Is it alright to be a bit selfish?

10 Comments

So, I’m not sure whether or not I’m being a little bitch or not, but my mom wants to move to us to New Jersey after almost 14 years of living in Florida (I’m now 21). She’s asking that I pay $400 per month since she’s thinking of moving into a space that’s $2,600 a month.

Backstory: My mom moved to from New Jersey to Florida to escape a domestic affair she was having with my stepdad. Since then, I’ve resented visiting there and also justify reasons for not living there (like having to come out again and deal with more family rejection). My grandmother also just passed away from COVID-19 complications so my grandfather won’t be able to keep up with the mortgage as my mom is adamant on us leaving everything behind. She’s been tossed around in life and doesn’t seem to be happy here but a huge part of me doesn’t want to let go of the growth, privilege, and comfort I’ve found living here.

I’m already terrified of people and major changes (maybe due to some undiagnosed major social anxiety) but this move is making me really uncomfortable. The last time I’ve had a job was in 2017 and I literally *just* got a job doing DoorDash, one that won’t make me want to completely socially implode. I’ve made a lot of slow internal progress in trying hard to form new mental health habits, without a therapist, and honestly impressed that I was able to achieve something as important as a job tbh. Also, school’s back in session the 25th of this month, and I might lose my scholarships traveling out-of-state? I’m working on finishing my pre-nursing degree to then earn an RN-BSN to start working full time. My scholarships and financial aid pretty much cover my semester costs, but with the added stress of the inevitable monotony of a job and new location I’m feeling kind of stuck.

For the most part I tend to be really cautious and worried but I also find it hard to be adaptable. I like simplicity and comfort, and my impulses are limited to online shopping, fast food runs, and sometimes indulging in some flower 💨 not moving to another state in the middle of a pandemic. I know that comfort zones have to be broken and there’s a possibility that this could be really be an opportunity to free up some of my mental gunk. Honestly, I’m not sure if investing all of early sacrifices are worth what my family wants to do. A part of me feels like I’m being selfish, but I’ve never felt worthy enough to feel that way.

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Comments ( 10 )
  • NoMalarkey
    3 years ago

    You remind me of myself. I’m currently watching a family member going through the motions of putting her all into helping everyone around her before doing anything for herself. They take advantage. She thinks of it as them giving her purpose. I think back to how I felt in similar situations and want to shout “what do YOU want? This is a slippery slope! You’ll have nothing left if you go on like this!”

    Enough about me. Now about you. It is imperative to be selfish in this life. “Selfish” is a harsh word; if it makes you feel better, consider substituting it with “self-serving”. The golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated, only works in a utopia where everyone holds themselves to that standard and provides room for others to take the pedestal from time to time. That’s not how our rat race society functions. If you cannot be self-serving you will end up with nothing. Balance this with altruism once you have the stability to offer yourself because you have plenty. Give the shirt from your garage, not the shirt off your back. It might surprise you to find that by living this way your ability to help others will increase. You won’t find yourself in a state of resentment for those you’ve helped never considering your needs.

    Here is a revised golden rule: treat YOURSELF the way you would treat someone you are responsible for helping. It is not unkind. It is an investment toward future kindness.

    As for how that factors into your decision for moving, I cannot say. It depends on a lot of things a full conversation could only get to the bottom of. But I hope this helps you make the right decision to further your future goals.

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    • mr_awesome
      3 years ago

      This is something I definitely struggle with! Someone commented that it’s not fair that I’m 21 and co-dependent. Most of the time I spend at home is used to refine myself and really try to strengthen my personality and values. I feel mostly raw and unprepared for changes that I don’t seek because I haven’t been motivated enough to reach goals for myself as a lot of my actions are to help others. I really want to be self-serving enough to balance altruism and budding confidence (wherever or whenever I find it) but I tend to make excuses because I don’t want to mess up. Perfectionism and self-comparison are some common reasons/excuses as to why I find it hard to support myself and appreciate myself. I’m afraid the world I’ll try to step on me. Instead I opt to dream and make small strides in hopes that I can make bigger goals and start relying on myself in little steps. I just wish it was easier and made more sense is all. But I really appreciate the positivity in your post!! :-)

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  • Meowypowers
    3 years ago

    You're 21. It is selfish for you to be (co)dependent on others. If you have some college credits you are not entirely useless, embrace the strength that got you that and do it again! It sounds like you're making excuses and letting fear consume you. You know, you say it yourself that you need to force yourself into some uncomfortable situations to grow. Listen to yourself, you're better than you give yourself credit for!

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    • mr_awesome
      3 years ago

      I think that’s where most of the confusion and guilt comes from! I’ve been making a lot of excuses lately because I fear that doing the work and failing will make me fall deeper into some sort of mental health bullshit that I won’t be able to control. I am 21 but I feel vastly unprepared for a lot of what might be happening. Instead maybe I should ask what’s a way that you’ve handled stress and change? Did you have any growing pains at all?

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  • litelander8
    3 years ago

    Taxes are so much cheaper in Florida.

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  • dirtybirdy
    3 years ago

    You're an adult, don't go. Stay with gramps and help him out.

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    • mr_awesome
      3 years ago

      Gramps kind of wants to move as well as of this morning. But I’m still mostly hesitant. Also a lot of my trepidation comes from being majorly uncomfortable/miserable with the new situation. I mean I used to hide in the bathrooms at work because it was too overwhelming. Maybe I should’ve asked how you guys convoy being depressed/unmotivated/lazy?

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  • LloydAsher
    3 years ago

    Tldr: be selfish. It's your god given right to be a complete asshole if you want. As long as you arent actively fucking with someones life. Being passively an asshole like just not doing shit people lump into your workload doesnt break the actively fucking with someones life rule I have.

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    • mr_awesome
      3 years ago

      I want to! But either way I’d have some serious weight to pull to help him pay if she decided to move. I’m gonna try and clear some air up but ya boy is a little stressed. And the thing is that I’m just beginning to build myself up, I feel extra prone to be depressed. Being selfish is a new concept, I don’t want to step over anyone

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  • Somenormie
    3 years ago

    No it isn't, it really isn't. If you like to do that have fun people hating you.

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