Is it normal to not mind being used in this case

50% Normal

Let's say you've had a friend for years and they have serious depression, but get temporary relief by being with you.

You try to be there whenever they need you, even if it means being pushed to your limits - going nights without any sleep while also having work and school, avoiding others, worrying yourself sick (literally) whenever you don't hear from them, and generally being stressed; even though you know they would not do the same for you and probably don't even care, due to their mental illness.

Would you consider this as being used, and is it normal to not mind if it is because you know they probably feel way worse?

Voting Results

50% Normal

Based on 10 votes (5 yes)

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Comments ( 18 )

Hateful1

6 years ago

It's called codependency.

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- RoseIsabella
  
  6 years ago
  
  Yes!
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  thats what i was worried of too. ive been distancing myself because i dont want it to be something weird like that. but at the same time dont wana hurt them at a bad time
  
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Tiaaaa

6 years ago

You should probably look for better friends. I am depressed aswell and Iv dealt with suicidal thoughts/actions all my life HOWEVER this person is most likely bringing you down, you should surround yourself with people who fit the same mindset with you. I'm not saying this person wants to drag you down but it's ending up like that or it will, putting your time and energy to this one person, if this person ever did end up hurting herself it's not your fault, maybe that's why you're still there for them because you think if something were to happen you would be to blame, even if you yourself just thought that, I don't know I could be wrong. You also have a life of your own, you shouldn't feel like your whole life is about helping this person or feeling like a babysitter. You could still be friends with this person but also have a life of your own, slowly drift yourself away from this person and casually make small talk so it doesn't look shady. I also think that you should go with your gut feeling because everyone on here has different opinions, just go by what you think.

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NashamaTheWeird

6 years ago

I had a similar situation when I was only in middle school. My best friend had severe psychological problems. This made things very stressful for me as it was way too much to handle at such a young age and because I was also dealing with my own anxiety and learning differences. She eventually got kicked out of school and I have not been allowed to see her for years now (she is at a residential place the last I heard). Things are definitely better when your life is not revolving around the psychological needs of another person, that said I still think about her sometimes and would like to someday reconnect (and establish healthier boundaries in our relationship).

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Pumpurrnickel

6 years ago

If you know that they wouldn't do the same for you, I don't think you should do so much for them. I would consider this being used.

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rayb12

6 years ago

Maybe you are using them as an escape from your own problems and to make you feel like you are doing good which is a nice feeling to carry afterwards

I don't know if it matters

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  i guess , so then there is no truly selfless act
  
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  - rayb12
    
    6 years ago
    
    There is empathy where it is reciprocal and you see each other as equals. You help them because you really like and appreciate them and do it from a place of love, not fear that they need you or otherwise may do something stupid.
    You have a connection with them and are able to be open, not secretly resenting them. This is the delineation I was making.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      ahh ok. it feels like both to me tho :(
      i like them very much and feel a connection, but also worried they might do something dangerous if im not around
      
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RedDaisy

6 years ago

No I don't think that you are helping them by "making them feel temporarily better when you are there". I think that you have issues and you want to feel better by by "making them feel TEMPORARILY better". If you really cared for them you would try to really help them, or really that you can't and try to make them go to a therapist.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I told them to get real help and Ive been starting to distance myself, saying I cant help them and they need to get better before we can seriously hang out again. im just afraid to let go too hard on them because we were very close and they are going through a hard time, saying things like "i dont wanna live with out you" and how they are suicidal
  
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  - RedDaisy
    
    6 years ago
    
    Do they have parents that you can talk to and tell them to get them to a therapist?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Yes I actually did talk to their parents and they agreed to see someones about all this
      
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RoseIsabella

6 years ago

I would say it's time to start setting boundaries, and to learn how to turn this friend over to the care of God as you understand God, at least to some degree. It's good to care for and help people, but don't let them suck the life out of you.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  Ok thanks, I've been reading about codependency, did npt realize that' what I was doing.. I still like this friend though, would like to stay friends hopefully, we have agreed to let go of some of the unhealthy over attachment and get help
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    6 years ago
    
    You sound like you are on the right path!
    
    Here is a good book to get stared with:
    Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
    by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
    
    I read this book by the same authors and really loved it!
    Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
    Book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
    
    I've also been meaning to read this book as well,
    Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries
    Book by Anne Katherine
    
    ... and finally this book is a good one, and it's pretty much a classic!
    Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
    
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HelicopterDick

6 years ago

Tell them to wank. It's the cure for neurosis.

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Is it normal to not mind being used in this case