Is it normal to be a very sensitive guy when it comes to sex?

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43 Comments

This is extremely difficult to come out about for me. I am 21 years old, and for the past year I have been in a relationship. She is 18 and she loves sex. I however, rather have cuddles, affection, massages, kisses, romantic movies, co-op gaming, listening to music together etc.

My girlfriend however gets upset that I want her to cuddle me and love me affectionately.

I just really love being held and loved.

I feel it is really upsetting because I am prominent in my sexual area, yet I feel like I am doing all the effort and loving.

I am not completely innocent as I have had sex numerous times and have pleased her on immense levels.

It just seems that she is too shy and not affectionate so it disheartens me.

It is really strange that I wish for a affectionately clingy type of girl.

She wants to be loved rather than loving, but she loves me unconditionally.

It just seems selfish that I want to be loved so much.

Is it normal to want to have an abundant amount of innocent pleasure?

In my own opinion, sex is nothing compared to cuddling with the one you love.

I love giving affection as much as receiving, I just feel left out and have expressed this to her and get a "you don't understand me, you are going to have to wait" response.

I just feel used for my prominent size, super affectionate personality, and feel unloved.

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78% Normal
Based on 55 votes (43 yes)
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Comments ( 43 )
  • dom180
    9 years ago

    It seems like there are two distinct but connected issues going on here. The first is that you prefer non-sexual affection, the second is that you want a partner who gives a lot of that affection.

    I think it's totally normal that you prefer non-sexual affection. As for the second issue, it's hard to tell from your perspective whether you are asking for too much from her or if she is a black hole for love and affection, or if it a combination of the two. In either case, I would think about whether this relationship is enough for you forever, and make a judgement call between breaking up and carrying on. If this relationship as it is right now isn't enough to satisfy you I would consider breaking up, even if you are in love. Never expect people to change.

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    • Saycheese
      9 years ago

      I agree with this comment.

      You two seem to have two different opinions on love and affection. I see two rights that are not the same in this situation. If she won't choose to change to love you more then it is the wrong relationship to be in.

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      • SilencedNephilim
        9 years ago

        Well I can not force her to change, and we have so much in common.

        I guess I am just exhausted from being the supporter in the relationship for almost a year now.

        It's not a necessity now, I just don't want it to become where she is null and void in the future.

        She is so different then when we first met.

        She was so happy and awkwardly cute and had so much more love.

        She is letting her stress of her past and present affect her drastically.

        I am just trying to hang in there with her no matter what, because I do care about her.

        I just don't know why she will have sex, but not the easy simple affection.

        Why is she willing to have such high levels of affection, but not put in any effort anymore?

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        • Saycheese
          9 years ago

          No, of course you will not be able to force anyone to change, it's her choice.

          My question is does she have a therapist to help her with her emotions?

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          • SilencedNephilim
            9 years ago

            Yes, she see's a counselor.

            But she is a very shy introvert type of person.

            Also her family makes it harder to connect with the said therapist.

            Her family is mentally disturbed, and I think the stress is ruining our relationship.

            She is letting her feelings get the best of her.

            I just hope that it is not a permanent issue, I have gone through similar trials and struggles *even now*

            I just don't understand why she is very open with sex and not simple ways to show affection.

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            • Saycheese
              9 years ago

              I have a very gut feeling why she behaves that way is because she didn't get the affection from her family. People who are loved so much from their families are normally the ones who are more self assured and loving.

              It's a past trauma that has affected her present feelings.

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  • setti234
    9 years ago

    Either you are to clingy or she is to cold. As yourself honestly what the answer to this is. Make the changes required or don't and find someone else .

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  • PulvisEtUmbra
    9 years ago

    Another So Cal boy, huh? I'm very proud of you, for what it's worth. The only advice I can give you beyond what I already have is to simply take some time alone, in a setting where you won't be disctracted, put on a record or playlist that you can tolerate for an hour or so without switching the songs, sit down and really reflect on yourself, her and your relationship. You already have the answers you're looking for, you just have to find them. The hardest part about saying goodbye or breaking up with someone is living with yourself afterward. Can you live without her? After leaving her? Don't think about the pain of the break, even the most terrible relationships hurt both parties when they break. And try talking with her about it. Communication is a huge factor in the failure of potentially great relationships. Guys like you are hard to find and girls have such a hard time getting so lucky, too many get stuck with asshats. Don't go wasting your love on someone who won't love you back. You deserve so much more.

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      Of course I can live without her.
      I am neither desperate or clingy.
      I just know that I love affection.
      By all means I could setup my playstation, watch anime or Netflix, eat pizza and blast old school techno, and cuddle with random people.
      The thing is that I am trying to give her what she claims she never had.
      A really great boyfriend.
      But if she has no intention on changing, then I will bid adieu and continue doing what I love.
      Either she, or someone else will appreciate what I have to offer.
      Only time will tell.

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  • Holzman_67
    9 years ago

    I wish you the best man hope it works out for you

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      Thank you kindly Holzman.

      I appreciate the moral support.

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  • Aliceee93
    9 years ago

    Who are you?! Most guys round me only think about sex, and don't care for cuddles and doing other things together..

    Some people do love sex, some hate it, some love cuddles and that, and some don't.. We're all different, are you sure this girl is right for you?

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      I am an independent man with morals, self-confidence, self-discipline, self-esteem, and very sensitive.

      And as far as the girl, I am the kind of guy that sees relationships like ships.

      Your partner is your captain.

      Sometimes small issues "holes" happen in the ship.

      The captain can either guide you to repair the ship or ignore it.

      When the holes become larger, and more prominent issues, this is typically when 90% of partners abandon ship.

      Bid adieu.

      I am that guy who stays on the ship until it has sunk into the ground.

      I try everything I can to repair it before abandoning the relationship.

      I am also Irish, so that may be why I am so stubborn and dedicated/faithful in relationships.

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      • Aliceee93
        9 years ago

        I like that :)

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        • SilencedNephilim
          9 years ago

          Hah, well would you believe me if 99% of women in southern California loathed my personality growing up?

          I have kept my integrity because I know just because I am nice does not entitle me to receive the same kindness or obligate others to show the same kindness in return.

          However, it does not excuse their malcontent and malicious behavior.

          Nor does it mean that I have to be Mr. Nice guy.

          But alas, I am nice because that is who I am genuinely.

          So tired of superficial people in general though.

          It is sure overwhelming in Southern California.

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  • PulvisEtUmbra
    9 years ago

    Well, now you're just being too picky. Haven't you ever heard that beggars can't be choosers? Just kidding, hahah. I am actually exactly the same type, like, I would heve ended up typing this out word for word as my own question, at some point. I've been that waysince I was twelve and I'm now twenty-six. The only advice I can give you is this..
    If you can't love her for who and what she is now, and it is NOT love if you're not fulfilled in the way she is emotionally, sexually, et cetera toward you, than I recommend breaking up. Otherwise, you're in for an eternity of feeling alone, no matter how close you two get. Unless you can learn to adjust. She could really just need time. My fiancée was the same way.. It took her fourteen years to finally open herself up emotionally, however, it may have only been due to the fact that she was ill. There are tons off possibilities and potential outcomes for your situation. It's just up to you to figure out if you wish to grin and bear it until you realize it's hopeless or just cut it off. And I know I suggested breaking up, but do not break up because some random asshat recommended it. That's a regret that you don't want. I hope this helps and good luck.

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      She changed drastically from the day we were together.
      She used to intentionally push me away from her life.
      Her past relationships have been the most dense smog in our relationship.
      I really love her, I just want her to open up to me like how it used to be.

      It's better feeling lonely than being with someone that makes you feel alone.

      I just don't know what to do at this point.
      I really don't want this to end.
      I don't know how she can better herself.

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  • hauntedbysandwiches
    9 years ago

    Sounds normal but also sounds like that girl is not your type.

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  • Mersaphe
    9 years ago

    First of all OP, great post. I agree with you 100%. Nothing is more special than spending quality time with and sharing your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and desires with the one you love. Sex, while important as it symbolizes physical intimacy, should never be the primary factor in a relationship.

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      Well thank you so much for understanding the core of my post.

      It's hard for people to fathom a relationship they are not in.

      I am trying my best to work on the relationship and so far she has realized that her efforts have not been sufficent.

      It is hard to work with someone with low self esteem and immature due to her age.

      She is very young, but I think our relationship is something worth investing into.

      She just needs to learn that not every man wants "just sex" and she is too used to men just wanting sex.

      She feels like that is her way of showing that she loves someone because thats all men have wanted.

      She felt like I didn't love her because I refused to have sex be our love foundation.

      I know that this can work as long as she finally grasps my need for real love.

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  • green_boogers
    9 years ago

    She needs a jerk. Someone who is cocky and funny. Someday, she will find a jerk and fuck him. You will then be a used piece of trash. You will feel terrible, but your life will slowly get better.

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      Well, it is not that hard to find jerks in southern California, and she has yet to have infidelity.

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      • green_boogers
        9 years ago

        Hmmmmm. OK, next time you fuck, try this. Be a little bit rough - make her feel your cock. I'll bet she wants to be more physical than she says she does.

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        • SilencedNephilim
          9 years ago

          What?

          Obviously you did not read the topic correctly.

          "I have had sex numerous times and have pleased her on immense levels.

          My girlfriend however gets upset that I want her to cuddle me and love me affectionately.

          I am prominent in my sexual area, yet I feel like I am doing all the effort and loving. "

          Being sexual and rough does not change the fact that I do not want constant sexual pleasure.

          I want other outlets *other than a vagina* for love.

          Clearly you are too sexually active, not everyone wants to have sex constantly.

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          • green_boogers
            9 years ago

            Dude, your grandiose opinion doesn't matter. She thinks you are clingy and sappy. LISTEN to her.

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            • SilencedNephilim
              9 years ago

              Furthermore, not every girl who is sexually active want what you think they want.

              Nice try assuming that every girl fits your mold though.

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            • SilencedNephilim
              9 years ago

              No she doesn't, stop assuming.

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  • ajayllg
    9 years ago

    sorry , the only cuddle should be her hand on your limp schlong after pleasing the crap out of her, i sense the bending over submissively role will reverse in your situation...but hey good for you

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    • SilencedNephilim
      9 years ago

      To each their own,

      I just don't have the constant urge to have sex.

      I guess my interpretation of love is ecstasy when a woman you love holds you tight and kisses you with all her love.

      Like I said, To each their own.

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  • SilencedNephilim
    9 years ago

    well let me rephrase that
    When I said I want someone clingy, I want someone who is afraid of losing me, someone who is not a superficial shallow person.

    Not looking for drama/psychopaths

    lmao

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    • Saycheese
      9 years ago

      It's not good to be afraid of losing someone. If that was the case then that person would have trust issues. It's about "wanting" the love from the other person. Fear only makes feelings worse than they need to be.

      Example:

      If you lose someone you love of course it would hurt. Though if you are afraid then you would most likely take up too much of their space and wouldn't respect yourself enough. The pain will eventually pass of losing that person but you gotta feel how that person feels for you too if they truly loved you. They would want you to accept the pain and move on but realize they are still in your heart and have a place in your memories. :)

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      • SilencedNephilim
        9 years ago

        I see where you went with the fear/trust combination.

        I just feel that if I expressed my feelings she gets defensive and feels as if I am attacking her.

        example

        Girl: You're an asshole

        Guy: Why are you calling me an asshole? What's wrong with you.

        Girl: *cries* You are making me feel bad for calling you an asshole.

        Guy: But, you clearly started the argument by calling me an asshole.

        Girl: I am now upset since you are upset, because I called you an asshole.

        When I try talking about my feelings this is usually how it goes.

        It is as if she is content with how I am treating her and does not work on bettering herself.

        I don't want to leave her, but I would like for her to realize how patient I am.

        I want her to realize that most guys would not put up with how she acts and I am working with her.

        She was not this way when we met, she changed.

        I just want her to realize what she has and appreciate me.

        Not fear, fear was a terrible word.

        I wish she would know what kind of person she has and know that I do not need her to be happy.

        I have a plethora of outlets and I am trying to help our relationship.

        The least she could do is show her love to me...

        maybe she does not know how...

        I don't know at this point.

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        • Saycheese
          9 years ago

          I see what you are saying.

          With most people you do need to speak more firm and self-assured. Which say "I" statements showing more on that it's how "you" feel. Example instead of asking "What is wrong with you?" which she took it as if you are threatening her more. Saying you statements are accusations. Which you could of said "I don't know what is wrong, what did I do wrong?" Objectify the conversation to dig deeper on what maybe wrong. That is how you can stop their manipulative behaviors and you will not be the same back. You most likely need to objectify what she is saying too, to clearly understand her more too.

          I've been studying self-help, self-respect and assertiveness books and courses. I use to be a lot more passive and then would have more aggressive behaviors pop out due to resentment. Being more assertive helps you become more confident and helps you find yourself better. Which in turn helps you become more compassionate towards others. I recommend everybody to read on assertiveness.

          I hope that helped.

          Which you can also tell her that you don't appreciate being called names because you find it disrespectful and that you feel hurt. If she tries to argue ask her if she likes being called names. You may need to walk away if it gets heated.

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          • SilencedNephilim
            9 years ago

            Well, I used to make I statements with her but it never really worked.

            So I let my feelings express by asking her "How would you feel if I ____"

            she replies usually by "I know, I am a shit girlfriend."

            "You should break up with me"

            She does things to irritate me and antagonize me to get upset *doesn't work*
            And she uses guilt techniques to try and make me feel bad *like the example above."
            She is too immature to have communication.
            I am thinking that it is an age thing, she is 18 *Turning 19, July 13th*
            But the insecurity and immature personality I think could be helped with counseling.
            Maybe I am too faithful and dedicated?
            I don't know...
            I have needs too in the relationship.
            I don't want to sound selfish.
            I tried telling her if she is not ready in the relationship to break up with me, but she gives me this "You are the one I want to marry, love, and you are the last guy I want to try to be with"
            I don't want to rob her of a real relationship, I feel as if I should give her a chance to change...
            But I don't want to be taken advantage of my kindness.

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            • Saycheese
              9 years ago

              Yes, like dom180 (who seems to be a very smart guy from past comments) says: leave her. :)

              By leaving her you will feel refreshed since she is not changing these negative feelings. And also by leaving her you are teaching her a lesson that you know your self and that maybe she will realize hey I do need to change myself. Because all that is unacceptable that she does and you are letting her behaving that way by staying with her.

              It is helpful to the both of you; not just you!

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        • dom180
          9 years ago

          Was that example a real conversation between you and your girlfriend?

          If so, leave right now. She's a psycho and taking advantage of your good nature. I have been in a relationship that sounds a lot like yours, and I was patient with her too and hoped she would change back into the kind and caring person she was when we met but she never did. I am very glad that I broke up with her.

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          • Saycheese
            9 years ago

            Yes, I agree with this too.

            Why men don't deal with it is because they respect themselves.

            In turn it does help leaving a person to show them, themselves that what they have done does cause change. It is a lesson to those people who behave like her. Maybe in the future she will realize that she needs help. You can't "always" help someone. Someone else may need to help her.

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  • handsignals
    9 years ago

    got the perfect girl for you OP
    http://memegenerator.net/instance/22961627?urlName=Overly-Attached-Girlfriend-2&browsingOrder=Popular&browsingTimeSpan=AllTime

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  • SilencedNephilim
    9 years ago

    To be honest, I am content with gaming, anime, and music.

    Affection is just another outlet I love having.

    it's not necessary, but more than welcome.

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  • SilencedNephilim
    9 years ago

    she is a black hole for love and affection, I am constantly giving but never receiving.

    During sex I am the giver, after sex I am also the giver in terms of affection.

    I love her dearly, I am just drained.

    She told me in time she will open up more.... she had a rough past, insecure, immature...

    I love her whether or not I receive, I am just jaded from not receiving it.

    It takes little to no effort to show some love.

    I know she loves me.

    But as far as affection goes, she is an inanimate object.

    We plan on being together long term, I just want to make sure that I am not a fool for loving unconditionally without receiving and trusting my partner to open up.

    I understand the aspects of not controlling, changing a person.

    I would never result to having infidelity to meet some of my minor needs.

    I am independent and don't need anybody to make me happy.

    I see it as a bonus, and would love to receive low levels of affection rather than constantly pleasing her needs and feeling guilty for not meeting them.

    It's my first relationship, and I kind of don't know what is normal to be receiving/giving.

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    • dom180
      9 years ago

      I think you are more content with this relationship than you should be, which might be because you feel that most women don't want someone like you and you're relieved to have found one who does. I think there are a lot of girls who would like you for who you are and be able to give you more of what you want. It is not normal for a long-term partner to be uncomfortable showing affection.

      At the same time, it isn't normal for someone to be afraid of losing you. You should both be comfortable giving affection, but that affection should be motivated by love not fear. Being scared of losing someone is not love.

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