Is it normal for a friend to act really defensive all the time?

29% Normal
9 Comments

I have this one friend I hang out with when I'm at school all the time. We rarely hang out outside of school though, maybe once a month at best. I care about him alot and he knows it, but our friendship seems really one-sided sometimes.

He seems to act really defensive most of the time. If I ask him if he wants to hang out he gets annoyed and if I ask him if he's doing anything fun over the weekend his tone of voice gets really agitated like he's afraid I'm gonna ask him to hang out or something.

I don't get it. I mean, I know he acts selfish sometimes but I can read him like a book, that's not really who he is. I used to think I was just a crappy friend but then I realized he's like this with everyone except his one friend. He's got one friend he hangs around all the time and even though he won't ever admit it, they're really close. Then again, they have alot of similar interests. The things I see in him others don't remind me of myself, so maybe that's why this doesn't make sense.

The weird thing is, he'll trust me with things he won't talk to others about. He was about to fail his research project tomorrow and was kinda stressed about it, so I offered to help him out. I'm friends with most of his other friends, so he either didn't tell them or they didn't care. I don't hide the fact that I care about him, so maybe he's just using me? I don't know.

I don't get it. It seems like he's always defensive around me and I don't know why. I'm pretty sure by now he realizes I'm not going to judge him. Are most guys normally this defensive around other guys?

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29% Normal
Based on 49 votes (14 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • eternalsmoke31
    12 years ago

    maybe he knows your gay and just doesnt want you to get the idea that you stand a chance..

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  • emilydoll
    12 years ago

    It sounds like he's using you.

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  • almostunreadable
    12 years ago

    Perhaps there is a trace of homophobia in him. Try to back off a little and see what happens.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      There's alot more than just a trace in him. He's extremely homophobic most of the time. If you make a gay joke he gets really bothered and if he makes one to you and you don't act all bothered by it he gets really bothered. Ever since I told him they don't bother me he hasn't made one.

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    12 years ago

    Perhaps something else is bothering him that he hasn't shared with you. Be it troubles at home, or with school or a job.

    It could also be a symptom of a mental issue as well. I believe there may be several conditions where a person may exhibit signs of unexplained defensiveness.

    Since you sound like you want to remain friends with him, you might want consider the following article.

    Granted, the article specifies "how to be friends with a bipolar teenager" so it may not apply to your friend... but the advice given within can apply to a multitude of situations.

    http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Friends-with-a-Bipolar-Teenager

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      Alot of things bother him that I can see. Some are fairly obvious and some he's told me. I don't think it's a mental issue though. Still, thanks for the article. I'll look through it when I have some free time.

      I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I think it has to do with him not wanting to get close to people. He told me one time the reason he gets mad when everyone wants to hang out with him is because he has to turn people down, and he hates doing that knowing it's going to hurt their feelings. That's the only reason I don't see everything he does as complete selfishness honestly.

      I think he's just afraid of getting close to people, probably due to a combination of having parents that wouldn't even notice if he never came home at night (they also get drunk and fight alot), him being extremely stubborn, and homophobia. He's the popular kid so he's got lots of friendships, but they're all fairly shallow. Even him and his best friend have a sort of on/off friendship.

      It's frustrating at times. I understand alot more about him than he realizes, but when he acts defensive when I try to be supportive of him I can only imagine how he'd respond if he found out I understand those secret things and aren't bothered at all by them. I think he just feels like his manhood's being threatened by talking about such things, but I really don't know. I've thought about dropping subtle hints that I know from time to time, but he's already really defensive as it is.

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      • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
        12 years ago

        Ah, family issues can explain a lot then as well.

        With alcoholism in the family he may be use to having to close himself off to avoid being hurt.

        It's good that he has a friend who cares for him - especially on days when he's not at his best.

        In fact the days that he's at his worst just might be the days when other troubles are also particularly bad.

        The article I listed may still help, even if it's not a mental health issue (such as being bi-polar).

        Another article that may help
        http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/coping_alcoholic.html

        Lastly, if he can he may want to check out AA. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just for alcoholics. They also offer assistance to people who have lived with - or grown up with - alcoholic family members.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          12 years ago

          Thanks for all the helpful advice.

          He's too stubborn to even be honest with himself, I'd doubt he'd be honest with me about something that personal. He's told me it bothers him sometimes, but I really don't know how to get any more than that out of him without him getting defensive about it.

          Hopefully he doesn't become a drunk like his stepfather, but he's certainly got the potential. I guess as a friend I should talk to him about it but I don't really know how.

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  • PaulSheldon
    12 years ago

    It's normal that people can be defensive, but your friend is being very excessive. With friends, people should be comfortable enough to be open to suggestions sometimes, but to be almost completely evasive, even when asked harmless questions, isn't normal behaviour.

    Your friend might be suffering from insecurities. Insecure people tend to be more close-minded and more defensive, or he might be suffering from low self-esteem.

    Your friend should seek professional help, because this kind of behaviour will hinder you from having a normal friendship, and hinder him from having a normal life.

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