Is it normal that my friend might have asperger and i dont know what to do?

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I have a friend with a very disturbing personality. He is quite mature and functional most of the time, but when it comes to human interaction, he can sometimes be quite childish. For example, he is very selfish, he never cares about what others feel, he never wants to do anything he doesn't like and he usually doesn't even interact with people unless it is completely necessary. He seems particulary cold sometimes and is also usually quite arrogant when he speaks.

My mother, who is a psychiatrist, knows this friend quite well. She told me that he shows many symptoms of Asperger. I asked one my old teachers from school (she is a psychologist) and she told me that she always thought the same about him. And finally, my girlfriend, who is a psychologist as well, also told me that this friend acts quite similar to other people with Asperger.

I am with conflicted emotions now towards this friend. I would like to tell him to seek professional advice... but I know that he will take my words in the worst possible way. If he does attend a therapist and he is indeed diagnosed with Asperger... I am not sure I want to keep being his friend. I always stood by his side, because I thought that someday he would "bloom" and start acting more mature... but if he has Asperger, then I don't think that will ever happen.

My mother already told me that if I don't feel like I can handle someone like that, I should just walk away. But I would like a second opinion on that. And well, I was hoping that someone with Asperger or someone that knows someone with this syndrome well might give me some advice. So, what do you think?

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55% Normal
Based on 20 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 14 )
  • Maggie2000
    10 years ago

    Whether or not he has Asperger's, he has been your friend for a while. Why would you want to walk away from a friend, just because he has a label?
    It sounds as though you want him to be diagnosed, just to prove your mother, teacher and girlfriend correct.
    You have already said that he is a friend-if he is diagnosed with Aspergers, it would be very cruel of you to turn your back on him. Are you only allowed to have perfect friends?
    Embrace him and keep him in your circle of friends, despite his possible differences.
    We are all human beings after all!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      The thing is that I met him when we were both kids... and I just believed that he was taking more time to mature. In fact, for me our whole friendship was based on that expectation, that he would someday change. Someone with Asperger will probably never change.

      Besides, you should know that it is emotionally exhausting dealing with a person like that. I don't want my friends to be perfect, but I also don't want to act like a babysitter/slave, responding to his every whim.

      What I am doing probably sounds cruel to you... but do you want to know the awful truth? I will probably feel very sad if we end our friendship... but he won't even care.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        My comments keep getting deleted today for some reason.
        What I wrote earlier was that I don't understand why people expect people to change. You shouldnt expect them to change to meet your needs. People with aspergers have a difficult time showing and understanding emotions. You friend will probably feel rejected for being who he is and will not understand why you rejected him out of nowhere. You shouldn't have to do whatever he says. Just hang out with him less.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          I really tried to accept him for a long time. In fact, every other friend has abandoned him already in one way or another. Indeed, he never understands why people try to get their distance from him... and when I try to explain him, he gets mad at me. In fact, he gets mad at me all the time and he always says that I should stop hanging out with him (but I know he doesn't really mean it deep inside).

          The thing is that we already in our mid 20s, and there are certain things that are expected from a person at this age. I don't want radical changes, I just want our friendship to be a relationship between 2 adults and not a relationship between a master and a slave or a child and a babysitter.

          I tried not to respond to all his whims, but he always gets angry and acts like I explained above.

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          • [Old Memory]
            10 years ago

            I don't know what else to tell you. It's impossible to give someone advice who wont listen. Maybe tell him first he doesn't have to agree with you but he needs to at least respectfully listen to your point of view. Friends don't always have to agree but they do need to listen.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        I have never understood why people begin a relationship, whether friendship or romantic, expecting the other person to change. I also do not comprehend why people change. People have cut me off before for not changing including an ex girlfriend for 4 years. People with Asperger's have a difficult time showing the emotions they do have because they are difficult to understand. He will probably feel rejected for being who he is and will not understand why you appear to reject him out of nowhere when nothing has changed. You don't have to do everything he says either. Maybe you should just hangout with him less. It is also quite immature of you to expect someone to change to meet your needs.

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        • amaterasu
          10 years ago

          The world doesn't stop just because someone has asperger. I don't agree with wanting to change people either, but I believe that certain attitudes stop being acceptable at certain age. People expect others to be more responsible and less self-centered when they become adults. I guess the "essence" should remain the same, just certain attitudes should change.

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          • RomeoDeMontague
            10 years ago

            Simply being too yourself and not being expressive is not something everyone grows out of. Some people are just like this. You are too self centered to realize this and sound extremely judgmental. Please do stop being his friend. You sound like an awful person and I don't think anyone should have a friend like you. I don't understand why you believe he is going to blossom into what you expect an ideal friend to be. That is not what you sign up for when you start a relationship. When you start a relationship you like that person for who they are. Not what you think they NEED to be. That is like befriending a kid with glasses and expecting him to not have glasses one day. He might just get blinder with age so you don't have a right expecting his eyes to just repair. They might for some and they might not for others.

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      • RomeoDeMontague
        10 years ago

        I don't see why you suddenly are against him since you believe he might have aspergers. You sound like a dickish friend. If he is high functioning and everything and its not causing him issues leave him the fuck alone.

        It should not matter what he has just that he is your friend. If you are going to suddenly stop liking this because of this he deserves better friends than you.

        He might even be aware he has something too and just might now talk about it. If that was true. So no do not harass him about what others believe he might have. If you don't like your friend the way he is stop talking to him. Hopefully he will find real friends later and they are not all jerk offs like yourself.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    There have been a few aspergers questions today. This one however is the only one that sounds like actual aspergers.
    I have been diagnosed by several doctors.
    There is nothing to be done about it. It is a genetic personality and development trait. Therapy may help him understand social skills better but he probablly won't change much. I'm 28 and still have the maturity level of a kid. Therapy has done very little for me and I usually have left feeling angry towards the therapist.

    Just accept him for who he is. If you can't do that maybe you should have thought about that before you started hanging out with him in the first place.

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  • KeddersPrincess
    10 years ago

    He'll still be the same person, you'll just know that he has Asperger's.

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  • SummerWolf
    10 years ago

    My best friend has Aspergers, and ever since we were kids I have been by her side. Now, her parents realized early on what she had so over time she has slowly gotten much, much better. Do not abandon your friend, no matter what. Just talk to him about going to therapists, changing his diet (I know going gluten-free helps) and other little things.
    Wish you and your friend the best of luck!
    -SummerWolf :)

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  • ObsessedWithReedus
    10 years ago

    My best friend also has Asperger's, so i know exactly how you feel. Being around someone with Asperger's can be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.

    But he's your friend all the same. You shouldn't have started a relationship expecting your friend to change, especially now that you know having Asperger's isn't something he can change. He is who he is, and it's very selfish of you to want someone to change who they are for you.

    People with Asperger's may have a hard time communicating their feelings, but they still have them. Trust me, deep down he's knows you are his friend and he would be sad if you broke off your friendship, even if it doesn't seem like it. Your friend is a human being, and every human being, whether having a mental illness or not, deserves love and companionship.

    You said it yourself, you would be sad to break off the friendship, so it's obvious you would still like to be his friend. Don't walk away. I know what you're going through, and I know it's hard. But, it would be better for both of you if you stayed.

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  • azestypanda
    10 years ago

    No, move on. I had the same situation. It's futile to constantly expect that one day you'll get satisfaction from a friendship like that. It is cruel, but sometimes, you just gotta think about how much happier you'll actually be once the friendship turns to noship.

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