Is it normal to keep this secret a secret from your partner?

28% Normal

I recently started to try out dating online.
I've been on a couple of dating sites and a few dates with different men, and I think I found the perfect man, or so I thought...

We've been dating for two months now, and the relationship was starting to get serious, so I invited him to stay over at my place last week, but he didn't want to stay too long, he left using the excuse that its getting dark outside, but he arrived at 6pm!
But a shock was revealed to me the next day, explaining why he didn't want to get too intimate with me yet, because he's actually a transgender male...
I have nothing against trans people but I wish I knew from the start.

I haven't text him back yet because I don't know what to say. I want kids, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy intimacy with him in the future (just because vaginas don't turn me on), and not really sure how to do it with trans men who's gotten surgery (I don't know if he's gotten it or how to ask him).

My love for him has died a little too from keeping that huge secret from me. But he understands me a lot, maybe because he knows what it was like to be a girl.
Help I really need some advice, I'm so confused.

Voting Results

28% Normal

Based on 29 votes (8 yes)

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Comments ( 28 )

Vauael

7 years ago

Unfortunately, it is normal for people to keep secrets such as these to avoid rejection and humiliation, however, this is NOT the way to start off a romantic relationship! That person should have stated their "status" a loooong time ago! Surgery is very expensive, and while I understand how it works with a male becoming a woman surgically, I do not think its possible to give a woman a penis. I am quite sure they are limited to strap on toys. All that aside, you are probably not attracted to women at all. If that is the case, it is pointless to entertain this idea any further. Shut it down. Do it as tactfully and kindly as possible, but do it. Then hit the bar with friends, try getting out more to interact with real people. Best of luck!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Yeah I'm not into girls, and I understand how it works now, so that definitely wouldn't be a turn on for me.
  
  I'll try to kindly end it with him then, I don't see a clear future for our relationship if I choose to continue.
  
  I'll try meeting people face to face, ha maybe even try to look for potential dates at a bar. .
  
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- (s)aint
  
  7 years ago
  
  Trans men can get a functioning dick.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    7 years ago
    
    Really?!
    I always thought they just got implants for testicals but never knew they could do the same for the penis?
    
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    - (s)aint
      
      7 years ago
      
      The hormones makes citoris grow, then you preform some surgical procedure and creates a small but functional penis.
      
      It works for fucking, not reproducing though xD
      
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      - Anonymous Post Author
        
        7 years ago
        
        Ah I see, yeah too bad it doesn't work for the latter.
        
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- lillygirl
  
  7 years ago
  
  How hard should she hit the bar? I guess not hard enough to break something...
  
  Jokes apart... Yours is a good advice.. I was kind of unappealed by current users till I saw your answer...
  
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felixy

7 years ago

You can't bargain with attraction and pretend to be attracted to what, when it comes down to it, is a woman. End the relationship and don't waste any more of your time.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Yeah good point. I feel more this way now.
  
  Plus wouldn't want to waste his time either.
  
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(s)aint

7 years ago

Since it´s online dating he should have stated the whole FtM thing from the start.

But to a lot of transgenders this is a huge thing, they don´t want to get rejected so quick,

If you liked the person, had fun with them why not try it? You considered them to be entirely male before, right?

The part about getting biological kids though? That I get.

My close friend who is a FtM has stated that whilst he might not be fully open with who he is when he has gotten all surgeries done, he´ll claim to be sterile from the get go.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Yes I really wish he did, save him getting rejected later when more feelings are involved. Kinda like my situation now sadly.
  
  Yes because I thought they were a biological male, but now I know about his past I don't know how to feel. I not attracted to women at all, but I feel like the more intimate we get the less attraction I'll have. Personality and attraction both matter to me equally.
  
  He's a nice person but I don't think the relationship will last starting off with this secret.
  
  Yeah I would to create a family with my
  
  That's good, its good to be honest in a relationship and to let others no about important things.
  
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  - (s)aint
    
    7 years ago
    
    Since you want biological children with the guy you eventually settle for, you can tell him this and advice him to be open and honest about who he is in the future.
    
    A trans guy who's gone through hormone-theraphy and surgery can´t really be told apart from a biological male, it looks really similar! So it wouldn't be a woman underneath.
    
    I think in a lot of cases people just don´t know a whole lot about trans and assume they need to be gay or bisexual to date one, not necessarily.
    
    Apparently this guy pass so well for a male tht you don´t notice.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      7 years ago
      
      Thanks, I think that's the best way to break the relationship.
      
      Yeah the testosterone changed alot, he sounds and looks like a real male. Think he was kinda worried about getting intimate, and that's when he told me he was trans. I was kinda worried too if he hasn't fully transitioned yet then I wouldn't be attracted to the female parts he still has down there.
      
      I'm not into labeling unnessary things. But I guess my sexuality is straight. And yeah I don't want to dwell too much on sexuality but I'm attracted to anything physically male, so muscles, deep voice, broad shoulders, no curves, and etc
      
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      - (s)aint
        
        7 years ago
        
        Honestly? I think you have every right to ask what he has down there. For someone who is only attracted to men it sure is a dealbreaker.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        7 years ago
        
        Yeah that's what got me so confused. I guess it's not rude if it's my partner.
        
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Ellenna

7 years ago

So you "love" this person are two months "dating" on the internet?

And yes, h/she should've told you about the gender issue from the beginning. I don't see any future for you with this person, do you?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  No I don't see any future with him now, and I guess I fell in love hard and fast.
  I am a shy girl in real life, and I find talkimg to people online easier
  
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- Ellenna
  
  7 years ago
  
  Sorry, that should read "after" in the first line not "are".
  
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CorruptedSoul

7 years ago

Gee. It's only been 2 months. It makes sense. Who would've thought someone would get attached to a stranger (and from online of all places) that quick to even think you found a perfect man just like that? Even a year down the road you never truly know someone.

I think dump the girl/guy and find someone else. The fact that you're thinking about giving it a try is exactly why they lied, so you'd be hung up on the fact that you -thought- they were perfect.

You're either into the fact that they lied or not, so cut them clean out of your life or give them a chance

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Maybe that's my mistake, but I can't help but to fall in love hard when I really like someone.
  
  That's true, and thanks for the advidevv
  
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MR.mr

7 years ago

I get why they didn't tell you but that doesn't change the fact it was wrong of them to get close like they did and then spring that on you so no it's not normal.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Because of fear of rejection? But I would have reject them at the beginning as well. Just harder to do that now when I've connected and shared feelings with them.
  
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RoseIsabella

7 years ago

While I can understand why a trans person might want to keep a secret for fear of abandonment I also think this person you've been seeing owed it to you to come clean a long time ago. You're not interested in this person anymore, and that's okay; don't feel bad about it.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Okay, thanks for saying that.
  The guilt just got to me because I felt like I was judging before trying. But not worth wasting my time or anyone else's.
  
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  - EmpatheticMale
    
    7 years ago
    
    That's right. You don't want a strap-on up the butt. You want an empathetic male, and s/he is not it.
    
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Jayemen

7 years ago

Tough one. I knew, then, dated a beautiful, slender, steamy-hot Latino nurse several years ago. Was a former Miss Gay (I don't want to say the state), which I was fine with. Figured she was Bi or, had the occasional guy. Still attracted to her sexually. Made me dinner one night (even showed me her Miss Gay tiera). We started up a bit, things got hot, and, I undid her pants to have at, what I expected would be, a normal, female part.

Nope. She was in the middle of transitioning, and, it was a mess down there. I wasn't sure whether to throw up or just get the hell out of there. Handled it well, even though felt lied to, backed off/got off of her, and said had to go. Think she knew it freaked me out finding out that way. We stayed friends until she moved, but, never pursued anything, at all, sexual again. I just couldn't.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  7 years ago
  
  Yeah I'm worried I might have a similar reaction if I saw what he really had down there. And it still was a shock to me even when I was told later in the relationship. Secrets shouldn't be kept for too long or hidden forever if they're gonna have some effect on a relationship, wish he had the same mind set.
  
  I ended our relationship with him now, but I did say we can remain as friends. But I tend to drift apart from my exes, but that doesn't really bother me since they're just an ex to me.
  
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  - Jayemen
    
    7 years ago
    
    That night was one weird, odd occurrence. She and I were friends, worked a few files together, and, I did find her very attractive and hot. Saw the tiera, knew she had to be full woman down there, and, almost swallowed my own tongue when saw what the hell was going on. A taped mess.
    
    I remember my drive home, being all freaked out once in the privacy of my car..Thinking, what the hell was that? Did I just go after a guy's dick? Or, was this transition thing just too much to handle, mentally?
    
    Talked to her a few more times, and that was about it. Even now, thinking about it..I'm a bit freaked out that I took it that far.
    
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal to keep this secret a secret from your partner?