Is it normal for a parent to be angry at me like this? see description

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I'm 20 and I live with my grandmother and sometimes I just feel utterly emotionally abused. I am going to try to be as fair as I can here by posting all the good things she does.

She pays for my college out of her own retirement money, she has taken me all over the world, 7 countries, takes care of me like a 50s housewife, and basically has spoiled me my entire life. She loves me and on the good days, I genuinely feel loved.

But she's been cursing, name calling, and trying to control me just a bit too much my whole life. It has gotten a lot better since I am 20, but at this point she should not be trying to control my actions at all. She claims she has this right because she is paying for my college.

Some choice words are Bitch, she's called me slutty in high school because I would try to wear clothes she didn't like (that were not slutty), more recently, she has kept asking different variations of "what the fuck is wrong with you?" She makes me feel guilty about everything. I'm pretty sure she would throw a fit if I asked to sleep over a close friend's house. I am not allowed to go out with friends on school days(I have night classes). May I reiterate that I am TWENTY. She's been allowed to curse at me my whole life, but god forbid I utter a naughty word.

When she yells at me it's just so vicious. I've retreated into myself so much lately. I transferred to a new college where I don't know anyone. Spending my day at my college used to feel like such an escape, and I could get through, but there is no escape now. Sorry for the out there analogy, but it's the only way I can describe it. When I am at my happiest, with my friends, my soul feels like it extends for a mile. When she is freaking out it feels so small, like my soul's gone into my body into some tiny corner to hide, to cope, to go numb. What people might comically refer to as "My happy place"

I am going to post one of the first paragraphs again to reiterate.

I feel so guilty that I hate her sometimes. But just because someone loves you and gives you everything, does that excuse this behavior? Am I just being melodramatic and do all parents behave like this when they are angry? Or is the last question just my second guessing, which is part of my guilt for feeling this way?

Is it normal for a parent to behave this way?

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18% Normal

Based on 101 votes (18 yes)

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Comments ( 51 )

Energy

12 years ago | pl

No, it's not normal!! Just because she is paying for your College does NOT give her the right to be a fucking monster! You need to get away from her as soon as you're done with College. This is not right at all!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Oh that is a guarantee.
  
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  - bryson_willis
    
    12 years ago
    
    I think it's normal.
    
    it's always a lesson in life. That no matter who it is, so long as they foot even the smallest bill for you, they will start acting like they own your ass!
    
    make independence your number one priority after college, study hard and get a good job! Trust NO ONE (family, husband etc) to foot bills for you ever again!
    
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    - [Old Memory]
      
      12 years ago
      
      I think this is the best advice here.
      
      I also found this post incredibly interesting.
      
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  - hemper
    
    12 years ago
    
    yea unfortunately money is the key, it doesn't open all doors in life but it does open most. Can't you get a job? you are twenty as you stated a couple times, and i completely agree with bryson, love or not you need to have the ability to pay your own bills to take control of your life even if you don't use that ability.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      I don't have a car so therefore my options are limited. I do have a job, I work as a substitute teacher, which helps, but still not nearly enough, because I am using all of it to help pay for college. She won't even let work much during the semester, never mind any other job. I can work about once a week, but any more than that "would interfere with school" even though I have all night classes, and I could pretty much do my homework while I am substituting.
      
      And I would go off on my own to try and find a job, but I need her to take me there. I absolutely depend on her to take me anywhere. It is quite the rut.
      
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      - hemper
        
        12 years ago
        
        damn i guess circumstances are diffent for everyone, makes me happy that the canadian govn't gives us loans and grants and stuff like that.
        
        good luck, im guessing public transit isn't an option where you are?
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        12 years ago
        
        Not to go to my college. And I don't consistently have money to depend on public transportation lol
        
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timeless

12 years ago

I was attending college for three semesters, and my parents were treating me in a similar way. I couldn't handle the ongoing emotional abuse anymore, so 17 months ago I moved out of my parents' house to a town that is 80 miles away.

My parents won't pay for me to go to college unless I move back in, and I can't get financial aid until I am 24. I work part time at Geek Squad, and I put up with 5 roommates in order to cut my rent down to $400 per month. Despite the downsides, I'm a happier, more complete person than I ever could have been while I lived under their roof.

It's nice to have assurance that your bills are going to be paid, but it's absolutely not worth sacrificing your dignity. That said, leaving my parents filled me with an extreme amount of stress and uncertainty, and I can't say for sure whether it is the best option for you, but when I think back to the moment I left I have no regrets.

If you decide to leave your grandmother, this is my advice based on my own experience:

1. Cut down your amenities to a bare minimum. I made the mistake of keeping my car and my smart-phone. It was difficult to think of going without these things, but it is far more difficult to worry about how you are going to pay for rent, utilities, food, and your amenities. Get rid of whatever you can live without, and you'll be much better for it.

2. If possible, move in with a friend and live on their couch for a couple months. When you move out of your parents' house you'll go through an incredible amount of mental/emotional growth, and you'll need a friend for support. Insist on paying rent. Don't stay for more than 2 or 3 months. You don't want to get into the same situation you are already in, and you don't want to sabotage your friendship.

3. Find a job. While you are living with your friend, make finding a job your full-time job. Log all of your time spent looking for a job and make sure you are spending at least 50 hours each week looking for your job until you have it.

4. Remember the reason why you left. When (if) you go back to visit your grandmother, she may try to persuade you to go back, and it will be tempting. Remember that there are good times, and bad times with your grandmother. If she's anything like my parents she'll show you her best side when you visit, and the pain of the bad experiences will have faded. Don't let her trick you into only remembering the good times.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best possible outcome. If you do end up moving out, let us know how it goes.

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Avant-Garde

12 years ago

She sounds like my grandmother. She hasn't payed for my college or anything, but she has been emotionally and verbally abusive. There have been times when It has gotten somewhat physical. She also emotionally abused my mother, yet were are unfortunately dependent on her:/

All my life I have been "different" and I now know that its most like a mental illness. There have been periods when I can barely function and at those time she would become very abusive. She accused me of being "slow" or told me that I act so fucking stupid,etc.

She's very controlling and takes me on trips. The last one, she became extremely abusive and I nearly killed myself as a result. I'm constantly verbally assaulted. This morning, she came into my room while I was in a deep sleep and started threatening me. There have been times when she's threatened to cause me serious harm and possibly kill me.

I don't want to be dependent on this woman. College wise, I plan to get a scholarship and move far away from her and the rest of her family.

It's not fair that you have to deal with that monster. It sounds like she's doing what my relative does by doing "guilt trips" so she can stay and cause more harm to your life. When, you get out of college, try to get away from her and her abuse. You don't deserve it. No one does.

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- Anime7
  
  12 years ago
  
  I hope you get far away from that grandmother of yours soon. She sounds like a real monster. Where's your father in the picture?
  
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  - Avant-Garde
    
    12 years ago
    
    He died in a car crash when I was much younger:(
    
    Once, I go to college and afterwards, I plan to cut off all ties from my family.
    
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    - hemper
      
      12 years ago
      
      i would say move out before then if you won't be depending on her for college tuition. get a job, learn a skill asap. meditate if you don't already. it can't be mentally healthy to suffer such abuse.
      
      can't do much, but i gonna offer my moral support and to the OP as well, no one should have to live thru mental abuse.
      
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      - Avant-Garde
        
        12 years ago
        
        Thank you:)
        
        Before, I go to college, I'm supposed to learn faming skills in canada. It's become a little fantasy of mine to try to live there and attend college there as well. I really don't want to have to go to college where I live now. It really wouldn't offer me much freedom.
        
        The only thing I'm good at is art. I joined an art college through the mail a few years ago and now I'm behind in it:( I want to finish it before I have to go to a regular art college and hopefully get a scholarship. I also write poems and I'm writing a poetry book as a result. I come up with ideas for both modern design and fashion, but the only way to accomplish them is if I try to finish with my art.
        
        I've considered mediation, but I really don't have much time for it. I really want to try lucid dreaming/outer body experiences. There are many things that can be learned via the sub-conscience. However, I usually panic or fall asleep before I can start the process:(
        
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        hemper
        
        12 years ago
        
        haha i've tried that too to no avail, granted i've meditated after almost no sleep and went into this dream state before where i knew i was dreaming but i was kinda sleeping, i don't know what you call that, granted i didn't feel like i could control much without 'waking' up
        
        meditating takes however long you want, i usually recommend just 5 mins a day when starting out (i doubt you don't have 5mins a day to spare) after brushing your teeth in the morn or after breakfast for me usually xD. more of less just tell yourself to sit still on a stable chair for 5 mins close your eyes (with a more or less straight spine) and take note of the way you are breathing. you will notice that after a while of lightly concentrating on your breathing you get these "self stories," these are what you are looking for, it will help you know yourself better and accept events that have come to pass, desires (hiddden or not), random thoughts, etc.
        
        remember that everything affects is affected by your mind. i find that i am much more efficient after meditating in the morn
        
        if you want more info i can give you many resources.
        
        and yea COME TO CANADA its not even that cold anymore cuz of global warming xD
        
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    - Anime7
      
      12 years ago
      
      I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going to have to go with Hemper and say that I'm here for moral support. I hope getting away from your grandma will give you a happy life.
      
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      - Avant-Garde
        
        12 years ago
        
        Thank you so much:')
        
        Getting away from my whole family would be the best. It could give me a chance to be myself and gain confidence. I want to get a restraining order against these crazy people. Perhaps, my wish is a bit extreme, but I'm tired of them oppressing my life and I don't want them trying to bother me when I go live on my own.
        
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        Anime7
        
        12 years ago
        
        Trust me I know how you feel.
        
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joybird

12 years ago

She sounds exactly the same as my mother - Do as I say, not as I do!!

You could try talking to her when she is having a 'softer' moment and ask her if her health is ok coz she hasn't been herslf lately (yeah right!) But she seems cross all the time.

Or, the one I really love is to threaten to disgrace her in front of her friends, minister, family etc by recording her and putting her on youTube.

If you really want to stay over at a friend's house, don't ask her, tell her. Phone her after class and just say I'm going to stay at (....) see you tomorrow - and hang up, turn off phone :o)

My mom was on my cellphone cursing at me 5 days ago and I texted her back to tell her she was on loud speaker and I was in a restauant. I haven't heard from the rotten bitch since :o)

However, I am in my 40's and every single day of my life that I lived with her (under 18) she told me that I was a useless piece of shite, that was no use to anyone. She still tries to rule my life and has even abused my son - but he's not used to it so he hung up the phone on her. She was livid.

They try to make you feel guilty in order to rule your life but don't fall for it. She has had her life and would not do one single thing she doesn't want to - so she probably wanted company to see the other countries. She thinks that if she pays your tuition you will be obliged to her for the rest of your life!

Run girl and live your life as you want to!!

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- Avant-Garde
  
  12 years ago
  
  Your witty comebacks at this woman are fantastic!
  
  You're not shit, you're a brilliant person who always knows what to say:) I'm sorry that you had to be abused and your son too by this woman. It's a right shame that she won't leave you and your family alone.
  
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  - joybird
    
    12 years ago
    
    Thank you Avant-Garde :o) I think my main problem was not rebelling when I was younger, I always tried to be that 'good' child whereas my siblings just tell her to go away. The guilt is hard to cope with as it's my mother but after having made my mistake I'd encourage others to respect themselves and not an abuser.
    
    Don't you worry about your grandmother being bigger than you. While she's towering above you she's looking into your face and can't see that sucker punch you're gonna land into her guts!!
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Unfortunately I have all night classes this semester. Though I have used that tactic all the time haha. Can't keep me home if I am already out.
  
  Oh if only I could do stuff like that (embarrassment), but I still have to come home to her and that would be miserable.
  
  At least I've learned now not to act when I am a parent lol. Don't be a dick like my grandmother, and don't be an absent try-to-be-my-friend mother lol. My mom lives in the basement (it's a small apartment down there, no room for me)but I never see her!
  
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  - joybird
    
    12 years ago
    
    You're right! If there was one thing I learned from my rotten upbringing was how NOT to treat kids.
    
    I'd still record her on my phone and let her hear herself back though! I bet she doesn't realise how nasty she actually is! Tell her you think she might be happier if you and your mom swapped locations :o)) haha that should be good for a laugh!!
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      You know she would gladly do that if she could use stairs without difficulty. When she's pissed she says "That"s it we are packing your shit and moving you downstairs" But there is no room for me down there so it's always an empty threat.
      
      She's just so angry about life not working out the way she wanted and pissed at my mom and paranoid she takes it all out on me.
      
      She locks our STORM door lol. Not the wooden outside door, but the flimsy glass door in front of it. We live in the middle of suburbia. I don't even...
      
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      - Avant-Garde
        
        12 years ago
        
        My grandmother does a lot of threats, like with my iPhone.
        If I do something she doesn't like then she threatens to literally take my phone. First off, I bought that phone with my own money, but she just pays the bill. Lately, I've been coming back at her for trying to steal it. I say that I bought it with my own money and you can't physically take it, because that's stealing. Then, she'll threaten to cut off service "forever" and I'll get kind of panicked. I say you may be able to turn it off, but you can't steal it.
        
        But, she still manages to punish me.
        Sometimes, will fight and she hop up and try to get in my face to intimidate me. She bigger and stronger than me. It scares me because I barely know self-defense and I wouldn't be able to properly defend myself if she decided to attack. Apparently, the main reason she doesn't "attack" is because she doesn't want to get in "trouble". A even more pathetic excuse if you ask me. Try to lift some weights or learn a marital art. Just incase it starts to get physical.
        
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      - joybird
        
        12 years ago
        
        Xlent! That's your prime opportunity to say, "OK, if you don't want me here I'm away to stay with a friend." and walk out.
        
        Anyhow, prison cells are only 6'x6' and they put 2 men in there so why can't you have bunk beds with your mom - I have to say I'd sleep on the sofa or even the floor to get away from that bitch.
        
        People do become embittered when they fail to get their own way, so she's trying to control you. However, this isn't making her happy either - and nothing will :o( You need to get her some social life eg church, charity work, where she can pretend to be a 'good' person. Then, she never knows who's going to drop in when she ranting.
        
        She sounds afraid of life and being on her own. Get away from her as much as possible.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        12 years ago
        
        A hobby would be a good idea. She used to do senior things at the YMCA, I should convince her to do it again. I get out as often as I can.
        
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PumpkinKate

12 years ago

The problem is that it's very difficult to come to grips with the fact that both good and "evil" coexist. A person can be wholly wonderful and amazing and generous while at the same time being cruel, harsh, and excessively abusive. Your grandmother, like pretty much everyone, seems to contain both good and bad qualities that coexist within her.

That being said, it seems to me (judging by the words you chose, the amount of raw feeling and emotion I interpreted from them) that the balance on the scales of "healthy / beneficial relationship" has tipped towards the negative. That's ok. Sometimes we change over time, ESPECIALLY at the age you are, and things that we could tolerate before become suddenly intolerable.

I might be so bold as to say that I think you want very much to be free, to "have your soul soar" as you say, and that living under your grandmother is preventing this. The most likely reason it has gotten worse lately is that you're ready to go face the world and take it head on, it's that time. Your wings are fully developed and you're ready to go...

So every single little restriction is just all that much more painful to endure. Forgive MY analogy (it's kind of awful, but...) it's a known fact that every bird has to leave the nest at some point. The more you're held back, the stronger the urge to leave will be.

Big decisions ahead... it's not my place to say what to choose, but I would at least urge you to remember the good, don't excuse the bad, and consider the impact of your decisions. And above ALL of that - my personal favorite motto:

Fortune favors the bold!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Yes thank you this was a very good post. You are absolutely right there is good and bad in everyone. Oh I plan to be fantastic. Adversity may come my way, but I'm made of steel and time keeps on moving so I will keep on ticking.
  
  If I could like this post 10 times I would XP
  
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  - PumpkinKate
    
    12 years ago
    
    Aww :) Made my night hearing that!
    
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Ono

12 years ago

Have you told her how she makes you feel? She sounds like a monster at times, but, but, but I get the impression you're happy enough to use her retirement money on yourself and live off her until you finish college then you can leave her since you've got what you wanted out of her.

You do have choices. You could finance your own college instead of happily using her retirement money to do it. You could also move out. It won't be easy, but life isn't sometimes.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  No my mother makes too much money for financial aid, and doesn't know how to save it. So she is making all this money a year, but does not have a dime to show for it.
  
  So even if I moved out, that would not solve anything. My state holds parent's income into consideration until like, 25.
  
  I've thought about how I could move out many times.
  
  But how exactly could I do that? All the money I do earn goes to college. I don't have anyone to move in with.
  
  And believe me, I feel guilty about using her money. I'm not happy about it.
  
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  - Avant-Garde
    
    12 years ago
    
    Can't you stay with a friend?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      I wish I could. No one to stay with.
      
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      - Avant-Garde
        
        12 years ago
        
        Not even a relative? Like an aunt or uncle?
        
        How about a god parent?
        
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littlemissgiggles

12 years ago

She sounds exactly the same as my dad :(

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karmasAbich

12 years ago

She's got arthritis, her bones rattle from the bass of the tv, her boobs are starting to be shaped like bannanas, and she probably wears diapers. I'd be cranky too. Despite all of that, she should be mature enough to know better than to treat you in such a way. Get out and don't let her hold anything over your head. You can be your own successful person without that sack of bones.

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RaNdOmPoPcOrN33467890754213456

12 years ago

wow thats not even verbal abuse,my mom chocked me im 10

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- bryson_willis
  
  12 years ago
  
  WHAT?!?! No way! :(
  
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  - RaNdOmPoPcOrN33467890754213456
    
    11 years ago
    
    yea my mom was a bitch
    
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- karmasAbich
  
  12 years ago
  
  Shocked or choked?
  
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nAt2017

12 years ago

She obviously cares about you in some way. But it's not normal for her to act that way around you, and she's setting a bad example. You can be angry at her just so long as you remember that she cares.

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SilverJayeWolf

12 years ago

I'm not going to give you some have-a-heart-to-heart-chat bullshit, but express distaste for such actions if you're already doing so, seek outside help.

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rydazi

12 years ago

Do you not have friends you could possibly stay with? If possible lend you a car or give you rides? If you moved in with a friend, you could get a job during the day and help pay some kind of rent and for gas. I had a friend stay with me for a little while till he could get on his feet. He didnt have a car nor a job at the time and was going to a few college classes during the day. He got a job working at a pizza place, I would drive him to work and he would get a ride back from a coworker. He only paid me for the gas that I used to cart him around. After he was able to save a couple hundred dollars, he bought himself a mechanicaly sound car for a cheap price. He started delivering pizza and was able to make a little more money and still continue to go to his classes. After a couple months he got an appartment with a coworker and was able to move out.

I hope this story can help you out. I hate seeing people stuck in situations they dont feel they can improve upon. I promise, there are always options. If you are afraid your grandmother will stop paying for your college, there are always loans and grants you can apply for. Worst case scenario, you could always join the military.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  I don't have anyone to stay with. My best friend is in a similar situation and her parents hate me for god knows what. And she lives around the corner haha.
  
  But it should only be another year, year and a half until I graduate, so I can wait.
  
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Haeven

12 years ago

Its not normal that she treats you that way no. I mean its nice that shes paying for your college with her money and took you to see those countries and i think for that you should try to respect her but that doesnt excuse her swearing at you and calling you names though. Just tell her how it makes you feel next time she does it. And i agree with joybird from my upbringing i have learned what i really hope i wont treat my future kids like too.

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toliety

12 years ago

Uh no

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Princess1989

12 years ago

Geeze!!!! Talk about a cast iron control freak! Lol

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[Old Memory]

12 years ago

but you are so nearly finished, soon you will be off into the world away from her , with enough time and space you will miss her then

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PiggaNlease

12 years ago

Why don't you just tell the silly bitch to shove her money up her wrinkly anus. Nobody needs to be treated like a slave.

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- bryson_willis
  
  12 years ago
  
  because afterwards she'll now have to crawl back into that wrinkly anus to get her college money. (i.e kiss ass).
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal for a parent to be angry at me like this? see description