Is it normal to not love my stepchild?

83% Normal
13 Comments

I recently married a women, she's smart, beautiful, and is everything I could have asked for. She has a 15 kid though and I don't really love the kid at all (I'm keeping things gender neutral on purpose).

The kid and I have never really "clicked" in terms of being friends or even just acquaintances. The kid seems distant from me no matter how many times I've tried to reach out. I've tried everything from talking to taking the kid out about the town, even talking the kid and my wife to an amusement park. I know the kid never knew the kid's real dad so I figured that may play a role.

Because of this I really don't love the kid in the same way I'd love someone already in my family. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the kid, not at all. I will try to make the kid happy and comfortable, if not for my wife.

This has been going on for the better part of a year and I feel horrible that I can't seem to form an emotional connection with the kid and that the kid either cannot or is unwilling to try to form an emotional connection with me. I'm afraid this will affect my marriage.

Is this normal when you have a step child?

Voting Results
83% Normal
Based on 18 votes (15 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • Terence_the_viking
    7 years ago | pl

    At least you are trying.

    Don't give up, support the kid when they need it but let his mother take the lead when it comes to altercations as the kid could quite easily say something "like stop trying to be my father because you aren't"

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  • scumfuck
    7 years ago

    Don't worry about it. As long as you treat each other respectfully, that's what matters. You can't force someone to like you.

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  • kitty25
    7 years ago

    Perhaps the child not having a father figure in their life is leading to them being unable to relate to one? This was my problem when my Ma got with my step father (I was 16) but as time has gone on and I had my own son I realised how incredibly difficult it must have been. He's an amazing grandfather and I adore him now .. Good luck! :)

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  • Ellenna
    7 years ago

    Stop trying so hard: you've done your best now just leave it alone. You don't have to love him/her and vice versa, just get along with each other and enjoy your marriage to the mother.

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  • riffraffy
    7 years ago

    Why would you ever love another man's child? Though 15 is hardly a child—they're a full-fledged person who you have no influence in helping raise. You'll never be anything more than a meal ticket, so do yourself a favor and stop pretending to be the father of this young man/woman.

    Your wife made a huge mistake with a guy who left her, and this kid is the damaged byproduct. It's unfortunate and a bad situation for a fellow to get himself into.

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    • Ellenna
      7 years ago

      Why do you assume the wife made a huge mistake? The kid's father may have died for all you know and there's no evidence the kid is a "damaged byproduct" - that's a very weird way to describe a human being, by the way.

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      • riffraffy
        7 years ago

        I assume because divorces are far more common than deaths are. By death or divorce, however, this child was raised without a father figure. You may not believe it, but being raised without a dad messes you up on a deep and psychological level.

        'Damaged' is a crude but true way to describe these kids.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      7 years ago

      I want to love them because, whether I like it or not, they're family now, and family needs to stick together.

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      • BetaMale
        7 years ago

        Honestly, this is a pretty bad situation. Especially at this age, if the child was very young and the father long gone (or dead) that's different. This isn't the case. You really aren't going to be anything other than a money dispensing adult that lives with this 15 yr old. And they will never truly listen to you, so be prepared to hear "you can't tell me what to do, you aren't my father".

        There's no turning back now because if there was, I would tell you NOT to marry her. In this day and age in western society men (especially men with wealth) shouldn't consider marriage anyway, but that's a whole different topic.

        I don't think this marriage will last very long, this 15 yr old will be very difficult. Good luck.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          7 years ago

          That's quite a pessimistic outlook. See the kid doesn't hate me, we've never gotten into arguments and I don't ask him to do anything. The think I'm looking for is something akin to a father son relationship, though I know this will never happen to the extent that I would like. For the sake of transparency the kid's dad died before the kid was born.

          As for the marriage nothing so far has impacted it. I've been happily married for a year now and I have to say that the woman I married is worth it.

          Maybe the question I should be asking is how the prognosis looks? Is there a chance, maybe years down the line, where both the kid and I can feel a bond towards each other? I refuse to give up and call it quits, there's too much on the line for me to leave now.

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          • Gurl_Power
            7 years ago

            Alright, well the father not being in the picture AT ALL certainly changes things. I think what you are doing is noble and you have a great outlook. Based on that positivity, you have a very good chance. Your patience and fortitude will be your strength.

            I wouldn't do this myself, but that doesn't make my outlook "correct". I want to tell you that years down the line the kid will be appreciative of you and all you have to offer. The realist in me is still wary, but I think you have a great attitude.

            That counts for something in this crazy world.

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          • Ellenna
            7 years ago

            Why would you even be considering leaving? This kid won't be around for ever anyway and you've done your best by the sound of it. Stop stressing and enjoy your marriage!

            As to the future with the kid, who knows? And what does your wife think about all this?

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              7 years ago

              I'm not considering leaving, I was just trying to say that I'm not going to give up on this.

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