Is it normal that i want to be anorexic?
Hello,
For a little over a year now, I've been fixated on the idea of becoming underweight. Even though I know they say it's not healthy, I've had this persistent feeling that it's the right weight for me. I can't emphasize enough that I couldn't care less whether anyone else finds it attractive. If I lost weight again (I lost 13 lbs eating 900 calories a day, then gained it all back), it would be for my personal taste and not anyone else's. Underweight celebrities are visually similar to my ideal, but not the origin. I have a long laundry list of bone and gaps I want to see, most of which aren't conventionally attractive.
Even now, I think about how it would be so much easier to become and stay underweight with an eating disorder. Plus, the idea of hunger and eating next to nothing seems inexplicably elegant to me. But I've done my research and I know that starving myself will slow my metabolism in the long run, and half of me still wants to be healthy. But the other half would rather just take all the awful side effects that come with EDNOS, because it would be worth it to me. Since gaining back the weight (I'm relatively thin), I've been to afraid to try again, lest I slow my metabolism or trigger a binge eating disorder. Plus, it's just easier not to change. Though I still think about it about 2-10 times a day, usually.
Is it normal? For the comments, what should I do? It's not like I need to go into treatment, because I eat normally, but it still bothers me.