Is it normal to not have talked to anyone about a traumatic experience? (long)
So, a while back I went through a pretty awful experience. The experience alone is probably worthy of seeking some serious therapy, but honestly it's not the event itself, rather the following week that makes me feel so awfully uncomfortable.
I'd like to stress that this question is about the events that followed, but in order to understand - I was in NYC and was raped by two street thugs. I wound up in a hospital, I only vaguely remember walking there. I was rather traumatized and as a defense mechanism I sort of blocked EVERYTHING out.
When I say "everything" I mean the rape, the trip to NYC, my name, my home, my number, my parents, my childhood - EVERYTHING. It all just shut down, I was in a sort of state of shock. The people at the hospital kept referring to me as "the individual" and casually threw around the word "rape kit" what felt like a hundred times. I felt extremely uncomfortable and confused.
I got a bracelet that said "Unknown White Female" and that's who I was for a week straight. For an entire week I had people getting extremely frustrated with me for not being able to name any contacts, or tell what happened to me. They called in the chief of police, a psychiatrist, a social worker... They gave me sodium amytal ("truth serum") and questioned me. Some people were aggressive and accusatory. Others were kind and attempted to help. I was very scared.
I can't really describe what it's like to know that you are a person with a name and a past, but to not be able to grasp at any of your memories. It's like trying to hold water. It felt very surreal. Thinking about it is surreal. Typing about it.
The true horror for me was not the two thugs, or the people I interacted with. It was being locked inside a single hospital room for a week straight not knowing who I was. I was not allowed outside for fresh air. I couldn't call anyone. I couldn't use the internet. I spent at most 30 minutes out of every 24 hour period talking with people, except the specialists they called in once every few days. I was left alone in a sterile prison with a TV playing endless repeats of NCIS and Law & Order SVU. And that was it.
Time lost meaning. When I was thirsty, I drank. When I was hungry, I ate. When I was tired, I slept. People put needles in me. I had an ECG attached to me. Mostly it was quiet, and alone. And I had no memories to accompany me.
I haven't told anyone what happened to this level of detail. Only bits and pieces before they get uncomfortable and start crying. Then I cry. I don't know HOW to talk to someone about it. I don't know WHO to talk to. I just... don't really know what to do about it. The more time that passes, the less people talk to me about it. But I don't think about it any less. Is this "normal" as much as normal could be for this situation?
(also, I normally indulge trolls to some degree, but on this one I'm just going to remove the posts, sorry. I'm looking for genuine replies)