Is it normal to not feel bad for doing something that happend by accident?

My husbands first wife died and he had a portion of her ashes in a small ornate bottle. One day I was home alone and used the bottle as a dildo to pleasure myself analy. Well I never liked the fact that he had a first wife and I was number two. I know I didn't have a reason for my animosity towards her but I still had it. So I started to do it on a regular basis with the bottle I guess it made me feel above her in a way. However now I have a problem. I was playing with the bottle today and when I pulled it out the cap was gone and so was her ashes. I am going to have to make up something to tell my husband now because I can't tell him that her ashes are inside me along with the cap. I have to say though that it don't really bother me. As a matter of fact its kind of a turn on. Am I totally screwed in the head or is this on some level normal to feel this way?