Is it normal to think this way about my boyfriend?

I love him. I really do.
Once we fought for 2 months straight. Could not stand eachother but did not want to be apart.
During that time a horrible fight ensued. And we ended up seperating for 2 or 3 months. I told him itd be better have seperate households. Mostly decause after hed say he wanted to be with me, not without... His actions showed different. Like he had a "friend" at work. Like a little secret. A smile he thinks had gon unnoticed but didnt. A smile i couldnt cause. An extra clean shirt for work when he normally didnt care what he wore. Everytime i opened my mouth his thoughtful smile turned to a frown. No matter what i did. 2 weeks later he had become intimate with her. After i agreed to let him save 3 checks to move out. During that time it was hard to kick him out. Id brought him thousands of miles away from his hometown. And he guilt tripped me and played with my head. Anyway Afterwards.. 3 months later We decided to get back together. But since hed been with someone else.. I cant help but feel like i dont belong.
Sometimes he'll go for a hug or a kiss or a cuddle and my immediate reaction is almost disgust. Sometimes i see a woman resembling the one hed been with on tv and i cant stand to be near him. Sometimes its like why tf are you touching me? *stomach turns*. But other times its like i wanna be closer. I wanna forgive him and move on. I wanna cuddle him and kiss him and be how we were wen we first met. Its in the past. He was desperate for a place to stay. But often the feeling of disgust shows its face mid thought.
Its been almost 7 months since he did what he did. And i know i shouldnt feel anyway since he was technically single. But why do i feel disgusted by him? Why cant i ignore that distasteful feeling.. He apologized in many ways. He explained everything in detail (even things i didnt wanna hear). With cops involved for different reason he ended up arrested for a (stupid) unpaid fine. And they added an assault charge for no reason. And everybody knows cuz its a tiny town. Now i wanna change my name so no one knows im associated with him. They alllll know what he did. And becuz of it, i found myself many times thinking how much i hate everyone. And dont trust anyone at all. And if we were to end one day id be single for the rest of my life to avoid this. And So my feelings IIN? Any advice