Is it normal for a wife to want you to not have friends but her own?

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41 Comments

is it normal for a wife to not let me go out and try to make friends? i am recently married and when we go out she dosen't let me talk to anybody, she brings along her own friends and only lets me talk to them. is this normal? or is she just over cautious. i have cheated in the past but she dosen't even let me talk to people of the same sex. what to do.

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17% Normal
Based on 35 votes (6 yes)
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Comments ( 41 )
  • TyLee
    12 years ago

    She doesn't trust you and you are her husband. Why is she going to trust your guy friends who are probably going to encourage you to judge and make comments about other women and go out to stripclubs or bars with them. Seeing as you cheated she feels as though you can not be trusted because she thinks that you are a scumbag. She feels like you lost that privelage. I am not saying that I agree with her or that it is fair, but I really think that those are the reasons behind it. Before you get mad realize that she is just afraid of getting hurt, which is actually kind of sad.

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      well first off i don't have any friends only my younger and older brother, im the guy who dedicated my life to the person i was with. and i was never really alone i would always find someone to fill the shoes pretty quickly, and then it would be the same situation where i only hung out with her friends. but now that im married i know im going to spend the rest of my life with her(or i at least plan on it). so that is why i want to find my own friends because she should feel secure enough now that we are married to let me go find like minded friends. im not a drinker, smoker, or party animal. im not trying to go out to strip clubs i just want to find other people who have similar interests and are in the same stage in life that i am married young and still learning about life.

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      • TyLee
        12 years ago

        I totally agree with you that you should be able to do that and I never said you were a bad guy. What I was suggesting was that those might be things that your wife could be worried about if you do get friends.

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  • usernameuser
    12 years ago

    Your cheating is most probably what caused her to react this way.
    This is not very healthy for your relationship, perhaps you need to sit down with her and let her know how this makes you feel without blaming her for over reacting or being irrational.

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      i have tried talking to her before she just avoids it and moves on to the next subject, then when i bring it back up she gets upset and starts telling me about my flaws. so it's like i want to talk to her but she isn't willing.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    I think her expectations are completely irrational and controlling.

    You can't let this continue. Just because you've cheated does not entitle her to choose your friendships for you.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    She has trust issues and you can't really blame her. Would you trust a person who broke your heart? You should be grateful that she's still with you in the first place. Try explaining to her how you feel about the subject.

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  • icanhascheezburger
    12 years ago

    > i have cheated in the past but she dosen't even let me talk to people of the same sex

    > i have cheated in the past

    > cheated in the past

    > cheated in past

    > cheated

    Enough Said...

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      so you feel cause i fucked up admitted it and she took me back knowing what i did, i don't deserve any trust whatsoever? i understand that i did mess up but it's been over a year and haven't done it again, you are saying i don't deserve any leash?

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      • icanhascheezburger
        12 years ago

        Alright, lets approach this differently. You do deserve trust but you did mess up and I'm sure she had tons of trust in you before you cheated on her. It takes more then a year maybe forever. Even if she forgives, she'll never forget, it'll be on her mind forever to some degree. It will however take a long time to rebuild trust, from past experiences that I've had, it's going to take a lot longer then a year. She's also trying to keep an eye on you which isn't a bad thing if you plan of having a long term relationship with this woman. Be open and honest with her in everything and don't be shady, I figure if there's nothing you're doing that's wrong then there should be nothing to hide.
        Everything you do will be questioned by her in the back of her head until she rebuilds trust in you again.

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  • joybird
    12 years ago

    Ok. I'm married over 22 years and can answer any direct questions.

    Right, you need to get out but if you're not a drinker then you need to join a club that is your interest (that may not be hers) golf, bridge, bowls, motobiking, sailing, book, etc and one that your brothers may also be interested in. This would seem the only way to get away from her and her friends.

    Your wife is perhaps young too, and has learnt to her cost that she should never have got married while she still didn't trust you :o(

    ALWAYS wear your wedding ring!

    Try to keep reinforcing how important your marriage vows mean to you, and if you have any religious convictions - hammer them home!
    If she wants to go anywhere with her friends always say yes that's not a problem - eventually she should see how reasonable you are and should treat you the same way.
    You need to sore a few Brownie points!

    I wonder how she found out about your cheating - did you tell her?

    Honestly, if you don't get this sorted your marriage will never last :o(

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      i do wear my wedding ring but it gets me the wrong kind of attention. and i let her have free range it's not that i don't trust her she can do as she pleases im not the jealous type but it's me that wants a little more slack on my leash. and yes i told her straight up what i did and she accepted me and my mistake. and i know that if this festers it will ruin us thats why im asking you guys and this is my first post but i really like the comments thank you guys especally katywompus and you joybird thanks a bunch!

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      • joybird
        12 years ago

        Why did you tell her?
        How long were you dating before you cheated?
        Was it an affair that lasted a while, or a one-night stand or just a kiss?

        A couple of things married men should never do - especially in front of their wives....

        NEVER ever kiss any other female on the lips when you meet them, always on the cheek!
        NEVER offer to buy other women drink or pay for their food if you are not in rounds.

        Don't think your wife won't notice either of these coz you can bet your life she does, if you do them. These two tiny things add to trust, that you only kiss her and that your money is for your home.

        Her problem is that she doesn't trust you and is never likely to 100% although it's to your credit that you told her. A friend of mine kissed another girl on holiday, told his wife and is now divorced!!

        I'm just wondering what she would do if she saw you talking to another female? Would she come storming up to you both or would you just get hell at home later? After a while it may be worthwhile breaking the rules a little to lengthen that leash a little - as long as you don't step out of line, she should eventually lighten up!

        A very difficult situation!!
        Could take years to resolve!!

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        • tonsoffun300zx
          12 years ago

          when i moved to the new company i was with her for about 6 months and was sleeping with the other woman for about 3 months. and i told her because i felt guilty and she told me that she wasn't going to wait for me to come back and get a job near her so we could be together. thats when i decided to stop seeing the other woman and that my wife is more important.

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          • joybird
            12 years ago

            Awk that was in the early days when you were still deciding which one was for you - and you chose her!

            ok It's time she wised up! We all have a few on the go until we decide which is the one for us and you are still very young. I'm even surprised you got married so young! Anyway, she's going to have to trust you put this crap behind you, stop her yanking your chain and tell her to grow up.

            Do whatever you want to do and she will have to live with it or leave you. She won't leave but she really doesn't want you to do what she says! You are supposed to be the dominant one in this relationship and she won't respect you until you put your foot down.

            You're doing nothing wrong and she's just gona have to live with it.

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            • tonsoffun300zx
              12 years ago

              i was raised by my single mother i have never really been a put my foot down kinda guy. im more of a let it roll off my back don't really care. but im married now and it's a whole new ball game but i really do appreciate the advise guys and gals.

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    12 years ago

    i would suggest you both get marriage counseling

    as for your confession that you "cheated before marriage" ....

    you may consider marriage to be the deciding factor, that cheating before marriage is ok but afterwards is a "no no"

    not everyone feels this way. it seems clear your wife may not feel the same way too and may feel that if your bond of love wasn't good enough for you before the wedding why would the gold band magically make it good enough for your afterwards?

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      the way i see it is married or not kid or not if someone is going to cheat they are going to find a way to do so. i married my wife because i love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and as far as the cheating goes it was an old employer who kinda pushed me into it and it just happened i did not have intentions to go and nail the boss, i like i said was pushed into the situation. i have not given her any reason to doubt me at all since the mirrage but she still treats me like before and i have no way of proving her wrong, just cause it's a catch 22 there is no way to prove im not only a way to prove that i am so in turn if i was she could find out a definate answer but there is no definate answer if im not you know? it's just hard and im young and don't know much about marriage.

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      • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
        12 years ago

        "kinda pushed me into it "

        Unless it was rape you had the ability to say yes or no

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        • tonsoffun300zx
          12 years ago

          i understand but i had just moved out of town and had just left my job to take this one. i could have said no but i didn't and i admit it was a huge mistake but i told her about it straight up, my wife could have turned down my mirrage proposal.

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          • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
            12 years ago

            "i had just moved out of town"
            "my wife could have turned down my marriage proposal"

            The first is an excuse
            The second is ... blaming your wife?

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            • tonsoffun300zx
              12 years ago

              there was no excuse for my cheating but it happened and i feel bad for it. but at the same time she could have told me to hold off till she was completly over it or not have married at all. i believe marrying someone means that you understand there past no matter what happened and accept them for who they are not for what they did. my wife used to use cocaine for about 4-5 years before i met her and i understand that and don't hold that against her,although i could i don't why because her past is just that the past. if we dwell on the past we will never be able to move on to the future. or atleast thats what i think.

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  • Katywompus
    12 years ago

    Hopefully you two can work it out somehow. If she married you after (even long after) you cheated then she shouldn't have such a problem. If she had the trust issuess then she shouldn't have gone thru with the marriage. I think its totally bogus that you 'aren't allowed' to make friends or talk to anyone. That in itself will damage the marriage and if she can talk about it without being a baby then maybe she isn't worth it?? Its a tough pickle your in, my friend

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    • Katywompus
      12 years ago

      Ugh it won't let me edit! I meant if she can't talk about it.......

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      • tonsoffun300zx
        12 years ago

        i see your point but im already married, so now it's just working things out but i do understand where it WILL become detremental to the relationship. it's like they say the preachers kids are the worst. if she dosen't give me a longer leash im going to bite it off and run free which is what i don't want, i used to be that guy but no more thanks a bunch.

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  • dom180
    12 years ago

    Should'nt've even got married if were still trust issues from when you cheated. You were stupid for cheating; her level of control is irrational. I can see both sides, and they're both rubbish.

    Maybe try and do something for her to prove that you can be trusted again? Idk what though.

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    • tonsoffun300zx
      12 years ago

      look i cheated way before we got married and she was supposedly over it and was trusting again, all of this started happening after we got married which was long after the cheating incident. so is it just a married womans thinking or what because im 22 and this is my first marriage so im still new to this.

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      • dom180
        12 years ago

        In that case, she should have made clear that she still had trust issues. There is nothing we can do about that, but the point that you now have to prove her wrong about her issues still stands. You could ask her why she is behaving like this, and ask her, reasonably and without getting angry, what you can do to convince her that you have grown up and are now a responsible person.

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        • tonsoffun300zx
          12 years ago

          how do you prove that you aren't going to do it again? i haven't since and she had full privelages to my phone/email whenever plus since i don't hang out with anybody but the fam idk how she can still feel that way.

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          • dom180
            12 years ago

            Then explain what you just explained to me, to her. If you are telling the whole story and she has an ounce of sense in her, she'll consider giving you a longer leash.

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  • stratman
    12 years ago

    Come on man, wear the pants!!! Your the man, stick up for yourself and don't take any questions and get her to make you a damn sandwich.

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