Is it normal that my girlfriend seems to reject everything i do for her?

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6 Comments

I'm just wondering if what my girlfriend is doing in common relationship behavior.

22M here. So, for nearly 8 months, I have been dating my current girlfriend (been bf/gf for 6). It's my first relationship, we love each other, see each other a lot, have a good sex life, etc.

But one thing that bugs me is that everything I do to offer to help her is rejected or turned down. I really like making her feel better, but she doesn't appreciate it. For example:

* When she told me she was on her period, I offered to buy her some chocolate and/or pick up a heating pad, and give her a lower back massage. She said, "no thanks, I'm strong and can manage on my own".
* Her feet were hurting after work one night a couple months ago. I offered to rub them for her, and she said she's fine and was just going to take a few painkillers.
* She had a really bad day at work one day, and when she came home I offered to her that we snuggle up on the couch and watch her favorite T.V. show to cheer her up. She said she'd rather just go to bed.

There's a LOT more like this- what I listed are merely a few examples.

Again, the relationship is otherwise happy. We go out and do a lot together, have a good sex life, and we love each other. I also might add that I frequently ask for this kind of affection and she usually gives it to me (massages, lends me an ear when I need it, etc.). But she never wants it in return and it just makes me feel kind of cold.

Is it common for some women (or men for that matter) to be like this? It makes me feel kind of cold and unappreciated?

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44% Normal
Based on 9 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • [Old Memory]
    4 years ago

    Your actions are an example of ToXiC MaScULiNiTy and this brave young woman who you are harassing knows better than to submit herself to gender-role fascism. You are literally worse than Hitler. Chivalry is nothing but patriarchal oppression.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      I hope you're being sarcastic...

      If not, though, then I should clarify that I often ask her for affection/favors and she gives them to me (like massages, comforting words, lending me an ear, making me breakfast, buying things for me, etc.). So while I do admit that I love taking care of her in this way, I wouldn't necessarily consider it demeaning or white knighting.

      EDIT: I've seen some of your other comments on this site, it seems that you are being sarcastic here. That's such a relief hahaha

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    • Doesnormalmatter
      4 years ago

      Your so funny lol

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  • Boojum
    4 years ago

    I can see how that would be challenging, but then all relationships are challenging in their own peculiar ways because we're all weird in our own peculiar ways.

    What you describe sounds a little like my marriage, but the positions are flipped. For example, if I'm ill, my wife wants to look after me, but I just want to crawl off to bed and be left alone; if she's feeling unwell, she gets a little upset if I'm not constantly sympathising and trying to do stuff for her. I'm perfectly happy for my birthday to literally pass without her even mentioning it; she got extremely upset the one time I didn't notice it was her birthday before noon, and she gets all teary if our daughter and I make an effort with cake and a special meal on hers.

    I'm sure relationship counsellors must have some fancy jargon to describe this sort of mismatch, since it can't be that uncommon. The old adage about doing unto others as we'd like to have done unto ourselves sometimes just doesn't work.

    It seems to me that you just have to accept that you two aren't the same. Neither of you is wrong; you simply have different needs and different ways of expressing affection and concern. I suspect you'd feel bad about yourself if you didn't offer to help her out in any way you can think of, so you shouldn't stop doing it. But you need to accept that her declining an offer isn't a criticism or rejection of you as a person, it's just that she has her own ideas of what she needs and what you're offering isn't it. She has the right to make that choice, and you should respect those decisions.

    Having said all that, those comments are based on the assumption that what you say about your relationship being generally healthy and positive is true. When a relationship is heading for the rocks, it's not unusual for this sort of refusal of all offers of help to happen because the person being offered assistance is determined to see nothing whatsoever good about the other person.

    Also, it has to be said that it's unfortunately not that unusual for men to try to put women in a position of dependency. Some guys believe that their proper role in a relationship is to be the big, strong, wise protector for their helpless little woman. That's disrespectful and belittling, but it's wrapped up in a disguise of caring concern. Again, your girlfriend has the right to decide what's best for her, and you should respect that.

    Finally, you've only been together for a few months, so it's not surprising that you haven't so completely tuned in to her that you instinctively know what she most needs in any and every situation. I think if you continue to be attentive, you'll eventually figure this stuff out. And it's just possible that, with time, she'll understand that you feel the need to do things for her, and she'll become more accepting of your offers, even if she combines that with what she truly needs.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      "Some guys believe that their proper role in a relationship is to be the big, strong, wise protector for their helpless little woman. That's disrespectful and belittling, but it's wrapped up in a disguise of caring concern."

      Not gonna lie, I love caring for her like this, but I wouldn't consider it a bad thing because she often does similar things for me and I enjoy it.

      I was more so asking if this dynamic I mentioned in my original post is normal relationship behavior, and it seems as though you think it is but that it's kindof toxic.

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say it's always toxic, but I think it can be.

        There's a difference between asking what a partner would like for dinner and cooking it, expecting that she eat and enjoy whatever you've decided she should have for dinner, and pinning her down and cramming food down her throat. All end up with you having prepared a meal for her, but only the first is done in a respectful, loving way.

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