Is it normal that im feeling like this..?

Im going straight into it so. Im a 16 and im a girl, i was always bullied from 1st to 6th grade. and i think it influenced me alot, i have a Borderline Personality Disorder. it got easier for me to be when i got around my first friend, but because of her i feel like im becoming worse, i never had friends before her. so i had so many mixed feelings. does she really even care about me? why does she not talk to me that much, why is she never interested, why is she always looking at the phone, why is she always telling me how everythings going bad for her. why does she not care if im being hurt, why doesn't it matter to her that im depressed, why does she not hang out with me much anymore, why is she barely texting me anymore, why does she look away when i try to talk to her. she would only come sit next to me at dinner time in school, when she had no one else there to go sit next to. i cared about her so much, she was that friend i though i could never get. but after being friends with her for 2 years. she still doesn't care. she hasn't texted me in weeks. i was in 8th grade when i met her. 7th grade i spent all alone. now im in an arts school as a first year student. i made a few friends from my class. three that i really started to care about, i really loved hanging out with them. and one day. i thought i would introduce my friend (the one i met in 8th grade, lets call her friend1) so i wanted to introduce Friend1 to the other three. and i did. i know she put on a mask when shes around them. i know her pretty well and she said she trusts me, she told me things that are something that i should never tell others, things that she wanted off her chest, all her secrets i kept them for her. its not an exaggeration to say that i really loved Friend1 she was so important to me we were best friends, or so i though at least. after i introduced her to my friends they got alot very well, they were interested in the same things. i was about to run out of my summer job money. and since they got along all five of us hung out, we went to eat at fast food restaurants and etc: i had great time. but after my money was gone, i wasn't gonna get more. i knew it all too well. but i didn't want to tell them, we cant go eat, i dont have money and just watching you eat would be painful. but then one day the five of us went out, i had ran out of money, and friend1 was suggesting we go eat at a place we had not eaten before at, she knew i didn't have money. it felt painful, cause even though i was starving, they invited me to watch them eat. after that they didn't invite me along anymore, they would snap me pictures of them being in town and having fun, i felt like she stole my friends. the fe times the 5 of us hung out at their apartment, she would always tell me to be quiet because what she is talking about is more important. i was hurt, and angry. i cared about them i wanted them to be happy, but why dont they care about me? how can the toss me aside like that. and because im a fucking coward i cant tell them how i feel because if i did that, the next time in class, i would not be able to look at them in the eyes and smile. im still hurt. and i don't know how to get over it. i don't know how to face them with this storm rising up inside of me. i feel like someday im just gonna explode, i feel like a time bomb. the sadness and the anger is just becoming a pressure inside me. and it hurts. every word i write. at this point they all feel like knives stabbing my heart. because i never had friends. if i had never been given the possibility to make friends. i would still be that stone faced girl in the corner of the hallway staring at a crack on the wall while living in an a world that doesn't exist. everything surrounding me was just darkness, the thoughts of people. i don't know what they think of me, so all the possibilities. i'll think of them my self. every possible bad thing about my self. i would just stare into the nothingness while thinking about all the mistakes i've done and all the things i should have done differently. i feel like if nothing, in the future, i just want to be useful. at least to someone, somewhere, i want them to give me some purpose that will fill those gaps in my heart. i just want to be at ease. but i can only have that when im asleep. im not being useful to anyone the way i am. but im just a human. there is nothing i can do that someone else cant do. so why do my feelings even matter.
why am i so hurt, why am i crying, why does it look like im the only one that cares. im just sick of it, but i want to live regardless. i want to live but its getting harder to be around people. i just want to dig a hole into the ground and crawl into it and watch anime and read manga for the rest of my miserable life. i've never done anything grand, the work vacation is meaningless i have never left my country, never been on a plane nor a train. small things like these can be someones everyday thing. but i don't even know what those small things feel like. if i could just go somewhere far far away and forget my current self, start again anew. if that was possible for me. maybe i could be truly happy again. i just dont think i can be happy the way i am. the way things are. i don't want to stay bound to this place. i just want a change...

aah.. despite all the pain.. when i see someone smile so purely it makes me happy.. even if its just for the moment.. i will smile too.. i love it when others are happy..