Is it normal that my fiance avoids sex with me?

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10 Comments

First some background: I'm 21 years old, and I live with my fiance(23) in an apartment. We are very happy together, we have a puppy pug named nacho. We do everything together, and we both love each other very much.

The only problem we have is in the bedroom....before we moved in together sex was never a problem, but for the past 6 months of living together we can't seem to find the time or energy to have sex(don't get me wrong we've had sex but it's literally once a month, when it used to be more like twice a week). I've talked to him about it and we both want each other, but it's just..not...happening.

First I questioned myself, is it because I'd rather have sex with a woman? I ask myself this because I'm not entirely sure if I'm straight, I've only dated men and have had sexual relations with both sexes...but the only man to finish me is my current fiance. When I'm pleasuring myself, I don't think of men, I think of women, and when I do think of men it's only my current bf or now fiance. Also, I can't watch straight porn...I can only watch lesbian porn, for some reason I get turned off if I see a man. I've thought well....maybe I'm pan-sexual? Because if I was a lesbian how could I have sex with men? But if I'm straight, why do men naked turn me off, unless I'm dating them?

Okay also my fiance just since we moved in together got a new job, and his self esteem has rapidly been dropping....even though he's employee of the month, and apparently everyone loves him at his work. I've noticed that if I touch him sensually, he'll say "don't touch my fat," or "does my fat turn you on?" or "how can you love a fat guy like me, when you're so beautiful?" So as you can see, how can I initiate sex with him, if he is constantly putting himself down? He also just confessed to me the other night, that people at work have been making comments to him like, "Can you lift those boxes, cause god knows you need the workout" or "hey big guy" or "how did you get so lucky dating that girl, when you look like that?". I told him not to worry about those comments, and told him that I think he's sexy, and that I love him so why does it matter? But I think maybe that's why we can't have sex....because he has lost his confidence? He's a tall guy 6ft 4inches, and yeah he has gained some weight since we moved in together, but I don't really mind.

I try to initiate sex as much as I can without being annoying, but it's just not the same...I can't get horny unless I know he is too, and when he doesn't touch me, or even try to do anything it makes me feel like he thinks I'm not sexy. Or when I'm trying to touch him sensually to turn him on, he says weird comments about how fat he is or he'll just say he's to tired to do it. Also I should mention when we do get around to do it, he can't keep it up long enough for me to "go", when before we moved in he could go for hours, now he can only last maybe 10 minutes. Please help!! I love him so much and I just want to be intimate with him. I want to have sex with my fiance, and not have to secretly watch lesbian porn, to relive myself!! lol

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53% Normal
Based on 15 votes (8 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • ArayaLioness
    9 years ago

    I would think this is common for someone with low self-esteem. I feel so badly for him.

    If he's truly worried, maybe the two of you can work-out together. Or....you can tell him that sex is exercise and the more you do it, the more he works out. ;D

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    • GigglesGirl
      9 years ago

      *Giggles* feels badly *Giggles*

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  • regisphilbin
    9 years ago

    Lesbian porn is never a bad thing.

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  • mystery7
    9 years ago

    Sounds like living together ain't working out for you 2. It's become boring and predictable. You need something to bring back the excitement.

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  • Avant-Garde
    9 years ago

    Pansexuality is being attracted to all gender identities, both binary and non-binary.

    If you're attracted to both, you would be bisexual.

    He probably is depressed (who could blame him?), the stress from his work situation, and his lack of self-esteem are a part of the lack of sex. The other part, is you questioning your sexuality.

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  • Lux_Maiden
    9 years ago

    Lariii, you completely understand the porn thing....I just can't watch straight porn, like you said it's just catering to the male population. Also, moonlightsin thank you for your advise as well.

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  • Lux_Maiden
    9 years ago

    Thank you everyone!! He finally let it all out and talked to me about it!! So now we both know whats going on, and we started working out together. He basically told me he didn't feel sexy, and didn't want me to see his fat when we were intimate!! lol I reassured him that I love him, and we could work on this together, also he wanted me to help him to work out and eat healthier. :D

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  • Lariii
    9 years ago

    I don't think the lesbian porn matters, I'm a straight female and I can only get off to certain women porn, I hate straight porn mainly because it's all about the guy and is catered basically for men.

    For the sex thing, it seems like he has low confidence which affects his sex drive. If you want it that much, just initiate it more, I'd say. If he talks about his fat, just give him gentle reassurance, then carry on initiating.

    My boyfriend never initiates (he was in a very long, sexless relationship so he has no confidence) but he's up for it whenever I initiate, and if I don't initiate we have less sex.

    I'd also wonder whether his job is right for him, he seems quite unhappy.

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  • MoonlightSin
    9 years ago

    Omg. These comments are awful. The best advice comment I've seen in here is about both of you guys working out together. I agree! Or! When he's feeling down and mentions something about him being big, comfort him or try to take him to bed and show him you dont care. Take make you have an orgasm, tell him how you want the sex. Tell him to finger you, go down on you, or tell him the position you want. Remember this though. Sex is just a bonus in a relationship. A relationship isn't based all around on sex. But I understand where youre coming from because you said that it's starting to rarely happen, and I'm sure youre scared of it just ending and never having it. Another thing about the whole porn. I believe you watch it because that's how you want to be touched and your fiance isn't satisfying you. You should tell him so he could put his pants on and make an effort to have intimacy with you. Because im sure he wouldn't want you going to someone else for pleasure. Tell him that you want him and that you dont care. Show him you dont care when youre in bed with him.

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  • Lux_Maiden
    9 years ago

    He doesn't know that I question my sexuality. I just told him I'm bi, and it doesn't matter anyways because I love him. lol The main problem is not my sexuality, it's us not having sexy time.

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