Is it normal to still be angry?

63% Normal
6 Comments

So, my parents weren't planning on having a child. In fact they weren't even dating. I never minded this much, though. They both went out of their way to raise me together. After my Dad was in a car accident, he got back together with his High School girlfriend (possibly due to the 'I'm mortal!-crisis) and they moved in together. I was six at the time and I don't remember much from that time, but everyone tells me I pretty much adored her. I was always aware that my parents weren't a couple, so there was no jealousy going on. And everything was fine until I was around 11 when my stepmother became pregnant. Well, it wasn't so much the pregnancy. Apparently, I was actually pretty excited about the whole thing, since it wasn't something I had ever seen before and I liked seeing/experiencing new things.

As it turned out though, I really didn't like my (half) brother. He was ALWAYS crying, so obviously that centered every shred of attention my Dad and Stepmom might have otherwise have spend on me, on him. And when he wasn't crying, they were just way too tired to do much with me. This is completely logical, don't get me wrong. But I didn't think so as an 11 year old girl. I remember being angry a lot, especially at my Stepmom and at my brother. In fact, I distinctly remember telling her that she better not dare to have any more children. She didn't, but I doubt it was because of what I said.

Anyhow, the situation didn't get better. My parents thought it would blow over once I got used to my brother. It didn't, though. I never wanted to look at him, touch him, do anything with him. Thank God I wasn't mean at least.

That was also around the time my parents started dicussing sending me to a boarding school (my academics weren't so good and they had actually been debating this for a while) and finally settled on one hours away. Nobody asked me about this, especially since I had to give up my treasured Martial Arts classes. I know, what a sob story.

Since I spent about 80 % of the year at boarding school or with friends, I never got used to my brother. He always felt alien to me, like he was an usurper in a way. I felt like my parents (but my Dad in particular, I always got along with my Mom) had pushed me away in favor of a better and WANTED child. I don't think I've ever really spoken to my brother and I don't see how I could get past this now. I'm almost 22 and he's just turned eleven and when I see him, my stomach just turns. I know that I'm actually angry at my father for pushing me away like this but it seems to have sttled on my brother.

I was thinking if maybe therapy could help here? But I'm going to college in another state an rarely see this part of my family as it is (don't feel particularly sad about this either), so I wonder if ti's worth the potential bother...?

Voting Results
63% Normal
Based on 27 votes (17 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • jimrichy
    10 years ago

    When I started reading your (really quite long) question, my first thought was 'jeeeeez girl, grow up and get a grip'. However after reading fully and putting in a little thought, I can understand your feelings.

    It seems to me that your feelings towards your brother may be more due to anxiety than any actual hatred or dislike. I understand that at first you didn't like your brother, but any reason you had then, surely isn't a reality any more, now that you are a 22 year old, grown woman.

    Perhaps it's that you don't know him. You have spent so little time with him that you haven't had a chance for him to grow on you. I'm sure the idea of spending time with him and getting to know him is probably quite terrifying, but the reality is that it probably won't be too difficult. You may want to make an effort to get over this hurdle and get to know your brother. He is now 11 and pretty soon he will be grown up and have made his mind up about his sister he barely knows, do you want him to think you hate him and then start to resent you? As you get older so will your parents and a time will come when they are no longer around and the only living link you will have to your father and step-mother is your brother.

    I can see that(even though you may disagree) that your early experience of your parents and family life may have set some core beliefs in your mind that have effected the way in which you see and understand the world and the people around you, which may have had an affect on your perception of your brother and how you feel towards him.

    The fact you are asking about this suggests you are at a cross-roads and are considering making an effort to involve your brother in your life. Good on you for making the first move, it may be hard, but you only have one life and family is so important. Some kind of therapy may be helpful for making the first steps and helping you stay strong if and when you experience intense emotions because of the situation.

    Good luck with moving forward, I hope you and your brother can have a good relationship, you both deserve it. X

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Thanks for the (also really quite long :P) reply! Yes, you're perfectly right. The "reason" (if you can call it that) for my dislike for my brother is definitely not an issue any more. I'm pretty sure that it was NEVER about him, actually, and more about my Dad spending significantly less time with me BECAUSE of my brother. But since he was a baby that's hardly his fault.

      It's perfectly possible that I have a somewhat pessimistic outlook on general family life, yes. People keep calling me "cyncial" and recently in combination with a discussion about childrend - which got me thinking and ultimately led to this question. Now, I never really thought much of this whole thing until after I started college and that's also when I realized that my way of dealing with this may not have been ideal (and still isn't).

      I'll see him and my Dad and Stepmom soon for my Dad's birthday. So I'll see if I can maybe make some progress there. Although I assume it'll be extreeemly awkward... well. Only one way past that, I suppose.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    10 years ago

    yes.

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  • boom12345678
    10 years ago

    There is no point in holding a grudge are being angry.shit happens.

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  • londonbridge
    10 years ago

    Normal! but you should make an effort to get to know you're brother it may turn out you get along great and if not oh well you'll be at college anyway

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  • NotStrangeBird
    10 years ago

    You might need to give it more time and let him mature a bit. He did not ask for the situation you described. If you get to know him he might be able to ask/confide things that he cant to his parents.

    Who knows, you might be able to help him out in growing up, and knowing this could help you too.

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