Is it normal to keep someone's letters/emails after they have passed away?

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21 Comments

Someone very near and dear to me, who had made my life so much better when they were around, recently passed away.

Now I'm in a conundrum because I can't bring myself to deleting this person's emails so I can get past the grieving but then I'd lose the only thing I have left of them.

It reminded me of my own mortality and the finitude of my existence. I'm just trying to live my life better and more fully than before, particularly since I'm middle-aged now though I look and feel like I'm in my 20s.

Anyways, would you keep those emails as mementos and be reminded of the pain of losing that person or delete them? Then feel guilty over erasing their memory? It's a tough one. Please have some respect and avoid making jokes in this thread.

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84% Normal
Based on 51 votes (43 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I agree with everyone else. Keep them, at least for now. I believe you'll want the option to be able to look at them if you ever feel compelled.

    My grandma passed away seven years ago. I only have a few photos of her but they're of when she was younger. I got a call from my mother a few weeks ago and she mentioned that she had the bangles my grandmother always use to wear and if I wanted them. She wore them every day. Of course I'm going to take them, they'd be the only sure memory I have of her. And now I'm crying. I do this every few years. I'm reminded of her by something and I cry but it's a good cry and I thank you. :)

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      You're welcome and thanks for sharing your story of your grandma.

      I honestly don't want to get to the point of crying, though I did each of the 3 times we broke up in our relationship. I haven't cried yet over this person's loss though I felt quite awful.

      I guess crying helps sometimes but it's those sad feelings I want to avoid-at least until I'm ready to face them. My life is fairly busy right now so I can't really stop for that either.

      I feel fortunate that I have a good network of family and friends-so it's easier to cope with the loss of someone close to you.

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  • howaminotmyself
    11 years ago

    Print the emails, delete them, then burn them and say goodbye. Let the fire consume your sadness and grief and leave you with closure. If the memories only upset you, don't hold onto them. Let them go and say goodbye. I am truly sorry for your loss. Find a way to honor their memory, you cannot mourn it forever.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Thanks, your thoughts are appreciated. With a few mouse clicks I can erase everything-but that's all I have of the person.

      Ya I guess it'd probably be difficult to read older emails of the times we laughed and shared fun experiences together. The anticipation of when we'd meet next and so on. I'll admit that this person was a former lover of mine who also became a great friend.

      I think for now I'm just going to leave them be-because once the emails are gone, it's forever (I could never get them back) and maybe in the future (like a year or so) I might be emotionally strong enough to read them in a more detached/dispassionate way.

      I should add that I'm not in a puddle of tears over this or anything like that. I am upset but I believe I'm over the grieving of their loss. The first day I found out hit me the hardest but I'm better now.

      Sometimes the best thing one can do is nothing-just wait and come back to the problem later on.

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      • Justsomejerk
        11 years ago

        I like Howami's idea, delete them when you have a hard copy, then delete the hard copy ceremonially.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          I think that's something I'll do when I decide that I want to let the person go forever. There might be a day in the future I'll do that, but at this time I want to hold on to their memory a little longer.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Wow, that's heavy.

    Keep them safe until a day comes when you are ready to view them again, even if that day never comes.

    If you delete them, you'll eliminate your choice to ever read them again and you may actually want to one day. You never know how you'll feel about it in a decade or two (or longer). You never know how cracked your memory will become when you are old and how much tangible memories like photos and emails will be. Keep them, you'll have nothing to regret if you do.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Thanks, I concur and well said. Keeping the emails almost feels like the person is still alive. Once I delete them it'll feel very finalistic.

      It's a funny thing, we were great lovers and towards the end we had some blow-out arguments. But then just as this person knew they were dying (from cancer), I sensed it too, we got our chance to say our final goodbye and share our feelings of how we felt about each other.

      We actually hadn't talked for a long time but I decided to start things up and my timing couldn't have been better because he/she (I prefer to keep it gender neutral) only had a couple of months to live.

      If this person passed away, I think it would've been far worse because I wouldn't have been able to clear the air and say what one would to a great friend/lover who is dying. So that meant a lot.

      I really don't look forward to the passing away of close family. With friends I'll miss them, but I don't think I'll be as broke up over their loss as someone like a lover/spouse or family member.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        That's really special that you had the chance to say goodbye and talk about the past together. It's not often that people are afforded such an opportunity.

        It's interesting that you sensed it and felt compelled to reach out. And good that you didn't dismiss the instinct because so many people do and miss out.

        I wanted to add one more thing. In your future relationship(s), if it ever comes up, don't allow anyone to bully you into eliminating those emails. Some might feel threatened by it and ask you to do something like that, but don't do it - they are just being unfair in their insecurities.

        I'm sorry for the loss of your lover/friend.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          I appreciate your kind words. Indeed, I was just very fortunate to give my "last respects' to the person directly while they were still alive, rather than in a eulogy while weeping over their grave.

          I just happen to be a highly intuitive person-lucky gift I was born with and serves me well in my relationships and career. I'm also glad I tuned in at the right time.

          Mind your this gift of intuition is also a double-edge sword, I can sense bad things about to happen and it usually turns out to be right (though not always which is a blessing in a way).

          Thanks for your advice-I think those who had suggested to delete the emails were well-intentioned but perhaps this is how they would try to cope with the loss of a loved-one.

          I value everyone's opinion here and it helped me to weigh it out better and to your credit (and those who shared your perspective), I have also felt it's best to hold onto the emails for now, until one day I am ready to let them go (if ever).

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          • [Old Memory]
            11 years ago

            Glad to hear it. :)

            Just to clarify though, I wasn't referring to the other commentors here who suggested you delete them, I was talking about people who you might be romantically involved with in the future. They might not understand and be angry if they knew you kept letters from a former lover (deceased or not); some people are jealous of past relationships and refuse to tolerate any reminders of their partner's past experiences.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago

              No problem, even if you were referring to others, I know you meant well and that's all that counts. Also I do like strong, even contentious opinions because they help you look at things from a different perspective sometimes.

              But I agree with you, I'd probably just keep this to myself anyways unless I was planning to get married-then I might share that information with the future spouse.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    11 years ago

    Fwiw, here's my follow-up to my original post above that I wrote many months ago. I've mostly gotten over my ex-lover's loss and I can now see the emails without feeling discouraged or overwhelmed.

    I'm also glad that I kept the emails. Additionally I realized that our relationship had it's good and bad times, my lover wasn't perfect, so there's some negative elements I won't miss, but overall it was a very good relationship and I'm hoping I can find someone similar in the future.

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  • Devilsno1angel
    11 years ago

    I have a box with special things tht make me laugh, cry and smile id print them off and keep thm save gd luck sorry 4 ure loss x

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      "gd luck sorry 4 ure loss x"

      Thank you and sorry for my late response.

      "I have a box with special things tht make me laugh, cry and smile id print them off and keep thm save"

      That's wonderful having the box with your special things and it's a good thing you did that. I wish I kept some precious keepsakes left to me by previous lovers, including this one.

      But I'll probably do that from now on. I still can bring myself to look at the emails but they're there and once enough time has passed then I might check them.

      Best wishes xo

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  • kingkenobi
    11 years ago

    Keep them. The ones we love never truly leave us, as there is more than one form of immortality, such as these emails which represent memories of your friendship. Print them out, and save them. Think of them as a living part of your close friend.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      yes when I read them, it feels they are still alive to me. I guess it's the same with home videos-which probably has a greater impact.

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  • mercede
    11 years ago

    keep them for as long as you want. Its nice to reminise on the memories it helps keep their life living after they have stopped

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Indeed, however the reminiscing will always be bitter-sweet.

      If the relationship taught me anything (and not to sound like a cliche) is that one has no control over anything, so one should just enjoy life and the people you have near you, because one day, this carnival called life will inevitably come to an end.

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  • thanksforthefreecar
    11 years ago

    Print several copies of them off and don't delete them. When it comes to keeping things like that, I always say better safe than sorry.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Yes one can always decide to delete them-but it's impossible to bring them back if one changes their mind.

      It's just a little tough because our email exchanges go back over many years. On the one hand it's easier to close the door on that relationship and walk away from it, yet it was a significant part of your life that you'd throw away. So I'm going to hang onto them for now.

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