Is it normal that my therapist forgot that my mom is dead?

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13 Comments

This happened years ago. I told her my whole life's story basically during our first session. She was very attentive and dutifully took notes as we talked. Then the next time I came to see her, a week later, the very first thing she asked me is "So, how is your relationship with your mom going?" uhh...bitch is dead lmao. What am i supposed to say to that? Lol.

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12% Normal
Based on 26 votes (3 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    That's just awful 😔. Those are the kinds of things that any sensitive person really shouldn't forget. I mean of course therapists forget things and a relationship with a therapist is not like a relationship with a friend - they have a lot of very detailed stories to remember after all - but it's not about professionalism at this point; it's about knowing how not to upset people.

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  • olderdude-xx
    2 years ago

    It is normal that therapist do forget things and even mix up who has what issue.

    The good ones will have reviewed their notes - and the fact that your mother had died would have been clearly noted, although an assortment of minor things would not (they cannot record all).

    The issue is finding a good one who will take the time to review your case notes and get it straight in their head who they are talking too and about what.

    Unfortunately, the current managed care system rarely provides time for "in house" therapist to do a proper review of case notes prior to seeing a client.

    My wife and I saw a private practice counselor that was not a member of any insurance plan and had a fixed payment schedule for services. The therapist would bill the insurance company for you, and accept their payment as partial payment in most cases. Then we would have to pay the rest. I typically gave the Therapist a check for my part when I showed up for our appointments.

    Also there was no time pressure. A 1 hour appointment gave us 1 hour of talking time (the 1st appointment was a joint meeting with my wife and I and the therapist and we had a full 1 hour of discussion). After that we had 45 minute individual meetings (back to back) with a few joint 45 minute meetings tossed in over the 6 month period of counseling. She scheduled 1 45 minute meeting every hour to give her time to review notes prior to her next meeting. She scheduled initial meetings to last 1.5 hours to give her time to set up our account, to create notes after the 1 hour talk session, and review notes for the next appointment.

    This cost me many thousands of dollars over 6 months, and I used up all my years PTO on marriage counseling issues over that 6 month period. Best investment I have ever made. Far cheaper than a divorce. We both learned a lot about ourselves (things that we did not know) and learned how to accept who the other person was. It did take us another 9 months to fully work out on our own how things would work between us for some of the items. We could do that because we knew we had to figure some things out on rules for the future. It did work.

    If you can find the money - or a charity organization that will assist with expenses. A private non-affiliated counselor often produces the best results. They get paid well enough and can control their work load - and only the best ones can do that.

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    • idolomantis
      2 years ago

      This was extremely helpful, thank you very much. I do have ONE therapist that truly understood me, she just happens to be in a another county lol...To be completely honest, I think I might actually be ok without a therapist at this point? Seems a little strange to me almost, but I think that it's true. Thank you!

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      • olderdude-xx
        2 years ago

        My wife still hires her physical fitness coach who is in Ukraine (and we are in the USA)... The Skype for each session.

        Perhaps you can do something similar.

        I wish you well,

        Feel free to contact me if you wish... Books can do amazing things for people and I have over 100 that I routinely recommend once I know enough.

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  • DADNSCAL
    2 years ago

    Get yourself a new therapist. Unfortunately some of them who work for HMO’s have so many clients that they can’t keep track and devote to attention to each one that they deserve.

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    • idolomantis
      2 years ago

      Very true. I've had a psychiatrist as well, and the result was even worse with him.

      There would literally be 5 fucking people waiting for the same 4pm slot with me, waiting to talk to him.

      When I would finally get a chance to talk to this guy I naturally had lots of questions. I wanted to know exactly how my medication worked, and why. I wanted to know if perhaps maybe there was a better kind of med out there for me...lots of other stuff too.

      This earned either one of two things; either an exasperated chuckle, or an indifferent sigh.

      Evidently my curiosity and my desire to proactively heal myself were worth nothing to this man.

      Ha ha ha, my personal issues are nothing more than fodder for a jaded therapist unfortunately.

      And of course, I AM in fact different from other "girls". Nonetheless my therapist still tried to pigeon-hole me.

      "Oh ho ho, you are different from other "girls"/ other human beings? Here, have some more makeup."

      Makes me fucking sick!

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      • DADNSCAL
        2 years ago

        I hear you. The state of mental health care in this country is horrible. A relative of mine had a drug crisis and was put in a ward with psychotics. Fortunately his wife and I got him out of there and helped him work through it.

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      • Grunewald
        2 years ago

        Are you paying for this psychiatrist or is the service state-financed or insurance-financed?

        If he doesn't want to spend the session educating you (which might not contribute to his therapeutic aims, which is why you're there) he could at least give you links to reputable sources where you can look things up in your own time.

        I can perhaps understand him being a little offended at you asking if there's a 'better' kind of med for you: he surely wouldn't have suggested the one he suggested unless he had thought it was the best one for you, and it has taken all of his years of med school and professional practice to put him in a position to make that decision. He might be thinking, 'Do all my years and thousands of dollars of med school mean nothing??'.

        I totally defend your right to doubt him. I wonder so often whether my psychiatrists and psychologists are actually quacks or not listening or just trying to exploit me for money (and I've had a few of each), that I wonder if it shows in my demeanour and the therapist starts to doubt their own competence, thus causing them to do a worse job... This suspicion crops up so much in me that I've sort of realised that it's probably just a symptom of my issues...

        I reckon you probably are like other girls in a lot of ways. I mean, if we really share 99% (or whatever it is) of our DNA with a banana, it's a wonder that people are distinct from each other at all. But there you have it. The universe is a wondrous place. Differences between certain living things in it may be extremely small on a biochemical level, but they are immensely meaningful even though they aren't that different (and let's face it, psychiatry is about biochemistry - as far as I know, the stories you tell are essentially to help them identify symptoms). It makes sense to me therefore that psychiatric solutions can be one-size-fits-some, even when dealing with unique individuals. It doesn't diminish the value of the individual because (I believe) we are more than our constituent chemicals, and (again, I believe) the psychiatrist isn't the ultimate judge or guardian of our personhood anyway.

        I know that whatever you are like, there is truly only one 'you' and that 'you' is inimitable, and you are valuable and important and significant in the universe just for being yourself. You don't need to agree with this, or with anything that I say, but I personally believe that God stood over the making of you and ordained that the potential in you, and the innate parts of your personality, which is unique to you, should be exactly what they are. People who know you, know who you really are, and see what is precious and unique about you - the things that make you you, and not any other girl.

        But as for these therapists, maybe they don't know you well enough to see it, or they don't care enough when they do see it. However unique a person is, they're still a person, and it's tiring dealing with people. It's hard to swallow but your therapists don't necessarily have to care about the things that make you a unique person among unique persons. They just have to treat you (which is hard to do if they don't care, but hey-ho, everyone's personal feelings and emotions are their own and it'd be unethical for the profession to dictate them in exchange for money).

        Finding people in this world who care about you for the things that make you the same as AND different from others they've known, and whom you care about - that's the hard thing. It's a dance I'm still trying to get the hang of...

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  • hauntedbysandwiches
    2 years ago

    Unfortunately it happens

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  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    By the way, I have edited my long post since posting it. I'm writing this so that you can downvote it if you had upvoted the shorter version and no longer like it...

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    • idolomantis
      2 years ago

      ...I don’t have a thumbs down button anymore🤣

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      • Grunewald
        2 years ago

        I'm really sorry. Maybe someone else can thumb it down for you.

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        • idolomantis
          2 years ago

          Thanks

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