Is it normal that i want to fast to feel closer to my mother who passed away?

69% Normal
4 Comments

My mother passed away a few months ago. The rest of my relatives are either physically distant (living in another state) or emotionally distant (we can't have deeper conversation). I feel alone and I have a huge hole in my heart I fear will never heal.

She was dying of cancer and went into a coma. I had to make a hard decision: prolong her life by a couple weeks with IV fluids or cut off all nutrients to allow her body to die. She died almost three weeks later. Watching my mother starve and suffer in pain despite the morphine was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I thought I had handled my grief well until this past week when the emotions just hit me like a brick wall. All I do is think about her withering away, the cries of agony. I miss my mom so much. I would give everything up for one last hug.

I keep thinking about my decision to starve her. I feel like the only way I can make peace with my decision is to fast for a couple weeks. Is it normal to feel this way?

Voting Results
69% Normal
Based on 48 votes (33 yes)
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Comments ( 4 )
  • NeuroNeptunian
    12 years ago

    It's normal to feel this way, and I admire your decision to pull the plug rather than prolong her life for a hopeless fantasy of her unlikely recovery. I'm very sorry and I must offer my condolensces. You're greiving, and I hope that one day, you look back on your memories of your mother fondly and remember that no one is perfect and that she would have rather you bury her than she bury you. Nature ran it's course and you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sure she knew you loved her very much, Mothers have a way of knowing things like that.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    I want too hug yoo ): yoo seem so brave and I really admire yoo for that.

    Stay strong hunni ! <3 x

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  • joybird
    12 years ago

    I had to do exactly the same thing with my dad last year. It is hard to live with but... if you consider the pain of cancer and allowing her to suffer and die slowly, then I believe you are to be admired for putting her needs before your own. The morphine will have helped to ease her pain to allow her to slip away peacefully and if she was in a coma it's the same as being asleep so she felt no pain.

    My dad was dead 2 days after I stopped his fluids completely not just nutrients.

    Other users of IIN know this - but I went permenantly deaf following the stress of my decision. I crawled the floors vomitting with constant vertigo.

    At no time did I feel I deserved to suffer for my decision coz if my dad had been a dog, a vet would have put him to sleep and not allowed him to suffer.

    I can understand you wanting to fast as if you want to feel the pain of hunger, but trust me when I say that your mother had no hunger pains. Have you ever been really ill with jaundice or pneumonia etc? The last thing you think about is wanting to eat.

    Anyhow, your mother loved you too much to want you to suffer in any way and she knew that you loved her too much to allow her to suffer and die in agony.

    Do not punish yourself, stay strong and make you mother proud of you.

    My sincerest of sympathies pet.
    Look after yourself.

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Cancer is a terrible death, made even more terrible by watching it happen to a loved one. My condolences.

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