Is it normal to have such severe intimacy issues

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Whenever i'm with someone i'm seeing myself from my old bullies eyes and feeling that the person im with is just being my friend or date as a joke. It makes me defensive and bitter. I cant handle the tiniest criticism, I will bite back and being observant I know peoples weak spots.
All I want is connection, vunerability, understanding and love.
I know I always blame everyone and take no responsibility. If im seeing a guy who, like me, isnt amazing at communicating and he ever says a word about needing to work on our communication I reply something catty and cut him out of my life because he dared to brush on a difficulty of mine and bully me. I get angry and horrible thoughts race in my head....
I am scared of having sex , and get pissed off when guys dating me want it.I like to tell them about my male friends and tell them with other words that they're inferior to my friends because my friends actually respect me. I also tend to run to any one of my guy friends when a guy i'm talking to "romantically" comes too close. The intimacy terrifies me and since i'm an avoidant that isn't something i'd ever even think of admitting as I never show vunerable traits such as fear. What I do is I manage to convince myself that im probably in love with a friend of mine and start to spend increased time with him while increasingly neglecting the guy I was talking to. It's confusing for me also because I convince myself in the moment that it's my friend I have feelings for. It's like my intimacy issues are so severe they have a life of their own, taking over and controlling me. It's happening right now again and I feel....paralyzed. I didnt even want to go through this again, I wanted to wait until ive had more therapy, but a guy showed up in my life that ive regretted doing this to in the past and of course now my mind is trying to convince me im in love with a friend of mine ive already come to the conclusion I dont have feelings for, not to mention we're incompatible as we want opposite lifestyles. I guess I am being challenged to go against my impulses. Ive never heard of anyone having problems this big before

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Comments ( 3 )
  • RoseIsabella
    2 years ago

    You're bringing all your problems on yourself, you are your own worst enemy. Sorry, but I ain't gonna lie to you to be polite. The guys you date aren't to blame on this one, girl.

    You NEED to stop dating entirely, and concentrate all your efforts on working on yourself, and therapy!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Um yeah , did I ever say anything else .... I asked if its normal to have these problems this much. Read

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      • RoseIsabella
        2 years ago

        No, I don't think it's normal. I'm no expert, but it seems like you must have lived through a lot of trauma, and abuse to be so hot, and cold on this business of intimacy, and relationships.

        I hope you're seeing a good therapist, and I certainly do wish you all the best. However, I also think that you are not capable of having a romantic relationship with a partner right now, because of your constantly fluctuating moods, inability to be consistent. Maybe you have a personality disorder?

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