Is how i feel normal or is it more?

50% Normal
2 Comments

No idea where to start.

I'm awkward with social situations, I have a hard time making connections with people. When my bf takes me around his family I never know how to act or what to say, I get moody and frustrated with myself... I start to think I'm such an awful gf because I can't even have a good time with his family. He gets frustrated with me because I don't interact with them much at all.
I've always been distant since I can remember. I always over think every situation I'm in. Sometimes I think no one wants to be around me because I'm so strange and anti social. I don't have many friends. I live in a very small town and I'm sad a lot.

Sometimes I feel as if I'd be better off if I just killed myself because I'm really not doing much with my life. I really don't know where to go from where I am... it's like somewhere along the line I just got stuck. I notice that people treat me differently, I'm super sensitive to people's body language and I analyze everything.

I cry a lot wondering wtf is wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore. I was bullied a hell of a lot growing up and it made me super insecure. Sometimes I think people avoid me on purpose as if they're scared or don't understand me and would rather stay away from me. I don't see a point in even trying to make friends anymore because most people I know just talk behind eachothers backs and id rather not be apart of it.

I feel like I'm being tormented daily by my own thoughts. My family calls me down a lot and are always lecturing me about my decisions even when I'm just trying to do well for myself.

I have such bad anxiety, for example I will want to do something like go for a walk just to get out of the house but I won't go. I absolutely hate myself at this point.... does anyone else feel this way?

To add more background:
My father is an alcoholic.
My mom doesn't want to talk to me about what's going on with me, she brushes it off and refuses to acknowledge it.
My younger brother and only sibling passed away this passed year. He was my best friend and the one person I felt I could really be my honest self with.
I myself drink but I don't enjoy it like I used to, so I don't really drink much, this year i ended up using cocaine when I drink and it made me feel more confident and it got rid of circling thoughts (I know stupid of me to use it) I'm trying to stay away from it now.

Voting Results
50% Normal
Based on 4 votes (2 yes)
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Comments ( 2 )
  • mia500
    6 years ago

    You sound depressed. I was diagnosed because I was sad and crying every day. I also wanted to disappear, but now that I've made it past that stage I'm happy that never happened. Things definitely will get better even though it seems like they won't now. See a doctor

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  • Boojum
    6 years ago

    I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but what you're describing sounds an awful lot like clinical depression to me.

    Considering the family background you describe, I would not be at all surprised if you were depressed. A lot of people are depressed to one degree or another and they never seek help, but just go through life feeling miserable about themselves. Recognizing that you're in a very dark hole and being unable to climb out of it makes things a lot worse, since it's easy to blame yourself for being too weak to do what you know you need to do. But that's the nature of the illness.

    I'd suggest that you really need to talk to a medical professional about this. If drugs are suggested, go to reputable websites and investigate the benefits and drawbacks of them, but be careful about your sources of information. Some people believe that all drugs to treat mental illnesses are evil and dangerous, but limited use of the right medications can help people get back on an even keel. Once you stop circling around in your own private dungeon, you might be able to see concrete ways to make your life better without the use of medication.

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