. I do want to please him but not if it will encourage him to eventually want the real deal. But I guess if he's gonna do it , using a strap on or not isn't going to stop him.
  
  I was trying to deter myself from self diagnosing my husband and the situation because I am aware that It can lead him to believe he may be gay but I guess I thought I was trying to encourage him to see what the possibilities may be that he is going through. It's hard to sit back when it's your future and marriage at stake and when you love someone so much...I just want to help and heal from all of this...thank you so much for your input
  
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BiChristianMan

10 years ago

If he's into oral sex with men, a strap on won't help, anal sex is not what it's about-- that would be "gay" and in our minds we're not gay and it's not because we're in denial. I bet he's dealing with deep rooted shame associated with his desires too. He needs to know that cheating on you is painful and will ultimately kill what the two of you have worked so hard to achieve. He needs to know that you accept him and love him despite his flaws and insecurities and that he and his own penis and love making satisfies you. If there is ever any kind of mechanical failure between the sheets, just re-affirm how much you love the man he is, for who he is.

Deep down inside, his manhood is wounded which is why, in this perverted sense, he seeks out the manhood of others. Is he involved in anything outside of work? Maybe suggest to him community softball and other team oriented activities with other men where the possibility of oral sex happening is very small (Men's Fellowship at a church or something).

I am not nearly the oral sex whore I used to be and these are the things that have helped me make progress to where I am today.

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- mixedjewel
  
  10 years ago
  
  Hello BiChristian,
  Thank you so much for your message. I am not sure if I will ever find out the reason for my husbands actions or the things he has said to me. We have had a few marriage counseling sessions and my husband would only express how much he didn't want to be there and that it made him angry. I later found out he stopped attending his private therapy sessions. The few sessions during our marriage he was asked why he wanted to stay in a relationship that he claims he was miserable in the WHOLE marriage and he stated that it was easier to stay than leave and that financially it would be in his favor to stay rather than divorce. His main complaint is that he says he does NOT know what happiness is and this is why he has had his infedelities and abuse alcohol, etc. I have REALLY tried to be that understanding wife but I think my fight for our marriage has fizzled. I do love my husband but his lack of drive to truly get the help he needs has worn me out. I hate to say, but I have fallen out of love with him and fell into the arms of another man (who i am no longer seeing). I don't want to give up on my husband or our marriage so we have agreed to a separation. Hopefully during this time apart he will be able to find out what truly makes him happy and if being a husband and father is part of it. I don't know what else to do and my heart has been ripped to pieces more than I care to count. Your right...communication is the KEY but I can't do it alone...I wish I could understand or know the pain he suffers...all I wanted to do was help him and be there for him but all he did was blame ME for EVERYTHING! Not once did he take responsibility for his actions or words...it was all my fault. I have been beat down since day one of his confession and am still by his side...this punching bag (figuratively speaking) just can't take anymore..
  
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frank28

11 years ago

Hi might be bi not 100% gay if so can u still be with him? It might be a great way to find another bi male to join u two in bed if u cant handle it then be honest but whatever it is talk to him and explain all ur feeling rather u leave or stay.

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squeallikeasacofpigs

11 years ago

This is some of the most fucked up shit I've ever read.

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Trust when I say I agree with you...unfortunately this is my life and I have to deal with it :(. I just wish things were different for me...as embarrassing and hurtful my ordeal is I have to find ways to gain understanding of it and this site is one tool I am using. So if I seemed "witty" with my reply its only because I didn't know how else to reply...nothing against you, I'm sure I'll get remarks about being stupid as to what is really going on or why am I hanging around for the enivitable but I do find comfort in those who give advice or an explanation as to my husbands behavior . Not sure why I gave a drawn out response...maybe it's part of my healing process as if you care :). I didn't mean to offend you with my drama, I hope we can remain friends ( a little humor, probably also part of the healing process) :)
  
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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  Thank you for your insight
  
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  - squeallikeasacofpigs
    
    11 years ago
    
    Thank you for your witty reply
    
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    - mixedjewel
      
      11 years ago
      
      :)
      
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davesumba

11 years ago

your husband is completely straight, at the worst, he likes to suck dick or take it in the ass, WHICH DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY OR BI BY ITSELF. but still, he may just be bi-idcwhatifuck

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- mixedjewel
  
  11 years ago
  
  What is bi-idcwhatifuck? Is this a term you've coined yourself?
  
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  - davesumba
    
    11 years ago
    
    Yes i have. It means that you are only attracted to one gender, and would only ever be in a relationship with that one, but you don't care what gender it is you fuck with.
    
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    - mixedjewel
      
      11 years ago
      
      Ah yes...that is a good one.
      
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      - Rokt
        
        11 years ago
        
        I signed up to this site specifically to reply to this post. I have a friend who's name will not be disclosed who went through this same ordeal. She went through countless therapy sessions and there was just no psychological answer. Neither is there an answer for being gay. It was resolved however. They have what is like to call a mutual relationship. The resolved their matter by SIMPLY adding a strapon into their sexlife. My girlfriend would wear a strapon and she would satisfy both hers and her husbands crave in the bedroom. Neither the therapist nor the husband offered such a solution but my girlfriend did as I suggested it to her to bring one home showing you want to be that "male" figure for your husband and supply an emulation if you will for the sake of your marriage and your love for him. So in other words if you cared about him as much as you say try to do something similar and try it out. It doesn't make him gay if all he craves is prostate stimulation which is 90% of the reason bisexuals are bisexuals.because stimulation of the prostate provides a heightened orgasm for the male which would possibly change his outlook on how you please him in the bed if he has never experienced prostate stimulation before.
        
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        mixedjewel
        
        11 years ago
        
        My response to your post went under Ldizzy for some reason instead of under your post...thank you for your time and response...all comments are taken in consideration :)
        
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal for me to assume my husband is a closet homosexual?