Is it normal to be so bitter?

To be honest, when I was younger, before 7th grade, I was a very happy person. I didn't have a lot of friends, but the ones I had I was happy with. Though, the second I left to North Carolina, moving up to seventh grade, I became a very mean and bitter person.

I would get into a lot of fights with this one guy in my school because he was a bully and I used to step in everytime he tried to tease or beat the crap out of someone. I only had three friends, one of them was because I had protected him from Harrison (the bully), the other two just kind of appeared out of nowhere and we became friends. Though, I tried to keep myself to be distanced.

I'm honestly a person who wears their heart on their sleeve, and I'm actually very caring. Though, I guess certain people can sniff out when you're that kind of person and just hiding behind a tough appearance to keep others at bay, and it's not the good kind of people.

I've never been able to keep a friendship for longer than a year, and the longest relationship I had lasted a month, but that was because he was upse that I wouldn't hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc. with him.

I'm the kind of person that pretends to be tough mentally, and act like things don't hurt me when they really do. And, over the years, I've just become such a mean person. Sure, I still have that soft side, but I'm just so blunt to people sometimes.

I literally tell myself year after year, "I won't make friends this hear. I'll make sure of it, because all they'll do is use me like every other person," but I just can't do it. I feel bad ignoring people, but I also don't want them to get close because I've just had myself used all the time. I was used for protection, I was used so they could rant to someone, I was used as a stepping stool, I was used to copy homework or for me to do their homework, etc. I've never had my feelings taken into account before by anyone, not even with my mom and my dad who are both divorced, living with their own girlfriend and boyfriend now.

My mom would always tell me when I was younger when I asked for help with something or if I needed something, "I'm too tired," or "Grow some balls." So, I eventually become independent. I never ask her for money, I never ask her for materials, and I never ask her for help. I'm always doing things by myself and I always pretend like everything's fine when it's not. I get very stressed pretty easily, but I always say, "I'm fine. Everything's the same." And everyone just goes with it.

I know it's selfish to wish for someone to notice that I'm not okay when I say I an, but, I mean, I don't know...

Just, over the years, with all the deaths and betrayals I've just come to hat everyone and everything.