Is it normal to research ways to commit suicide without being suicidal?
I don't want to die. At least, I don't think so. My life is a little rocky right now but not anything I can't work through. I've felt much worse before... But lately, I've been looking up ways to commit suicide. I've measured the point from my highest window and researched how to fall to best be sure to die, or how many of the 50 1g paracetamol pills in my cabinet I'd need to take, or how exactly one would go about it with a good quality, sharp knife.
It almost feels like a safety net. Even if it's a little frustrating to realise that most ways aren't as direct or painful as I'd like. It's kind of a, "just in case" kind of thing. If life gets too dicey in one way or another, well... I'll always have this drill that I know how to use.