Is it normal that..woman i've been dating for years won't add me on sm?

24% Normal
24 Comments

I've been seeing a beautiful, yet, tons of health problems, needy woman for 6 years, off and on. We've been back on again for about the last 2 years. I pay her cell and other bills every month, personal care items (some of which are not cheap), pizza delivery when she wants it, and listen to her rants about living with her mom. She and I are very close, yet...She won't add me on any social media, blocked me the first time and says she doesn't know how to unblock (a lie), says she doesn't use Instagram, yet, now has 9 posts, over 120 followers, and following 180.

I was checking her instagram here and there, not much, but now..Can't. It's private. It's of note to mention that, the last time we were together and broke up, social media was the reason; Told me one night she was too sick to go out, then posted on FB about a "dinner date" with a friend. This was several years ago now. I stayed away from her until 2 years ago, now back together and doing damn near everything for her.

We go out on occasion, not much due to her health (I'm very in the know about her many conditions, and yes, they're genuine and real), but, most times, it's like she goes on social overload when we're out. Will talk to other guys (but, to be fair. I did tell her one night, sternly..let him pay the bill and drive you home..that seemed to work), drink too much with her medications and get messed up, and, though I put a stop to it, accepted a shoulder rub from a guy I know at my usual sports bar (which I will no longer take her to). She could have said no, but, didn't. I had to tell him to stop, and he did.

Just seems like she puts herself out there for other guys, yet, thinks it's all in fun and we're always good. I get tired of dealing with the trust issues, and was asked one night by a guy friend if I trust her. I gave it a second or two of thought before answering, and he said "You waited too long to answer. You don't trust her".

is it normal for someone you're with, dating, do everything for, and are committed to, to not allow you to see their social media? If she wasn't hiding anything, wouldn't I be able to see? I only want the truth. If she's chatting (or more) with other guys, then..The bank of me is closed and I'm ending it with her. Tired of the stress of is she or isn't she, regardless of her many health problems.

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24% Normal
Based on 21 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 24 )
  • leggs91200
    5 years ago

    Well, it is time for a hard fact to face -

    You are mostly her bitch-boy. You pay her cell phone, pizza delivery, health care, AND listen to her whiney-ass complain about her problems? Tell her to get her shit together if she doesn't like living with mommy.

    Are you at LEAST getting some mind-blowing sex out of this?
    If so, then there might be hope.

    One song that applies here is Offspring's "Self Esteem". Yeah it might be dated a bit, especially for early 20 somethings but the lyrics might relate.

    But dear Gyod, this chick is mostly using you unless the sex is just THAT great. Then it might be a fairly even trade.

    Just think, what would RoseIsabella say?

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      She has her own health insurance, so, that's not on me. My self-esteem is well intact, if not sometimes more than it should be, and, when she's able, the sex is pretty damn good. No complaints there.

      I do feel used at times, and have recently told her it's stopping. We were out one night and she was going off about her mom (long story..she moved back to take care of mom, yet, due to her health issues, the opposite is usually true), and I said..Just move in with me. Said she couldn't do that. I still think it was b/c, deep down, after being burned by her ex, who she lived with and cheated on her with her best friend, she's against living with any guy. And maybe knowing this is a serious relationship, where she can't hide her online stuff.

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  • AceWhitehouse
    5 years ago

    i dont know.. you've actually made me feel like maybe its not normal. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and he never let me follow him on social media and blocked me on most of them. he has a 2 year old daughter and he lives with his baby momma currently but there isnt any relation between them besides the fact that he has the money to take care of her and his daughter, and they were both living in russia before-hand so he wanted to have them at home with him so he would be able to know they are safe. but now that you say that.. i dont know why he doesnt let me follow him.. i dont know why he blocks me.. i never question his living situations, but should i? i dont know anymore /:

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    • dontknowdontcare
      5 years ago

      If you're the one with the bf who pays stuff for his ex he has kid with please leave him

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      • Mehereok1
        5 years ago

        Nope, that's not me. I'm a guy, and there's no kids involved.

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        • dontknowdontcare
          5 years ago

          I mean ace :)

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      I didn't mean to bring up something that may not be there for you, however, it's worth looking into or at least a lighthearted question "Hey, why am I not on your social media stuff?". I brought it up with her one night, about FB, and she said didn't know how to unblock. I also requested her on my business page..Which is strictly health and related stuff, nothing personal, and she declined, changing her privacy settings to message only. Texted me after the business page request, asking why I asked her. Even a business page won't be accepted by her.

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  • 309uf2o38yf
    5 years ago

    My hubby added me on social media when we were just acquaintances. Now we have access to each other's accounts.

    I find it very strange that your SO won't even add you now that your so serious.

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      I've offered several times for her to see my social media stuff, as-is, at my house (I work from home and am online all the time), and she's said no, not necessary. Why? Is it maybe b/c once she sees I have nothing to hid, she'll be compelled to let me see her stuff, that she wants to hide?

      It's not a huge problem with us, but, is a peeve of mine. I know guys hit on her and ask her out online, and have been burned by it once already the last time we were together, and..If it's happening again, even just online and not in actuality..Think I'm done. If you're with me and we're together, there's no need to put yourself out there for other guys, even online and in fun. Just no need.

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      • 309uf2o38yf
        5 years ago

        She also might just be worried you'll overreact if guys are annoying her online

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        • Mehereok1
          5 years ago

          It's more like overreact if guys are hitting on or flirting with her, and she's not declining, which, again, to her..Is "just having fun". Doesn't realize that it's fun to her, but, these guys are after her. Or, if she is up to something online, doesn't want me to see, which is what caused us problems last time, a few years ago.

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  • dontknowdontcare
    5 years ago

    I have mental health problems too and there isn't always a logic reason behind the behavior. I saw things differently and even though we talked about it i still did what i did. I don't kbow her or what issues she has, she might really love you even tho she acts like that. BUT you aren't there to keep up with it and have a mental breakdown yourself

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      Her issues are physical health, and a lot of it. Mentally, is ok, smart, but can have, what I see as, an immaturity streak; She's been a homeowner before (as I've been for many years now), had a full time job before the health stuff, is responsible, and, would make a great wife. We could do so well together, health problems and all, yet..The health stuff, her mom, and crazy-ass neighbors hold her back. Lives in a little Peyton Place-type neighborhood, where I pull up to her house and the window drapes are slightly open, so people can see who I am even though they all know me by now.

      They have long-time feuds with each other, I have to turn my headlights off when go to her house at night, because next-door neighbor complained about my headlights in her living room one night, other neighbor is a skank and welfare cheat..I can give her a much better life with me, if she'd take it. So far, she has not.

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      • dontknowdontcare
        5 years ago

        I'm sorry, it really sounded like she had some mental problems even though she might not realise it...
        what exactually bothers you most about this situation? It sounds like she doesn't really care about getting in a better situation. You say you want to give her a better life but you also mentioned she isn't capable to have a long time relationship. Why is that?

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        • Mehereok1
          5 years ago

          She doesn't have any mental health issues, other than being driven crazy by her mom. It's all physical health, and again..Lots of it.

          That's one of the things I think or fear; That she's so deep into this situation with mom, the neighborhood drama and gossip (much as she says hates it..knows an awful lot about it, as the neighbors do her), and still feels so burned by her ex and health that she doesn't see herself as capable of a better life. Kind of stuck and that's it.

          I'm reaching a point of, for myself, "shit of get off the pot" with her. I'm invested and do love her, however, if this is it, status-wise for us, i.e.- her situation, my wanting to help it but not going anywhere, need to re-think it.

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  • Boojum
    5 years ago

    Given the situation you outline, I agree with your friend. It's up to you to decide whether your lack of trust matters. Some people might decide that the positive aspects of the relationship (and I assume you must be getting something out of it) are more important than their questions about who the person they're involved with truly is, and what she gets up to when they're not around.

    Have to say that your last line comes across as you saying that you've only put up with her shenanigans for as long as you have because you feel sorry for her. I don't think that's a positive foundation for a relationship.

    Her perspective may be different, but the general impression I get from what you say is that she's using you. So far, you've been content to be used, but now you're getting fed up with it. You obviously have the right to invest your time, emotional energy, and money however you see fit, You also have the right to change your mind. Continuing to invest in her when you believe she's lying, concealing facts that you'd be unhappy to know, and taking advantage of you will do nothing positive for your self-respect in the long-run.

    If you want to continue seeing her, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to lay down some conditions. If she's not willing to go along with what you need in order to feel comfortable with the relationship, then it's time for you to move on.

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      I wouldn't say feel sorry for her. At times, like the many we've been at the hospital (which average 8-9 hours, whether she's admitted or not), I probably do, but in general, I know her situation and work with it. I do care about her a ton, and am invested in her after this many years, but yes, do feel used, especially when I go get her things and drop them off without seeing her.

      I get something out of the relationship. When we're together and it's good, we do great and people have commented what a great couple we are. I get asked about her often, b/c people know we're together. It's nice to have a partner, a companion. Granted, I can get the same with someone else, and have when I wasn't with her, but I do like her. We have a chemistry, and have from our first date.

      As for setting ground rules..Tried it before, and, while good for a short time, typically fails.

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      • Boojum
        5 years ago

        So she doesn't respect you enough to listen to what you need out of the relationship and alter her behaviour accordingly.

        And you've said what you need in the past, but when she disregards that, you've let it slide.

        It's always difficult to know what's going on in a relationship from the outside, and even more so when the information is as limited as what you can get on a forum like this. However, it does sound to me like there's an unhealthy power dynamic going on in yours. Frankly, it also sounds like you might have problems with low self-esteem, inertia, or both.

        A thought experiment for you to carry out: imagine you remain with this woman because you've invested so much in her in various ways and things continue as they are now until you're 65 years old. Do you think you'll look back on your life as having been positive and healthy in terms of relationships?

        No relationship is perfect since no two people are perfect. Relationships always involve compromises, and it's rare for both people to feel that the giving and taking is perfectly balanced in every aspect of the relationship, but it sounds like there's a lot of giving on your part, and not much on hers. If you're fundamentally a masochist, that might suit you, but most people with a healthy amount of self-respect would get fed up with that and move on.

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        • Mehereok1
          5 years ago

          No one has a perfect relationship, and anyone who says they do is lying like a cheap rug. As for the power thing? To be honest, I have it, given her health issues and inability to really do much out and about with me, leaving me on my own to hang with friends, meet people (including other women), etc. She knows that. We went to a casino one night, b/c she wanted to get out for awhile, and saw two hot blondes at the casino bar. She made a comment about them, until I said "I know the one on the left. That's my friend, Heather".

          I did get a wave from Heather, but, didn't go over to see her, even though I should have. Why? Respect for the woman I was there with. She knew it, too, and, while saying I could have, was happy that I didn't. Why show her up by leaving her to go hug and talk to a gorgeous, fit blonde, which Heather absolutely is.

          My self-esteem is fine, even sometimes maybe a bit much. Not saying I'm joe wonderful, but do know, if tried, can get another woman. When we weren't together, I did fine in that respect.

          We can, and, most times, are, very good together. When it's just us..Maybe, say, a nigthcap after an evening out, or, just at my house, it's great. Us time. Few weeks ago, when I mentioned the guy I knew rubbing her shoulders until I told him "Can we?" as in, stop, and he did, we went for a nice, quiet nightcap drink afterwards, and it was the best part of the night. Us time, just she and I, talking, hands on each other..Just nice.

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  • Tealights
    5 years ago

    Beauty isn't everything, and you're learning that the hardest way possible; and you can't save everyone.

    In the end, she has to learn to save herself. You can still be her friend if you don't want to cut her off completely, but a caretaker-boyfriend isn't what she needs right now, and you don't deserve a partner like this.

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    • Mehereok1
      5 years ago

      I've been told I deserve better, by several friends and one family member who met her once. Another of my female friends, who's married, has told me she'd "slap her right in the face" for these ongoings. As for beauty, I admit, such is at least a factor. She is beautiful, no question, and her online profile pic, the same one she always uses, isn't updated and shows her in an even better, more beautiful manner.

      Good friend of mine, whom I've known about 16 years, also bartends at the sports bar that I frequent and, on occasion (but try not to) taken my gf to, is blunt and to the point with me, given how long we've known each other. Told me one night "She uses you too much. I'll serve her, but don't expect me to be all happy happy and chatty with her. I don't like her".

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      • Tealights
        5 years ago

        A beautiful woman doesn't always mean she's a good woman.

        Judging a woman's character seems to be one of the most difficult challenges for most men, because your eyes deceive you so much. It's sad, because extremely beautiful women know what they look like and know how much power they have since most men just want a pretty girl to look at rather than a level headed woman to build a life with.

        I dont know what I can say to you that would wake you up, and you're probably already thinking of a full list of reasons why she's not so bad; but at the end of the day you're still heart broken and mistreated.

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      • Boojum
        5 years ago

        So is the bartender the same friend you mention in your OP, or is he someone else?

        If they're two different guys, then I suggest you wake up and listen to the opinions of people who know you well and know at least a little about her.

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        • Mehereok1
          5 years ago

          The bartender friend is female, and I've known her many years. At the sports bar, she's the only one who knew my ex-wife (or, that I had one, for that matter). I do respect her opinion, b/c she's seen me with different women and is a good judge of character.

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