Is it normal to avoid relationships for fear of being abusive?

65% Normal
6 Comments

I tend to avoid relationships because I'm afraid I'll somehow end up abusing my partner. I tend to be capricious, mercurial, self-centered, obsessive, controlling, vindictive, and I hold grudges over small incidents for years. I walk on eggshells around people because I don't want them to notice my faults (I tend to have idealized persona's that I try to live up to) and when they do notice them, I can get very angry at that person. I've been in and out of therapy for years and am currently taking meds, but I've never been in a relationship before and I try to avoid them because I think I'll be too selfish for them to work.

Voting Results
65% Normal
Based on 23 votes (15 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • Ellenna
    8 years ago

    Are you saying that all the therapy you've had hasn't given you the means of changing these qualities in yourself? Not very useful therapy then.

    From your description of yourself it's understandable you'd avoid relationships for fear of abusing another and I commend you for that, but you also seem self aware and insightful, so why are you accepting it's inevitable you'll always have these negative qualities?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      Part of the reason why my therapy hasn't been totally effective is because I tend to treat my doctors abusively and have a hard time not taking any of their advice personally (I've had more than one). I'm not quite as bad as I used to be, but I'm far from where I would like to be. I might give relationships a shot in the future, but not for now.

      Accepting that one has problems is only part of what it takes to fix them, however. These traits are so ingrained into me as to be almost like second nature - I don't think they'll ever really away (and what fun is a relationship if I have to spend the entire time watching myself and worrying over whether or not my behavior has been good?). I think that I'm afraid of finding out precisely how nasty I am. I might also find out that I enjoy being nasty, on some level. I don't want to know what's in the box, and I don't want to let anything out that I can't put back in.

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      • Ellenna
        8 years ago

        It seems to me you want two mutually exclusive things: to hold on to your potentially abusive personality traits AND to not be abusive in a relationship. You choose, but if it's the former I feel sorry for anyone who gets involved with you.

        Have you never heard of neuroplasticity? How we think affects how we feel and that affects how we behave but none of it is fixed unless you want it to be

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        • Short4Words
          8 years ago

          Ellena, I think you hit the nail on the head.

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  • Short4Words
    8 years ago

    I can relate.

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  • noid
    8 years ago

    If you have a personality disorder therapy won't fix that. Anyway good for you for taking the high road and avoiding a relationship. You are probably saving the other owes on and you a lot if unhappiness.

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