Is it normal that my wifes past troubles me?

56 Comments

I know its all in the past, and I have no reason to think that she has cheated in the 8 years weve been married, but the things she has told me about from her past really make me wonder about her. A few of the things she told me about are;

She ran away from home at 15 to get away from molestation by her adopted brother and met a man who forced her into prostitution

Got pregnant by a John and put her daughter up for adoption

Married a complete loser who wouldn't work and beat her and her next two children

Got her children taken away because she let her loser husband back into the home after he got out of prison for giving their daughter shaken baby syndrome. Yeah, he was that bad.

Slept with her husbands brother while he was in prison.

Had numerous one night stands

Slept with her boss once.

Dont get me wrong, I havent seen any such behaviour in her since weve been married, other than some flirting. It just that the past tends to repeat itself and Im a bit worried that her old ways may show back up some day.

The past is the past. Let it go. 21
The past will likely repeat itself, so watch out. 12
Other, comment 3
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 56 )
  • Boojum
    5 years ago

    Most people have done things in the past that they aren't too proud of. Many people learn from the negative consequences of their actions and decide to make different choices in the future.

    It sounds like your wife had a really shitty childhood, and she grew up with all sorts of strikes against her. Like all of us, she did the best she could with what she had.

    Eventually, she ended up with you - a guy she trusts enough to tell about all the crap in her past. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're the sort of guy who believes that people can never learn and change the direction of their life, and once a sinner, always a sinner.

    You say you've been together for eight years and you have no reason to believe she's doing anything like what she did in the past. Accept that, and trust her until you have good reason to question your trust.

    Suspicion and lack of trust is a great way to kill a marriage. If you continue to fret about this, it's possible it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy because she'll decide that if a man who knows her as well as you do believes she's fundamentally a worthless ho, then she must be just that, and she might has well go back to doing what she used to.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    5
    5
  • lordofopinions
    5 years ago

    She told you all this when she didn't have to. She could have kept her mouth shut and you would have never known. I say she's a keeper.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Actually, that's not entirely correct. I pressed her to tell me after her friend blurted something out that I obviously want supposed to know about. It was so unlike her that I had to find out more. That's what started all this. Im sure that there is more than I know, but at this point, Ive had enough and no longer care to hear any of it.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • VieVieDD
    5 years ago

    Everyone deals with abuse differently. From what it sounds like your wife used sex as a coping mechanism trying to wipe away the bed memories and replace them with good. If she wasn't happy and the feelings and thoughts of the past started creeping in sex would have been a way to wipe it out.

    It is a route some abuse survivours use. When sex has such a traumatic role in your life it's hard to find people to trust and know whole heartedly you are going to be safe with this person. Perhaps her need to wipe away the bad is why she sees her behaviour as a triumph, a "I've been through hell but this is what got me through and made me strong, I will not let me past abuse break my spirit and keep me from being a strong independent sensual, sexual being" kind of thing.

    If she is now in a happy, loving, SUPPORTIVE environment where she has someone to share her burdens and love her for who she is now and all she has been she shouldn't feel that urge. You have to trust her, because I doubt trust has been a huge thing in her life up until this point and she needs to see you are all in and will love her no matter what has happened. She came through and you love her for it.

    Your wife is a survivour not a victim. Whatever route she took to get here it doesn't mean she'll ever need to take it again.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
  • cipro
    5 years ago

    Your suspicion is understandable. keep an eye on her to be on the safe side.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
  • apsisazis
    5 years ago

    Sounds like she had a horrible life till she met you. Could be that she has done that all because the environment she lived in was horrible. It could be that:
    1)You saved her from horrible life and she is finally happily married with you
    Or
    2) She is that type of person or is just used to life like that so she might be cheating on you.

    In the end you have to judge for yourself. I would have faith in my wife for as long as it doesn't prove otherwise. And you have to be open and talk it with her if it bothers you a lot. Living in doubts and not trusting your wife is not healthy

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
  • RoseIsabella
    5 years ago

    You married a woman who has come from a history of extreme trauma, and all you can do is judge her for her supposed past promiscuity.

    If she hasn't cheated on you don't judge her for her past. I'm no fan of cheating, but if she cheated on an ex-husband who is basically a piece of shit criminal don't judge her for that.

    Don't be just another piece of shit man in her life. Be a decent person, and treat her with love, kindness and respect.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Its not supposed promiscuity, its promiscuity. She admits to it, almost sounding like she's proud of it sometimes. That, in itself scares me, as it would anyone. I didn't mention in the post above, because Im not writing a book here, but she admitted to cheating on past lovers. In my experience, cheatears dont often stop, they just learn to hide it better. I will admit, though, that some flirting in front of me doesn't mean she's cheating, although it is pretty disrespectful.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
        -
      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        Well, it's shitty to flirt with random people in front of your partner, it's shitty to flirt when you're married period though. I quit flirting with people about eight years ago, and I don't miss it a bit.

        I do think it's skanky of her to brag about cheating and flirt with randoms, but you never thought of any of this before ya'll tied the knot?

        I hate it when people flirt with me.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • Anonymous Post Author
          5 years ago

          I Dont see the flirting as that big of a deal, as many people use the attention they get from it as affirmation. I just wish she didn't do it in front of me; as I said it is disrespectful of our marriage. And disrespectful to me. I wouldn't call it shitty, though. Its just a practice one should distance themselves from upon entering a relationship.

          The bragging about the cheating, however, could be considered skanky. I wish she would stop.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            Is it normal that I find this whole she slept with her husband's brother while he was in jail bit to be sort of funny in a skanky way? It reminds me of something I might hear about on The Jerry Springer Show.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
              -
            • Anonymous Post Author
              5 years ago

              Its probably funny from your perspective, but being married to someone who doesn't see anything wrong with screwing your bro in law is disgusting from my angle

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              0
              0
  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    Watch out for all the whores here telling you that you are a bad person and all that shit. Your worries are justified. Apart from this, you mentioned some flirting, which is not a clue that the past will repeat itself, but it's actually already happening in a way or another. Be very careful with this.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Im not studying these idiots, man. If the roles were reversed, the hens on here would think that doubt about the fidelity would be more than justified.

      I dont like the flirting, especially when its right in front of me as though I dont see it. And it is a hint that shes unfaithful or potentially so.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        I think it's disrespectful.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
      • [Old Memory]
        5 years ago

        I am just letting you know that the female users here are mainly lesbian whores yelling "slut pride" and "all men are pigs", some women who live alone with cats, 20 year old whores who have no idea what marriage is like and think that we should cheat because society and values are shit and frustrated fat feminist blobs who break scales for being oppresive before they die at 33 from obesity and heart attacks. Not the professional advice you might need.

        However, the truth is that you married a woman who has already a lot of problems. These problems won't disappear just from the moment you married her on paper. They will persist for years and years. You must be ready for this challenge. Signs exist and you should be careful at them. Flirting is a very bad sign and it means you need to enforce some rules in there immediately. Then you need patience and authority to make them work.

        For people who think this is not realistic, I can tell you that my woman is listening to me. If I tell her: "This pants are not long enough", then she will not wear them again in public because I said so, even if the length was not necessarily a problem. We all need women that listen to us and take care of our needs at the end of the day. We, men, need care and respect, not "emancipated" whores telling us shit on degenerate forums.

        What I think you need is to keep a close eye on your wife and make sure you got the authority you need. Being abused is never an excuse to cheat or to flirt or to do anything like that. It means that she needs some extra care that you should provide as her man. Similarly, she needs to respect you for that. These are the house rules for a peaceful journey. Don't give up on them. People do this and they regret it.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        -1
        -1
          -
        • RoseIsabella
          5 years ago

          Being emancipated doesn't mean that you are a whore.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • [Old Memory]
            5 years ago

            Please note that I used inverted commas with a reason.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
  • Anonymous Post Author
    5 years ago

    Arrogance? Really? Even her dad thanked me for getting her out of that mess. She has a somewhat normal life now, thanks to me. Everyone, including her own frienda, her father, and my entire fucking family told me I should stay as far away as possible, and you are calling me arrogant? Go to fucking hell, you bitch.

    Really, with her past, does it make me such a Dick to question her fidelity? When shes fucked around on every guy shes been with before me???? Fuck!

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • TheOishome
    5 years ago

    You're wife has been through so much, I imagine to her you're probably the most important thing in her life, trust her with 100% of your being and love her equally she deserves that much.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      That's what Im banking on, but being cheated on before, its difficult to put blind trust in a woman.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
        -
      • TheOishome
        5 years ago

        It's not blind trust she's your wife you trust her when you marry her, and if she was to cheat hypothetically, worrying about it wouldn't prevent it and it would only distract you from showing her as much affection as possible because you simply cannot love someone with your all if you don't trust them too

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        -1
        -1
          -
        • Anonymous Post Author
          5 years ago

          100% trust is blind trust, man. That's just what it is. What else is 100% trust?

          I didn't know most of this when I married her.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • TheOishome
            5 years ago

            Okay upon re-reading your post I remembered her past, the fact that she is married to you today is nothing short of a miracle that she can somehow still trust anyone she doesn't need to lose that faith in you by you telling her you don't trust her, you need to trust her man. All her life men have fucked her up your the only man who can protect her like a real man. And about the 'blind trust' thing, man all trust is 100% that's just what trust is by definition having 100% faith that's what trust means goodluck and I hope you make the right decision your wife needs you to step up here

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
        • TheOishome
          5 years ago

          And if you are showing her how much you love her she is much less inclined to cheat anyway because she'll feel loved

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
  • Anonymous Post Author
    5 years ago

    Update: she and I had a polite discussion about my worries. She agreed to take a lie detector test with a couple of stipulations:

    1) I have to take one as well

    2) she will only answer one question, "Have I had sex with any man other than my husband since we got married" Obviously, this leaves her a lot of avenues of escape.

    She said she won't answer any other questions during the test at all. I asked if she would at least answer a few others like has she ever perused another relationship or if she still desires her ex or if she has seen anyone outside of our marriage in a less than platonic way, and she said, "no, just the one question is all ill answer and that's it".

    I guess my suspicions were partly correct. Maybe ill never if she wants or wanted someone else, but at least it sounds like she hasn't actually cheated on me, at least in the strictest sense. Im really wishing right now that I had never asked her about her past. Ignorance is bliss and I was happy before I knew any of this.

    Im still going ahead with the lie detector test. Shes told me so many lies over the years that she may just be trying to settle my worries, assuming I won't go through with it. I may regret it, but at least ill know.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • RoseIsabella
      5 years ago

      If she was still attracted to her ex she would be one fucked up skank.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • Anonymous Post Author
        5 years ago

        She brings him up a lot, and defends his actions. Im sure she is still holding a flame. I Dont thinkni care about that anymore though. I think,its time to leave, lie detector test or not.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • RoseIsabella
          5 years ago

          Leave the relationship? Yeah, that's fucked up if she defends his actions.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
    • RoseIsabella
      5 years ago

      Isn't that hella expensive?

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • Anonymous Post Author
        5 years ago

        Lol No, Its $45

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • RoseIsabella
          5 years ago

          Really? Wow!

          So what question is she gonna ask you?

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • Anonymous Post Author
            5 years ago

            The same one as she is asked. Not worried. Havent cheated in any way, sexually or not.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
              -
            • RoseIsabella
              5 years ago

              👍

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              0
              0
  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    This guy has reason to be cautious imho. Ive wasted several minutes of my life reading all the comments on here and I think he isn't judging her on the abuse, which some of you are implying, but on here behavior later in life.
    While acting out sexually is a common coping mechanism for people who have been abused, cheating on spouses is not, and is not justifiable.
    The fact that he began to wonder about her passed after something her friend said tells me that she hid it from her man, but not her friend? Hmmmm. Seems suspicious, dont it? She tells her friend about her passed, but not hubby?
    He says he has no reason to believe shes an adulterer, but isn't keeping secrets from her husband and flirting with other guys a sign? Add to that what he said about her track record of infidelity with others and it seems like he may be on to something. Just a thought
    Op you dont have anything tangible right like phone calls in the night or her staying late from work or mens cologne in her car so I would just ask her and check her reaction if her response doesn't sound like the truth then check farther and if it sounds like truth let it go.
    Why am I even bothering to write this? No one ever responds to me anyway. :(

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Anonymous Post Author
    5 years ago

    No, I Dont, and I shouldn't have called you a bitch. I just Dont see how people, (mostly women) on here dont see why my distrust is justified. Believe me, there's a lot more than I have time to write about on here. I just mentioned a few things Ive discovered.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Tealights
    5 years ago

    You sound like a typical guy.

    Did you just learn about this information or you've known before you married her?

    If you just learned, then normal; cause most men don't want to know about other dick their lady had and it's just something you got to get over. If you known for years, then what is she doing now that's different than what she was doing before you married her; cause I know you didn't just see that ass and go, "I'm a marry that shit," no, you had to get to know her for a while; if you did, then you're just an idiot.

    You've been cheated on before. Yeah, I get it. But... is she your ex girlfriend? Is she like a clone of this bitch? Nah. She's your wife, someone you trusted enough to join finances together. Are you still hung up on this old bitch enough to punish your woman for old shit after 8 years of marriage cause you've learned extra info? Nah. Talk to her, or do some investigating if you feel that strongly about it, but don't be ready to call your woman a hoe over a hunch + new info, cause that makes you the dumb bitch for marrying her without knowing her 100%.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Typical guy, huh? Ok.

      I had no fucking clue of any of this other than her fucking the boss before we married, and I had no idea that she did it the night before we got together. I learned about all of it within the past year. Only a complete moron would have had anything to do with her if they had known about her past.

      You need to slow your roll, miss. Honestly, how much trust would you have in someone who hid the things I've mentioned here, plus much more, until you had been married for seven years? Does it not seem reasonable to you that a person would develop a few doubts?

      Something tells me that you must be fairly young and have limited experience with relationships. If I am correct, i believe that as you get older and more experienced, you will see that cheaters almost never stop cheating, liars never quit lying, and damaged people seldom get rid of their baggage.

      And, miss, i wasn't calling her a hoe, as you put it , on a hunch. The fact that she hid so much from me for so long is more than a hunch. Its a good reason to be suspicious. If you are so naive as to think its not, then you are the dumb bitch.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • Tealights
        5 years ago

        I'm 27, is that a problem; cause how the fuck old should I be to know better? You're as mature as the actions you take, and with a steady job, my own apartment/car, zero children (not even a pregnancy scare my friend), and a 5year+ relationship of my own with additional decade+ of relationship experience (yeah I started young), I know enough to understand that all this information you got shouldn't be new to you if you asked enough questions and thought a bit more about who you're dealing with before marrying her. Plus, EVERYONE has baggage. You want a FRESH human, then have a baby, because on average children in bad families get molested by a family member before they hit 10 (so a lot of us from the start have baggage), and there are way more bad families than there are good. But I digress, because common sense ain't common and hindsight is always 20/20.

        Anyway, you are typical. As regular as people come, because these are the type of situations a lot of people end up in (not exactly the same, but close). You can build resentment over past shit she held from you, or remain in the present and talk to your wife about it openly, because it took her 8 years of marriage to feel comfortable enough to be like," Oh yeah, btw, I use to be a prostitute." That's a problem. She should have been upfront, but you shouldn't be like, "Oh man, all this old shit she's telling me must mean she's still doing this shit now! omg!" Put your ego to the side and talk to her. I get you don't want to be told off by some young female over the internet, but hey it is what it is. Save your marriage or end it.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
  • 122656
    5 years ago

    Are you sure that she doesnt have any STD'S ?
    It sounds like she has had everything in her , but the kitchen sink.
    She has had more cocks in her than a police station.
    How old was she the first time that she had sex unwillingly from a relative ?
    Was she exposed to the male cock at a very early age and before she had sex ?
    Was she forced to give the males a blowjob , and at what age ?
    Didnt she tell her parents about it at the time ?
    Didnt her parents and teachers notice a change in her attitude and demeanor ?

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Why would you ask such questions? Its a bit disturbing. Sounds like you are enjoying this a bit too much. Get help.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      2
      2
        -
      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        I think that's a troll.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
  • nikkiclaire
    5 years ago

    "Her old ways"

    Of what? Being abused and raped? Yeah I can see the allure for her.

    Asshole. I hope she reads IIN.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • Anonymous Post Author
      5 years ago

      Im of course not talking about the abuse part. Obviously it was a horrible thing to go through and I would know, being sexually and mentally abused myself. What Im,talking about it the promiscuity and making terrible decisions like allowing her daughters abuser back into their home. Not being an asshole here, I just know from experience that people tend to repeat their mistakes.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • nikkiclaire
        5 years ago

        Yes she repeated her mistake and married you. I am not being a bitch. When we are raped, abused, sold, beaten it programs us into falling for people who continue the same treatment.

        Unless a person gets professional help they continue the abuse cycle.

        She is doing that with you. The difference being you are continuing the cycle with emotional abuse, by holding her past over her head and looking down on her and continuing to only see her as a whore.

        Shame on you.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • Anonymous Post Author
          5 years ago

          I have never abused my wife and never will, and it is very pretentious of you to say that I have. I am always trying to make her feel better about herself. That's not abuse, young lady, its the opposite.

          She wasn't abused by her brother in law, but was apparently the initiator. Troubled past or not, there are boundaries you simply don't cross and having relations with more than one person from the same family is one of them.

          She slept with her (and my) boss the night before she and I got together. I only found out after hearing enough little enuendos that I finally asked her about it. I wish I hadn't.

          You are so quick to judge, aren't you? Im the best thing to happen to her and just because Im a bit troubled by her past behaviour, you think Im an asshole. Ok. You are entitled to your opinions. I just know that if it weren't for me, her life would still be fucked up.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
            -
          • nikkiclaire
            5 years ago

            Wow. Prince charming. How I swoon.
            😝😝😝

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
        • [Old Memory]
          5 years ago

          You are a bitch. You said slut pride and shit. Stop begging for attention and tell people what a whore you are and then that you are not a whore. Reality doesn't work that way. Only your slut LGBT garbage forums do.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          -1
          -1
            -
          • nikkiclaire
            5 years ago

            I don't believe in lgbt nonsense myself. I am a person who enjoys sex with multiple sexes and partners. Lgbt would call it bisexual polyamouras. I call it being me.

            Now. You can call me a bitch, I can be, but it has zero to do with who I have sex with.

            Now. I told it like it is. How about you explain to everyone what a fucking pervert you are, while still giving other people shit about their morals and admit you're a fucking hypocrit.

            Seems fair to me.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
              -
            • [Old Memory]
              5 years ago

              I don't call you a bitch. You admitted being a bitch. Stop telling us shit. You say all the time you have open relationships and having lots of sex. That is called being a bitch. Your sister said she is proud being a slut and you approved that. There you go, you admitted it openly. Stop begging for attention and tell us now how offended you are by us calling you just the way you are. You said it yourself. I hate this internet crap. And I never had bad intentions towards you until you started pissing me off step by step.

              You think you're better than others. I said my own opinions and you constantly replied telling me or others that we are assholes instead of just replying yourself to the questions and letting the OP select their favourite answer. You and your sister kept telling me how smart you are, how many jobs you have and that I make no sense for having a different perspective on sex. You told me I am inefficient because you have more jobs than I do, but you never compared what we actually do or study. You keep messing with me for no reason and I don't understand this.

              Then, after all the bullshit you tell us about how brilliant you are and how bad I am, you tell us that life makes no sense to you. There you go. You ended up in a non-sensical life because you listen to nobody, because society is shit, because we are all less efficient and smart than you, but you never mind your own business, you keep telling me what to do (stop studying science, be more efficient, stop being a hypocrite) while you never considered that maybe I do harder things than you, maybe I make bigger profits than you, maybe my life is more than difficult than yours. But no, your first fucking direction is to talk trash about me.

              Congratulations, you did it. You wasted your life on this website picking on users instead of helping people, which is the fucking reason we are here. Given your complete ineffectiveness here, I can assume how good you are with the rest of your tasks.

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              0
              0
      • nikkiclaire
        5 years ago

        What part of her past wasn't abuse. It sounds to me like every man in her life abused her. Her family growing up, a pimp, the man she married, his brother, her boss, all abused her and her children. I can't see a point in her life where she hasn't been abused.

        She continues the cycle now with you. Someone who thinks he is better than her, and not her equal in marriage.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        -1
        -1