Is it normal for husband to feel neglected when wife is pregnant?

90% Normal

My wife is pregnant with our second child...
She has been wanting to have another for years and I guess I finally gave in. I understand that she is miserable and feels horrible all the time now that she is in the throws of her first trimester, but as a husband, I feel very neglected and unappreciated currently.
I have tried to be there for her, but nothing I do seems to encourage her, bolster her sad and frustrated demeanor. Being positive and upbeat seem to piss her off more than help her.
I have taken it upon myself to pack hers and our son's lunches every morning, prepare their breakfasts, clean up after and feed her cats, do about 75% of the laundry and dishes in the house, and make all the grocery runs now.
She used to complain that I would treat her more like a roommate than a wife sometimes (I am not a super-romantic guy) but currently I feel more like a butler than a husband. :(
I have also gone through a bout of probably walking pneumonia during the holiday season without telling her how bad I felt or let on, because I know she was suffering too...
I love my wife and would change anything for the world.
But I would love to know, do any other guys out there feel neglected or unappreciated during their wives' pregnancies?

Voting Results

90% Normal

Based on 40 votes (36 yes)

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Comments ( 14 )

howaminotmyself

9 years ago

Hang in there, I am sure your efforts haven't gone unnoticed. The first trimester can be brutal. The second will be nice, and the third will be a bitch. Remember to rub her feet and make her food. Don't ask if she wants something, just offer it to her. Congrats, by the way, it's understandable that you feel a bit neglected, but she needs you now to not join the pity party. She may even do some crazy things that she herself cant explain. Then feels guilty for being so weird and having no control. Ugh, and then comes infant care and the potential depression of new mommies. Even if you have done it before all those hormones bouncing around can make you crazy. A stable partner is very handy. So hang in there, this is only the beginning. And never ever ever tell her you feel neglected, you may literally lose a body part.

And when the buddies call to invite you out, think of her first. I can't tell you how many of my friends I hate right now because they keep pulling my husband out of the house without considering the fact that I am 9 months pregnant. He declines most of them but I'm not a bitch, he can go out, but some people are literally calling every fucking day trying to get him to go out drinking and then get pissed when he wont get drunk with them. And I look like I'm being unreasonable because I dont want a drunk husband just in case things happen quickly. Fuck them. Sorry, my issue. Again, congrats. And hang in there. You are entitled to feel neglected but maybe dont let her know that.

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- doctor_76
  
  9 years ago
  
  I don't drink or go out... If I am not at work, I am at home.
  I know and understand that she is going through a TON of stuff right now, but a simple "How are YOU doing?" would go SUCH a long way now! :P
  
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  - howaminotmyself
    
    9 years ago
    
    Like I said, hang in there. Some of that was my own issues, but you do have to be careful with how you approach the conversation. You're right, feeling like your feelings don't matter is a horrible feeling. Just remember that she is being used as a vessel for a life and will not have her own independence for many many years. And with hormones raging, it will be difficult to say the right words.
    
    You may want to seek out a fathers group to discuss your feelings.
    
    Have you gone to any appointments? I found that my midwives did a good job reminding me that dad was being very supportive.
    
    But it's only temporary. The second trimester will get better. I don't know exactly how ill your wife feels but things do get better. Just know that you are playing the role of support and while it is hard to not be acknowledged, know that what you are doing is very important.
    
    If you feel like it isn't getting better, maybe look into hiring a doula. A doula is specifically there to take care of pregnant mommas.
    
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reminiscent

9 years ago

Ummm... well every pregnancy is different...
im not sure why she cant do dishes or anything?

In the beginning of my pregnancy I was in the military at the time... I got sent off to AIT (advanced individual training). They give you a pregnancy test before you go and mine came back negative ... so I went not knowing I was actually pregnant.
I did all the required things... setups... pushups... combat training... Ran my 2 mile in 16 min.
When I got back and found out I was pregnant... I found a job and worked in a retirement home for the elderly.
I started to leek one day ... my water didnt fully break. And during work I told my manager I was leeking and needed to go home early... but I didnt want to leave people with too much work. So I went back in the kitchen and finishing washing all the dishes before I left.

Now I understand some woman cant handle that while pregnant... but I hardly think you need to be worked to the bone.
You should sit her down and ask her what she can do.
Dishes arnt that bad... maybe 5 nights she does the dishes and 2 nights you do the dishes.
if you do the laundry... she can fold it... all she needs to do is relax in front of the tv on a couch and fold clothing.
And maybe 2 mornings a week she can fix breakfast.

This way you are helping without overworking yourself as well.
To be a little more romantic you could pick her up her fav treat.... or give her a message.

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- doctor_76
  
  9 years ago
  
  Romance seems to be off the table at the moment...
  We work separate shifts, so we see each other in mornings and at work for an hour, and before she got pregnant again, at nights when I got off. But now, she is so tired that she is in bed. I miss the companionship... I know I don't have the right to complain, but I feel very lonely now-a-days.
  
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  - reminiscent
    
    9 years ago
    
    Ok thats understandable.
    
    Tell her you miss her and one night t his month or next month both if you call in sick to work... spend a relaxing day at home with each other.
    you can even make it a movie night... no one cooks dinner... you can go pick it up from whatever her fav place to eat is.
    
    Have flowers sent to her work one day... with a little card saying something romantic.
    
    If she is in bed but awake you can still offer a nice shoulder or foot message.
    
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    - doctor_76
      
      9 years ago
      
      I know it sounds so greedy of me and so selfish... But just once, I need her to pay attention to me. I know she is going through Hell, but like I said in the post below... A simple "how are YOU?" would work wonders for my mood.
      
      (but I can't TELL her that... lol) :P
      
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      - reminiscent
        
        9 years ago
        
        I dont see why not
        I would like to know if my significant other was feeling bad.
        
        Calling in sick from work is a day for both of you. So you can have some much needed time to one another.
        
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      - Ellenna
        
        9 years ago
        
        Why not? You need to speak up in a non accusing way, just use "I Statements" about how you're feeling, otherwise your resentment will understandably grow into something hard to heal and endanger your marriage.
        
        It's wonderful you're doing so much for her, I certainly didn't get that when I was pregnant, but it's OK for you to feel as if you need some nurturing too.
        
        Of course, this is the problem with a lot of couple relationships .... people expect to get all their needs met all the time by one other person and that's not possible. It doesn't sound as if you have supportive family or friends around but if you do, get some support from them, if they love you they'll be glad to look after you a bit now that it seeems your partner just can't do it right now.
        
        It sounds to me as if she's depressed ... if so, that shouldn't be allowed to go on or it could turn into post-natal depression. which is horrible for everyone as well as the sufferer.
        
        Take care of yourself as well as her!
        
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Spankz

9 years ago

Well, some women experience pregnancy differently I suppose. Some women become delicate little flowers as the morning sickness and extra weight consumes them. Hormones must be a killer too. I've never been pregnant, but I've often heard that your hormones are 100x worse than when you're on your period.

That being said, my mother worked until she was 8.5 months pregnant with me. That seems like an easy task, but at the time she was a helicopter mechanic. My father said it was easy when she was pregnant, because nothing changed. She was happy, fun and still pulled her weight around the house. So, I think women really experience pregnancy differently.

I would try and talk to her about your feelings if you haven't already. She might not even realize how inadequate she is making you feel. Be there for her, be her rock, because at the end of the day that's all she wants. She may have these crazy hormones flying within her, but to have someone sane in the household is probably helping her significantly. It's extremely admirable that you're doing so much for her, as I hear far too many stories of the husband just abandoning the wife and doing whatever the hell he wants. Hang in there buddy!

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Peanuts

7 years ago

Bless your heart x Men need more credit. Having been pregnant myself I want to punch the women that say men don't have it hard because they really do.
The ones that are loyal anyway.

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Nokiot9

8 years ago

I have news for u; it's about to get ALOT worse. You need to nip this in the bud before the baby is born, otherwise it's gonna get way out of hand and really frustrating.

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kayleeberry101

9 years ago

So basically, you don't love her.

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- doctor_76
  
  9 years ago
  
  Wow... I wondered how long before I got a stupid reply...
  
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Is it normal for husband to feel neglected when wife is pregnant?