Is it normal to have a first kiss and lose your virginity in one night?

Now, I've never had a boyfriend before. I haven't even have had a first kiss before, and I've always wanted the experience. And I was even considering sex. I've just always been curious. Of course, there was alcohol. I go with him. We talk, play drinking games. I knew noone at the party. I'm pretty alone this summer. All my friends from my freshman year were back home.

Later on, this guy kisses me. I remember looking behind me quickly and some girls looking grossed out, and now that i look back, I feel like we were the only ones hooking up.

Then he goes on about how he has no where to stay and one thing leads to another and I say he can stay with me. I was curious about sleeping.. cuddling with him in bed... not really sex. But I didn't make that clear until when we were in my room and I said NO SEX, k?

More stuff happens. We're making out. our clothes come off. His thing was huge and I thought why not? I change my mind. Condom magically appears thanks to a friend of his he calls..

I used him. He used me. I liked how it felt when he held me, but he was rough with the sex. Many different positions and I just went along with it and now I feel VERY stupid for going along with it because my butt is hurting. I was nauseous too the next morning and I had to look that up on the internet (it was because he was so rough). I was scared.

Speaking of the next morning, he wanted to do it again, and when I told him I was sore down there (I had come back from the bathroom where I pee-ed blood; I actually was surprised my hymen was broken because I thought it had broken on another occasion.) he said he didn't believe me. But we didn't have sex again.

At one point he pinned my arms above my head and he tightened his grip when I moved. I couldn't tell if it was good or bad because he was kissing me. But it was sadistic, and its scary, because I have taken a class on misogyny and how it comes out in porn. But for some reason it felt ok. BUT IT SHOULDNT

I had spontaneous sex. Its probably the closest relationship I've had with any boy. I wasn't expecting anything from him. I didn't want to see him again. I don't think I will too.

I didn't enjoy sex because it hurt so bad. I did enjoy the kisses and the hugs.

But I feel hollow. Its been roughly two days and its almost healed down there . I can't get it out of my mind, and I'm not remembering the good things about it as much as I'm remembering the bad. Wasn't happy at all while I washed out the blood from my bedsheets.

I really wish I could forget it. There was no love in it. I don't like where its left me.

I can't tell my friends about it because I'm not sure they'll understand. I told my mom, because I was getting upset from the memory, and I had to hang up when she told me I just went off and let myself get raped.

I don't really care if this is normal or not.

I just want to know how to feel better about it.