Is it normal that my ex didn't want me seeing nudity but she read 50 sog?
My girlfriend would cover my eyes whenever we watched nude stuff together, which I didn't really mind. I didn't really care. We never talked about porn because I think she was afraid I looked at it, which I did. One day I looked at her phone and found that she had 50 Shades of Grey on it. I was surprised, to be honest I thought she only had it on there because she was curious how 'gross' it was or something and only read a tiny bit. When I asked her why she had it on her phone she explained she had read all the books. I didn't feel upset, I just sorta shrugged. Now I kinda I wish I had asked her what kinky things she wanted to do that was in the book tbh. Later after we broke up I asked her if it "really upset" her that I watched Game of Thrones that had nudity in it, to which she quickly, adamantly, and self-righteously responded "Yes." Part of the reason she was leaving me was because she felt guilty about all the sex we were having and she said she couldn't resist me, so to me it makes sense that she was reading that stuff but what I think is perhaps weird in hindsight was the fact that she didn't want me to see other girls nude.
She went to Vegas without me for a bachelorette party and she said she saw some nude guys there and was disgusted. I admittedly did feel slightly insecure at that point because she said before that she had never seen another guys penis so I wondered if she saw other some big porn dick she'd think my penis wasn't manly anymore or something since I'm just average size (That didn't happen btw). I wonder if part of her enjoyed seeing that? When she asked to see my penis she said she liked it and right away she wanted to jerk me off.
So maybe reading is different than seeing? Like, I didn't mind her reading 50SOG but then I felt insecure when she told me about the dudes she saw in Vegas. I don't know. I feel like I would have been okay with her watching porn as long as she always chose me? But then again now I feel guilty for ever watching porn while I was with her. Not only because I felt I knew she wouldn't have liked it, but also because I feel like it's more romantic if I only ever get off to her, or thinking about her? I would have never chosen to watch porn over having sex with her but admittedly sometimes I watched porn (always soft core) because I was fantasizing about a different hair color or something.. That kind of lust just feels so wrong. I feel guilty.
Before I was in a relationship I was told women didn't want their man watching porn so I tried from ages 15-18 about to never watch porn or masturbate. I failed about every week and it made me miserable. The longest I was able to go was one month. Which was difficult, but I believe I can do it again. Should I do this now so I can make sure I'm not lusting and also hurting my future SO?
Sorry for all these unorganized thoughts and emotions! I would love some helpful feedback. And finally, is it normal that my ex didn't want me to see any nudity but she read 50 Shades of Grey? Thanks
(Note: I'm not completely oblivious. I have some idea of the kind of responses I think I'll get but obviously I'd like to check and see.)