Is it normal to give someone less than you give them and call it equal?

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So today I learned that people see different amounts as equals. Let me explain:

I have had trouble with my bf about how he gives me less than I give him. Yet, he claims "you give what you get when it comes him." That was annoying to hear because hes basically not following his rule. I wasn't sure if he is just blind or acting clueless to get away with it because I have given him almost everything and he can't see that or he thinks its not enough, I don't know. However, I then came to the fact that there are some things he's done that surprise me which might be his way of returning the love I give him. It might not be as much as I give him, but what he does, in his eyes, add up to the same value. I never saw it that way. So for ex, the things he doesn't return back to me are texting me as much I text him, talking to me as sweet as I talk to him, bringing up plans as much as I bring them up, giving me thoughtful gifts as thoughtful as the ones I give him, etc. The things he does do that mean something to me though are coming to see me even at a time crunch or last minute, putting his phone away like far from us when hes with me, and then like bf things like paying for dinner or food in general for both of us.

Someone had said that he probably over-values his contributions and doesn't realize he sees them as equal as my contributions.
If he does though, is this acceptable? or should he reach up to my level? Is this even normal or common to do something and you don't realize that you consider it as equal to something possibly more valuable? It's kind of like one thing he does for me means three things I do for him.

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Based on 8 votes (4 yes)

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Comments ( 24 )

JD777

8 years ago

Your post makes you sound like you're high maintenance and keeping score. Maybe that's not the case, but if he's getting the same impression it's going to make him less and less incentivized to give to you.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I actually see myself as a doormat considering all the things I've given him and he takes advantage of it and of him not having to give me more. That's how I feel but then it could also be that he is giving the most he can which "adds up" to the amount I give him. And again, it feels good and natural to give him almost everything. I don't have like some hidden motive
  
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CountessDouche

8 years ago

Stop keeping a running tally. That's a fast way to destroy a relationship. You should do kind things for your partner because you care about them, not because you expect things in return.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I do the things for him cause I care about him but once you realize it's not getting reciprocated, you get kind of discouraged.
  
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dirtybirdy

8 years ago

Wow. I can't even put into words how ridiculous this sounds to me. Your examples are so childish. He doesn't text you as often as you text him? Good grief. And "the boyfriend things like paying for dinner or food in general for both of us". Ya know what, I'm just gonna walk away now before I puke.

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chained_rage

8 years ago

Whore

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thegypsysailor

8 years ago

I'm with the Countess on this one. A loving relationship is about giving, not what you think you should get out of it.
If you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, then you need to move on, not try to keep score.
Everybody has their own way of showing affection and trying to get someone you supposedly love to be someone other than who they are, is a foolish and fruitless endeavor.
Good luck, but I'm afraid this one is just not meant to be.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I mean I said I learned this so I'm kind of willing to accept that he shows his love in a different way.
  
  But I have to talk to him first and see if this is the case. Until then, I question if I am just not enough for him to put more effort. Even though he says he is showing me his affection is his own way, I fear that he'll one day meet "the one" and he'll be putting way more effort for her so in the end, I was never that girl for him.
  
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Aries

8 years ago

This post was extremely vague and unclear . What I did get from it , is you are keeping score? It would seem to me that's a poisonous game to play . I agree with partners giving and receiving , it's a two way street but then it just sounds more like your relationship values are not in sync . If you two are not alike in any way or value the same type of contributions to the relationship as a whole and as one .. why the hell are you even together? I had a similar issue , she didn't make me happy so I simply left . I don't think fighting with him is going to make a difference ? he is who he is and if doesn't appeal to you .. I am not sure why you started dating him . I think you need to figure out what a real relationship and love consists of and stick to it .

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Plus, if anyone is "keeping score" its him. Hes the one who says "you get what you give" no you should give me everything you feel like giving me. So if he is giving me everything he can give me then okay but if hes just giving me the amount I give him, according to his eyes and values, to be fair, then yeah he's the one keeping score.
  
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  - Aries
    
    8 years ago
    
    It's pretty clear to me two things . You don't have even the slightest inkling of who I am as a person or partner and second , you made this post but seem to have trouble accepting the answers . You clearly just wanted a set of answers you predetermined to be helpful and not our genuine advice . If you don't like the answer I gave you , then why did you ask the question? your post was 70 percent longer than necessary , if you are unhappy with how he treats you , simply offer him an opportunity to change and make things work or do as I already mentioned ... and move on. If you can't do this , you have more problems with relationships than you think .
    
    best of luck with that .
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      Nope.
      1) You don't know me either and your answer sounds to me like you're judging me like those girls who don't want to hear it and want a justification for their behavior when I am actually being really cooperative and willing to hear everyone's input.
      
      2) It's NOT that I didn't like your answer. I am clarifying where I was coming from since you said it was too vague. Did I not just say that I want to see if he is giving me everything he can and if he is, considering people show their love in their own way, then I'll ACCEPT it. Thats why I wanted to see if it normal/possible for people to consider things at different levels of value, and if its yes, okay so Im going to talk to him which yes I am giving him and us the opportunity to make it work. You make it sound like I said "no I want more from him or at least the exact same effort as I put in the relationship."
      
      3) You said you simply left cause she didn't make you happy so that sounded like you gave up easily. But I guess that was after you tried to work it out a few times, or at least thats how I am before I just leave.
      
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      - Aries
        
        8 years ago
        
        you seem upset and the reason for it is beyond me . It all comes down to exactly what you said and exactly what I said . The bottom line is , if he isn't giving you everything you want and need regardless of who he is .. then maybe he isn't who you thought you wanted . It's not hard for people to change and try harder for their partner so if he doesn't fully satisfy you .. I don't believe you should be in the relationships . I think offering the opportunity to change and make things work is sufficient enough . My advice was to defend you and get you what you deserve so I wouldn't be too upset by my responses if I were you .
        
        like I said .. best of luck .
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        I think at the end of the day, we're both being stubborn to admit the other one is right which is both of us. So we agreed that if he is giving me everything he can then Ill accept it not ask for more. The last thing I want is to find out he wasn't into me enough to put in more effort so if the case is he is putting all the effort he can then great.
        
        Thanks though
        
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I'm trying to see if its possible that people see value in different things and if it is which it seems that it is, then thats all I need to know in order to move on with my boyfriend. I'll accept it and that's it. Fighting won't solve anything but talking about it will. Some will easily give up in their relationship which it seems like thats the type of person you are, but I'm not like that. I like to work things out, kind of old school.
  
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LuxM4G

8 years ago

Well, it's subjective and relative to me based on that information. You should tell him how you feel about it, if he cares about you he will explain you, and could even try to make it up for you and change his attitude towards you overall. I understand your concern though.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I can kind of sort of tell the things he does for me mean something for him. Like paying for food in general is not just cause, it's cause he wants to so I better appreciate it. Or letting me stay at his place over the weekend should mean something to me because it means a lot to him so again, I better appreciate it. Although he's given me less thoughtful gifts than the ones I have given him, or he talks to me less than I talk to him, he believes the stuff he does do are valuable and doesn't do it just for any one.
  
  It is subjective so as for me, I can't really relate since I haven't felt the way he feels in my past relationships. So yeah I think I'll have to ask him curiously without instigating something, if all the things he does do for me mean something as much as I learned them to be. I'll have to ask him in a way though, that doesn't give him a free pass to keep half-assing it.
  
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  - LuxM4G
    
    8 years ago
    
    The best you can do is to shake the tree to see if any emotional response comes of it. You seem to love him and care for him, you expect to receive the same reciprocal emotional response and effort to match, but like Gypsy said, everyone has a different idea of showing affection.
    
    Perhaps you show him your love more intensely but that doesn't mean he loves you less or that your not "the one".
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      Yeah he def has his own way. I wish somehow I can see him with another girl who he really likes and treat her the same way as me. If he does, then I'll know its him and not me. But I fear he would put more effort into someone he really likes so that would mean hes not that into me. Although he has mentioned he's had a past where his exes have confronted him about the same issue so most likely it is him which I would be willing to accept but I'd have to know for sure.
      
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      - LuxM4G
        
        8 years ago
        
        Allright, don't hesitate to confront him when you feel the need to. I also needn't remind you that your both still very young and maturing. Enjoy your loving relationship and don't worry about trivial matters aslong as you feel fulfilled.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        Well (sorry to keep bothering BTW) that's the thing is I started not feeling fulfilled since i noticed these matters. I feel like he doesn't deserve everything I'm giving him so I've held back to not feel taken advantage of.
        And he's also in his late 20s but acts like he's still in his early 20s. So i think he should be able to emotionally communicate in a mature way but no he's emotionally immature and I'm kind of dealing with that i guess
        But the talk will come and hope it doesn't turn into anything dramatic and well clear things up.
        
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal to give someone less than you give them and call it equal?