Is it normal for her to never want kids?

76% Normal

So me and and my fiancé are in love. But the problem is every time I mention kids she starts turning away... She told me she might want kids later... But I feel she's just stalling. I know it's not so hard for men to have kids but I wanna support her every step of the way... We usually never have one communication issue at all but this seems to be a problem :( I never said I wanted kids now... I just wanna have one before I die. Just one.

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76% Normal

Based on 75 votes (57 yes)

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Comments ( 40 )

ProseAthlete

11 years ago | pl

It doesn't matter why she doesn't want to have a kid; why are you pressuring her so badly to tell you? I can think of a million reasons not to have kids, and a good 999,000 of them are entirely reasonable.

Maybe she wants to continue her education. Maybe she's worried about the physical toll it will take on her health. Maybe she wants to travel the world with you. Maybe she fears pain. Maybe she worries that something could go wrong with the pregnancy. Maybe she feels it's selfish to bring another life into the world. Maybe she doesn't want to subsume her hopes, dreams, and identity to become "Mom." Maybe she just plain doesn't like kids.

There is *nothing* wrong with any of those reasons, and more power to her for understanding now that this is just not something she wants in her future. If everyone were so wise, every child would be a wanted child, and what a great world that would be.

This is one of the few things in a relationship that is an absolute deal-breaker. There's no way to compromise on having kids; it's not like you can have a kid sometimes or have just half a kid. There's no meeting in the middle. Maybe it's time to set each other free -- her to find a man who will love her for her own sake, and you to find someone who wants to be the mother of your children.

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- PapzBSlim
  
  11 years ago
  
  He did not say he wanted one now. She can finish her education or what ever else she has in mind. He just wants to know if she thinks it would be a possibility of her having children in the future.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    11 years ago
    
    Thank you! every one here thinks I'm forcing her into it and being all "I want kids now bitch".
    
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    - VioletTrees
      
      11 years ago
      
      I don't think you're forcing her into it, but the way this post is written makes me uneasy, particularly the "just one" part. The whole tone of your post sounds like you're begging like a child trying to get their parents to buy candy, not like you're discussing this as an adult. Is this how you're talking to your fiancée about it? Are you listening to her reasons, or are you just trying to convince her? Have you asked her why she doesn't want kids? Are you even sure that she doesn't want them, and that this isn't a matter of her not wanting to be pushed at the moment?
      
      You need to talk to her like an adult and listen to her side of the story. Don't try to persuade her, just listen.
      
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      - BareClaire
        
        7 years ago
        
        I think its kind of an important issue and if she isnt talking about it at all then it could be a stumbling block for them.
        
        Saying "I MIGHT want one later" isnt the same as saying I want kids but not right now.
        
        I think the OP has a right to find out if their lives are going in the same direction or if he is walking into a marriage that will never satisfy his want and need to have a family.
        
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    - PapzBSlim
      
      11 years ago
      
      Lol no problem. I understand because I just went through the same thing with my girlfriend. She at first was strong about never having children but I didn't let it get to me because how much I love her. Now, she brings up having children and it being a girl and picking names sometimes. Even if she is against children, it may change. My girlfriend is only 21 years of age though so we have a long time to wait and see what happens.
      
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NoraBaker

11 years ago | pl

Just one child is enough of a deal breaker. You speak as if it were just one Twinkie for the fat kid.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Well the problem is we connect on every other level...she said she wants some before and she thought about it and we used to talk about names but it just stopped all the sudden... I just wanna know how to talk to her about it. Her parents said she was hard to raise. Maybe thats it, but the real problem is she wont talk to me about it.
  
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  - NoraBaker
    
    11 years ago
    
    Have you talked openly about it or are you just mentioning kids, as you made it sound in your original post? You could address the topic directly, tell her how you feel, let her know you don't want to pressure her into having kids, but that you would very much like to hear her stance on the subject. If needed you can even give her time to think about it. That seems a delicate way to approach it. Speaking of important and essential things indirectly never amounts to getting to know real opinions or feelings and reaching understanding between two people.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      I do mention it openly. And if she doesn't want kids I just wanna know why... She just neglects to tell me over and over. I know how to communicate with her but she refuses to talk about it. And when I ask her why she doesn't respond and we've been arguing for the past month because she won't open up to me...
      
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      - NoraBaker
        
        11 years ago
        
        Then I guess I'm out of things to say. Although as I read your reply what occurred to me is that if you've been arguing, perhaps you should first check if the relationship is really going well. I'm not implying it isn't. It was just a thought that crossed my mind.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        Well it was. I just wanna be able to talk to her with out yelling at eachother... :( thanks for trying :/
        
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squeallikeasacofpigs

11 years ago

Don't have kids. Save all your money and buy a big house, nice holidays and jet skis. And fuck your wife, allll the tiimmee. And she'll keep her figure and that shit'll stay real nice and tight.

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- NocturnePonyFan
  
  11 years ago
  
  Now that sounds like a better life than taking care of an ungrateful, spoiled, screaming kid!
  
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dom180

11 years ago

She might not never want kids. Most people on this site will tell you they never want kids, but in the fullness of time I think most of them eventually will. When people say "never", what they usually mean is "not in the foreseeable future", "not unless my mindset changes itself drastically". The thing is, people are biologically programmed to want children eventually. Very few people will truly NEVER want kids at some time in their life. In the fullness of time she might very well change her mind and decide she does want kids. We're talking potentially years before that change happens though, not any time in the foreseeable future, and there's no guarantee she will change her mind.

I understand you wondering "why not now", and I don't think it's wrong to wonder why she feels as she does. You want to know if there's a problem so you can fix the problem, you want to know if she's unhappy so you can know how to make her happy. If she's made a sudden u-turn it makes sense to wonder if something has happened and worry about it.

The way you write your story, it makes me think of you as someone who brings this up to her very often and is constantly asking about kids. If that's true, it might make her worry that you only want to use her as a baby-maker and that you don't love her for her. That's a hell of a lot of speculation and guess-work on my part, but it's a possibility I would consider if I were you.

I think it depends just how big of an issue having kids is for you. It depends if you want to take the huge risk of throwing away a woman you are in love with, connect with in every way, who wants to marry you AND still might one day have kids with you, all for the chance of finding another woman who will definitely have kids and will make you just as happy in all the other ways your soon-to-be wife does now.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you both?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I haven't mentioned it in weeks, and I barely did mention it... only twice. I just wanna know her feelings about them, and if she ever does want them. She's not a baby maker to me, but I've always wanted to be a father. It's just me can't help it. On the matter of age, I can only say we are young. Don't wanna give it out but we are no where near kids we have our whole lives in front of us and I plan to live it, but I want children in the end. If she doesn't want children I'll end up leaving her, but for the time being I'm keeping my mouth shut.
  
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[Old Memory]

11 years ago

Ask her bluntly. If she doesn't want to have a child with yo, or anyone, leave her. Explain to her that one of the main things I want from a relationship is to turn it in to a family, and that you can't do it if she doesn't want a child.
She is well within her rights not to want a child, and if she doesn't want one, don't try argue her in to having one, it will be damaging to the woman, and the connection between the mother and child might not be there.

You, however, are well within your rights to leave her for someone that is willing to give you what you want from a relationship (a family). You go in to a relationship to get what both partners want from it, and if this is what you want from a relationship, yet not getting it, it is not at all wrong to leave her for someone that will be willing to have a child with you.

If she continues to stall, still leave her. If you are at an age that nakes it difficult to be a father, then you need to act on this very soon.

I personally think you should leave her for someone that will suit your needs. It is within her right to not have children, and it is within your rights to leave the person that won't have a child with you, for someone that will have a child with you.

Hope my comment helps.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Well Honestly I don't want children now at all. I want children at 35ish years old. I'm not trying to rush her, and I will leave her if she never does wanna have kids...
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    11 years ago
    
    Ok. Just be careful. While you wait until 35, you might find out she still doesn't want any, then you will have to spend atleast a year or two to find a woman that's right for you that would be a good mother. Remember, just because you leave her at 35 doesn't mean you'll find a female within the first year that suits you, and then you also have to wait until she is ready to have a child with you, which can take a few years.
    
    Just be careful with the times.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      Well we've got 15ish years until 35. If she doesn't want any in the next 5 years (that is if we stay together) I'll always love her but she can't make me happy. I want kids to carry me on.
      
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        11 years ago
        
        I really am confused on the "carry me on" part of this response. How does having kids carry anyone on? Cant you just live your life for your own satisfaction, work a job to support yourself and spend your free time doing what you want to do?
        
        I dont have anything against kids, (dont have much for them either) but I really find myself confused by this absurd pressure men place on themselves for marriage and then kids. Being married and having kids is not something you "have to do" in life. Or need to do to "carry on".
        
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        11 years ago
        
        Good call. I hope you the best in having children.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        Thanks :)
        
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  - VioletTrees
    
    11 years ago
    
    Wait, is she the same age as you? Female fertility starts to decline around age 30, and begins to do so significantly at about age 35.
    
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1232123212321

11 years ago

im totally the same way. im the girl in the situation. kids are very unappeling to me. the fact that i have to wait 9 horrid months to sqeeze something out of my vagina and then live with it for a minimum of 18 years or so is just the worst fucking thought.

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[Old Memory]

11 years ago

Haha a man that wants kids and a woman who doesn't, odd. She sounds like a dream woman, you on the other hand seem to have sand in your vagina.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Honestly shut the fuck up. It's my decision, my life. If you're gonna judge you should't be on this site to begin with.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    11 years ago
    
    The sand in your vagina is making you cranky.
    
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- PapzBSlim
  
  11 years ago
  
  All I got to tell you is, I hope you do not ever have children. That is the message you seem to be relaying to the audience. Good luck with not having offspring.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    11 years ago
    
    I have one already (and strongly suspect a second), that's what made me never want to have them. That and the fact that i know i'd never make a good parent, let someone else deal with it.
    
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    - PapzBSlim
      
      11 years ago
      
      You should have been taking precaution to prevent this event from occurring not once, but maybe a second time? I am assuming you will say that the birth control did not work or there was a problem with the condom? Well I wish you the best of luck.
      
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        11 years ago
        
        I did, i was tricked.
        
        Meow.
        
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        PapzBSlim
        
        11 years ago
        
        Lol you crack me up. This will make me smile the rest of the day. Also, the "meow" is something my girl says on text all the time, I am sure she will enjoy your response too lol.
        
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MeHTa

11 years ago

Hm... So you were choosing names and then suddenly stopped? Do you possibly think she could have found out about some medical issues she might have? That is just a thought. I would also agree with a comment before me about issues in a relationship like lack of trust and one wanting kids and the other doesn't... I understand you being in love but i would suggest resolving these issues before you two are getting married because if you don't it might lead to divorce later on...

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ccjigsaw

11 years ago

I know what you mean. It's important to know your partner is on the same page. My Brother now wife broke up with her fiance because she wanted kids, and he didn't. She's now married to my bro for 7 years now. Having kids is a big deal! As well as a big deal breaker. How old is she? If she's an adult, she's being very immature about the situation. If you're engaged you guys should be close enough to atleast tell you why she's had a change of heart. I get the feeling however, that she's just sick of hearing it from you. when people blab to me all the time about the same stuff I get less keen on the idea, even if I was fine with it before. Just ask her if the reason she's weird about it now is because you keep bringing it up. If she says yes then say. "Okay, this will be the last time, I swear. If you awnswer this I promise I'll stop. You want to have kids in the future with me, right?" And hopefully she says yes and you'll be good. Just don't hassle her after that. If she says no, I would move on.

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Are You Normal?

Is it normal for her to never want kids?