Is it normal to feel bad about having people in your life?

I never know what they want. I constantly let them down just by being myself, and it hurts me way worse than it hurts them. They tell me how I have hurt them so badly but then a couple days later they act like they are totally fine while I remember hurting them for years and feel like I should hurt myself to prove I'm really sorry. is it normal and what should I do about it? I am so lonely but at the same time feel so uncomfortable having people in my life, that I feel like I should be in pain or gone away forever just to prove how bad I feel. I have even "punished" myself by forcing myself to have panic attacks. I only did it out of superstition that "god" or "the universe" or whoever (I am not religious) will believe me and let the people know that I do feel bad since they won't listen to me. All my feelings, even love, are consciously generated. I don't know what it's like to naturally feel anything towards people, other than this guilt feeling that I should be in pain for all that I have inadvertently caused by existing in their presence.