Is it normal to not be affected by love anymore

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26 Comments

In recent years, I have been severely depressed and had CFS also, not to mention no income and no future!

I have a man who really loves me with all his heart. But I find I have flatlined on everything. Nothing excites or interests me anymore and love doesn't affect me. I don't feel anything for anyone or anything much and wouldn't care if I was alone and knew nobody and nobody cared for me. I really don't know why people need love or to be cared for by others actually! Needing others in this way seems to me to be weak and incompetent and something you only "need" when you are a baby or a very old person who can't fend for themselves. I am much more efficient alone and I find love and caring (and sex!) takes up time that could be spent much more productively than sitting around chatting or doing "fun" things. What's the point?

Does anyone else feel such things?

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Based on 34 votes (17 yes)
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Comments ( 26 )
  • NotStrangeBird
    10 years ago

    So what is accomplished in all this spare, productive time?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      A good productive life of course! Reading, writing, exercise, thinking, freedom to do what I want, when I want, daily tasks that you don't want others seeing you do because then they have a bad opinion of you and you feel ashamed by. The list is endless! If I want to do things secretly (diaries, learn divination etc) that mean leaving things laying around, they are not in danger of being discovered or questioned. I could go on about the benefits...

      Sitting around chatting and doing fun things has nothing to show for it at the end of the day and is wasted to my mind.

      Just what does a person get out of being loved and cared for or caring for anyone else- (except maybe problems, time constraints and guilt trips that get in the way of living)? I just don't see or feel it. I find being loved and cared for a burden actually.

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      • disthing
        10 years ago

        I'm confused.

        You just said in another post (http://isitnormal.com/story/is-it-normal-if-i-think-the-existence-of-most-of-us-is-meaningless-165426/) that you think it's a shame we don't have any time to spend on our hobbies or with family and/or close friends? That it makes lives meaningless.

        Then you say time with friends/family and 'doing fun things' (hobbies) is time wasted?

        Make up your mind.

        Also, if you don't think you need that man's support, you should leave him, stop misleading him. He probably has no idea you think he's a burden (how cruel).

        The fact is, most humans are social creatures who enjoy the company of others. Not necessarily all the time, but consistently throughout their lives. They enjoy loving and being loved, because it gives them a feeling of self-worth, of purpose, and gratification. It's an entirely involuntary response, anyway - you don't choose to love.

        If you want to be a hermit because you want to focus on your hobbies whilst dealing with having "no income or future", then you do that. But let that guy go and find a reciprocated relationship in which his love isn't shunned or considered a burden.

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        • dom180
          10 years ago

          On point.

          OP: leave your partner as soon as possible. What you're doing by being in a relationship with him isn't fair on him. He's wasting his time and love on you.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Look again: I did not say that at all! And incidentally, he does not support me as I have my own money. I do not believe in being supported financially by a man and actually, I left a life behind, partly for that reason (ie so he didn't have to support me because of illness). And I would have to do it again if I ran out of money because I would not expect to burden him: that's plain selfish.

          I've always seen this as being responsible ever since my parents were able to quote how much I had cost them and when. So I endeavoured to pay them back what I could manage because it caused them so many difficulties and they couldn't afford to do anything because of the family.

          So I grew up feeling I was a burden to them because of my existence and nothing I said or did made up for that in their eyes or brought them delight- actually, anything I did out of feeling for them was ignored or seen as wrong so I soon learned that these things are not important for survival and actually destroyed my self-worth. I had none out of the interaction- except as a commodity with a financial figure attached to my head. So my parents never wasted money on anything on stupid things "for fun" as it had to be all about survival because of us kids. And our existence made my parents ill. My mum had a severe weight problem because she had given birth and I wasn't even the boy she had hoped for!

          So you see, I simply do not understand how anyone gets self-worth, purpose and gratification from loving or being loved.

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          • disthing
            10 years ago

            By 'that man's support', I didn't mean financial, I meant emotional. You said 'you have a man who loves you with all his heart'. So I'm saying you should let him know you don't need him or want his emotional support, or company, because you find it a burden. Otherwise he's wasting his time on you, and wasting your time, and that's not right.

            You said in the other post:
            "After all that you have a very limited time for yourself! Where is the fun in that? When can you engage in your hobbies? When can you devote time to your family and/or close friends?"

            You said here:
            "I am much more efficient alone and I find love and caring (and sex!) takes up time that could be spent much more productively than sitting around chatting or doing "fun" things. What's the point?"

            So it seems like you're saying... 'Where is the time for people to spend doing fun things and the time to devote to family and friends? Without that life's meaningless.' Then saying... 'Spending time with family and friends is pointless and unproductive, as is chatting and doing fun stuff. It's meaningless.' Seems sorta contradictory don't you think?

            People get self-worth from being loved, because they feel valuable and needed by someone. This self-worth is gratifying. Simple as that.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              10 years ago

              I most certainly did not write that one! You have mixed me up with somebody else! For one thing, I have no living family and I am isolated location-wise and can't drive anywhere so I have no friends to see! Neither do I have the inclination to post bogus information.

              I guess with my upbringing, I simply did not feel valuable and needed- the opposite actually. I was a burden and my presence made their lives financially difficult, wrecked my Mum's health through pregnancy with me and awfully miserable, which I took to heart so much, that I never saw the point in having family of my own. Why repeat something that is so harmful to wellbeing (as it seemed to them and was to be too through growing up treading on eggshells lest I be more of a burden to them)?

              Additionally, I have a personality like Bugsforbreakfast describes because not needing physical and emotional support was a way of lessening the burden on the family and so I believe in the value of independence. I was ridiculed and scolded if I needed any sort of emotional support.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        You are a dangerous human being.

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      • NotStrangeBird
        10 years ago

        It's hard to bleed your brakes alone.

        Sitting around and chatting can lead to a good fuck and a warm body to lie with in the sack.

        I, for one appreciate that. Some don't.

        Plus you can split up the toil and mundanae of daily life.

        If you don't get bored with your journey of nihilistic isolation maybe you'll lose it and your writing will have more 'tragic' street cred for future generations.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          You see, there is nothing whatsoever attractive to me about such degenerate behaviour with another person; it's repulsive actually without a proper love relationship- a bedrock for all kinds of disease and illustrative of the crass times we live in. I actually prefer nihilistic isolation to that behaviour any day!

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          • NotStrangeBird
            10 years ago

            Well who's saying I pick up ten dollar hookers from behind the bus station to help me bleed my brakes and do the dishes anyway?

            Your moral standards are a bit high for me and may be a bit high for the world at large. If it works for you, more power.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    You need Jesus.

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  • Elliemental
    10 years ago

    I don't know if it's your depressive tone but you do sound like a selfish, petulant teenager. It doesn't really sound like your doing anything productive. Your depressed and you need to sort that before your life is just an empty black abyss of miserable nothingness. Good luck.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Depends what you call productive. I mean a tangible end result for one's efforts, something to show eg knowledge, an article etc. That's not selfish, that's self responsibility.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Who can do anything productive whilst in a relationship? It's impossible with other people around!

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      • Elliemental
        10 years ago

        Something productive to do in a relationship? I thought that was obvious, reproduce... Or have fun trying!!

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Not in your late forties it ain't!!!

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      • dom180
        10 years ago

        It might not be possible for you, but other people manage it. You don't have to pour all of your time and effort into your relationship, just enough of it.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Try doing it with chronic fatigue syndrome and menstrual cycles that wipe me out every month! Time and energy is at a severe premium. I literally get wiped out for several days being around people for even a short time. Literally, no energy to give- or receive- with. And yes, I've tried fixing them- spent 30 years trying to with no success!

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  • Lepoop
    10 years ago

    Definatly stress (maybe even some sort of depression)
    Force yourself to try something new, something you wouldn´t think you ever would do and stick with it for at least 3 months. That saved me but too late to save the relationship. Good luck

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  • kawaiigurl
    10 years ago

    i feel this way towards love too. not this intensely, but sometimes i dont see the hype for it. i think this post was your depression talking though

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  • Caryopteris
    10 years ago

    You are situationally depressed. You may need to focus on improving your situation and not on a relationship. I feel sorry for the guy who cares for you, but you don't sound like you have anything to give back emotionally at this time. You should talk to him about this.

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  • chicanapride1041
    10 years ago

    It's normal. Your depression is making you feel like this but we also got to be grateful for the things we have right now before it's too late. But if you just want to be alone then be alone so you can continue doing the things you want. No one's forcing you to stay.

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  • losingfaithinhumanity
    10 years ago

    Your "man" deserves better.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    I think this is normal. It's good to be independent and not need others. While I do like people to like me, I do feel some similarities. I find my hobbies and goals much more important than any emotional needs that most people have.

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